The People's Cube - Political Satire

Threat to Burn Money 'Recruitment Bonanza' for Tea Parties

The Leader of a small but vocal fundamentalist cult in Washington, DC, says he will go ahead with his plan to burn a pile of taxpayers' dollars this Friday.

Scheduled to take place in front of the White House, the money-burning ceremony will kick off a planned "systematic campaign of burning, shredding, drowning, catapulting, and otherwise obliterating trillions of tax dollars throughout the nation until the 2012 elections," declared Barack Obama, the shadowy figure behind this controversial plan. "My faith tells me that all money is evil; burning your tax dollars is my protest against the values of this prosperous nation that I have sworn to fundamentally bankrupt," he said.

The massive outrage caused by Obama's plan was surprisingly strong, especially considering the lack of media attention.

Democratic strategist Chris Matthews cautioned that burning tax dollars would be a "recruitment bonanza" for Tea Parties. "This could cause irreparable damage to our public relations and increase the recruitment of anti-spend politicians who'd throw the Democrats out of Congress," Matthews warned in an interview he gave to himself on his own MSNBC show.
House Minority Leader John Boehner cautioned that burning our bucks could greatly endanger the future of our young men and women who are already in debt. "We're seeing street protests at the mere mention of government spending. I am heartened by the clear, unequivocal condemnation of Obama's threat that has come from American leaders, as well as citizens from all walks of life and those in wheelchairs," Boehner said.

Leaders of Americans for Prosperity have asked Obama to reconsider "this heinous criminal act," and urged adherents of all economic models to strongly condemn the fanatical scheme. "This disrespectful, disgraceful act will cause irreversible damage to our consumer confidence, especially when we are in a global economic crisis," said president of Americans for Prosperity Tim Phillips.

Florida pastor Terry Jones joined the controversy, expressing his grave concern over Obama's threat to burn American currency and insisting that "anyone who calls himself an American and who even thought of such a despicable act must be suffering from a diseased mind and a sickly soul." The pastor said he hoped Barack Obama understands that the planned burning is a "destructive act" that may have a dangerous fallout.

Responding to Terry Jones, Obama reminded that he is burning tax dollars, not the Koran. "If we're not hurting any Muslims, where's the problem? We will continue to burn your money until we run out of it, and then we'll tax you some more. We will only stop on condition that all of you cut your consumption to a Third-World level, abandon your unsustainable American Dream, and don't resist when we take all your small, medium, and large businesses and put them under permanent government control.

Leaders of Third-World nations, the largest recipients of US foreign aid, have pleaded with Barack Obama not to burn the money because a "decline of the US economy will jeopardize our prospects of getting foreign aid in the future." In a separate letter addressed to Congress, they urged legislators to "stop this insane man from going ahead with such a senseless and outrageous act, which is a crime against humanity. Dollars today could mean zlotyls tomorrow. Where will it end? Stop the insanity!"

President of Pakistan Asif Ali Zardari said his country denounces the planned "shameful burning of taxpayers' dollars which could have gone to us by the crazy so-called leader," urging Interpol and US authorities to "stop the self-proclaimed economist from committing this highly criminal act." At a weekly news briefing, Zardari stated that this burning "is against the spirit of any economic doctrine and is, therefore, being rightly denounced by the entire international community. The oligarchs of Pakistan would disapprove of this act and the feelings of Muslims should be respected."

It remains unclear if the mounting pressure will stop the fanatical Washington cult leader from burning taxpayers' money, but many believe that his fundamentalist brand of liberation theology with its inflexible faith in the government control of all aspects of life, leaves almost no hope he will change his mind voluntarily.

Actually I have no opinion one way or another on this report, don't know whether to laugh or cry until Krugman advises me - uh - I mean "us".

The bonfire of the vanities.

But hey, wait a second. Isn't all the country's money the government's?

Best idea I've heard yet is companies sending employee's pay checks directly to the government. Then our bureaucrats extract appropriate kindling and direct deposit the remainder into the employee's bank account. This way we of the central committee always have sufficient funding to supply the people's needs. This could cause a sever backlash so we need to have a firm grip on the military prior to enactment.

This will all be done electronically so turn around time should be negligible. Google can handle tracking, they already know everything about you anyway. Such glorious control sends a tingle up my leg.

The British will have this system first because it is already under discussion there. Europe is normally ahead of the USA in progressive advancement. Their superior
culture and education gives them an edge.

ThePeoplesComrade -

that was exactly how the system worked in the Motherland, only with no stinking checks. That system was more efficient because it cut the middle man. The government simply kept all according to its own needs, and paid us the amount sufficient to buy some bets to fill the stomach and vodka to entertain the mind.

Comrade Red Square -

This is obviously only a initial step. People will adjust to not "receiving" checks and become acclimated to "receiving" their sustenance directly from the government. Eventually employer/employee involvement in wage rate decisions will become unnecessary. Fair Standards ™ will be set by the Central Committee ™, thus removing all selfishness and inequality. Harmonious Labor Relations ™ will result to the benefit of all.

Monitoring of worker's time worked will be superfluous. Happy and satisfied workers will naturally work their expected hours with acceptable diligence. Employer "profits" will be regulated by the State at Revenue Neutral levels. Price gouging will be a thing of the past because excess profits will be extracted by the State for the benefit of the people. We can finally be done with this rich vs poor foolishness and can direct our energies toward ecological sanity.

mi wrote:

Clearly, the concept of Freedom of Speech -- and protection of same from those offended -- has undergone quite a transformation since the times of Salman Rushdie.

Pastor Jones, in fact, is to be billed by the city -- is not this ingenious? Why go through the trouble of persecuting speech, when you can simply bill the speaker for protecting him?

He may be entitled to foodstamps and welfare, but as soon as he begins talking something we disapprove of, he is no longer entitled to police protection!

What? Freedom of Speech? That outmoded, pre-revolutionary and pre-Islamic concept? Supreme Court Justice Breyer sets the constitutional record straight when he informs us:

. . . he's not prepared to conclude that — in the internet age — the First Amendment condones Koran burning. “Holmes said it doesn't mean you can shout ‘fire' in a crowded theater,” Breyer told me. “Well, what is it? Why? Because people will be trampled to death. And what is the crowded theater today? What is the being trampled to death?”

And it's perfectly clear to this comrade that criticizing Obamacare is much worse than (falsely) shouting fire in an overcrowded hospital waiting room. As Nat Hentoff reports,

On Sept. 9, autocratic Kathleen Sebelius, U.S. Department of Health and Human Services secretary, wrote a threatening letter to the national office of America's Health Insurance Plans. Charging these insurance companies with "scare tactics" and "misinformation" about the president's Patient Protection and Affordable Care Act, Sebelius is incensed at their "falsely blam(ing) premium increases for 2011" on this Obamacare. She warns these miscreants that "there will be zero tolerance for this type of misinformation and unjustified rate increases." Missing from her edict is where she finds in the Constitution the authority of the executive branch to punish free-speaking critics of the implementation of a law.
And punish she will. There will be an enemies list: "We will also keep track of insurers with a record of unjustified rate increases: those plans may be excluded from health insurance Exchanges in 2014."
Bottom line: Shut up or we'll make you pay.

He can't fool me. The obviously sarcastic Hentoff pretends he disagrees with this necessary government mandate.

So, all of you counter-revolutionary wreckers, you can take your "freedom of speech," and your constitution, and your cash, and put it where the Hope and Change does not shine.

This should be fun. We can bring marshmallows from the Peoples Gulag (they're too rich for their taste anyway) and even cook a beet or cabbage.

Ahhh, the privileges of being in the "in crowd" never cease.

So what's next? Monitoring all of our credit card and debit card transactions via a "special" department within the Federal Reserve?

--ZB

Burning this cash is necessary comrades.

And I hear Dear Leader already purchased the carbon credits from the Chicago Hot Air Exchange to offset the carbon he will produce from burning the cash, which of course, is also going to saving the planet, as well as the jobs of thousands and thousands of very important bureaucratic positions.

And don't forget the auto union workers. Where would we be without them? They are so necessary to the workings of this nation.

Comrades,
It occurs to me that Pinkies magic money machine might be just the thing needed to really fund brother Barry's collective fires.
Then simply leave it on a few minutes longer so our Autoworker union members have sufficient funds for mandatory doobies and vodka as they assemble our finely crafted cars! This truly is turning into a workers paradise!

This would be another great opportunity for all those undocumented Democrats to do the jobs a job lazy Amerikans won't do - they one could hold the match to light the fight, and thereby create another government stimuli job.

Finally!

The Dear Leader (AP&PBUH) has introduced a low cost, renewable energy resource!

What BRILLIANCE! No matter how much He burns, the Fed will simply print more!

It's too bad Obamugabe didn't think of this before! The Peoples' Utopia of Zimbabwe would be the world's leading industrial powerhouse!

Comerades....
Dear leader obama is still thinking about the burning of the tax money. He has not decided if he will burn it or not. He has had his 'Burning Czar', Clovich Pyrotechish, look into the situation. Comerade Pyrotechish has deducted that it will take 20 gallons of accelerant (Siberian Sam's Charcoal Starter) to start the fire on the tax payer's 'donations'. It is difficult to burn 4 tons of 100 dollar bills.
Accounting Czars have told Dear leader that when you add up the price of the accelerant and the amount of money to pay for the shipping of 20 gallons of Siberian Sam's Charcoal Starter from Vladivostok: the cost of burning outweighs the worth of the money.
Dear leader may go to the second plan. He has talked to his OutSource Czar, Bob Skrewdecountrizich, and they decided to perhaps send the money to India where 50 old Indian women will sqat and glue the bills end to end and roll them into toilet paper. The toilet paper will be sold in markets in Mumbassa and Rangoon.
Dear leader obama believes the selling of this product will net the nation 40 dollars total and he will graciously give 25% of it to the poor.
Dear leader is traveling to India this week to sell the idea there. He will spend approximately 200 milllion dollars a day on the trip. Dear leader said he will spare no expense to push American products.
Watch it...dear leader...this smacks of capitalism and we know you will not abide that.