2/19/2012, 12:21 am
Don't trust your mother. Only trust me. The economy is booming.
Using an aspirin bottle between your knees as a method of birth control is no good. Michelle tried it -- to this day she still can't find the bottle.
Republicans, just like Jews, eat children. Keep your eye on them. The economy is booming!
Michelle has stopped eating for a minute. Oops, take that back – she started again.
Santorum will ban abortion. If you vote for me, not only will all abortions be free, but Michelle, I, of Katherine Sebelious will personally perform one for you.
All flags are to be flown at half-mast, in honor of our sister, Whitney Houston, who was brutally murdered in a racially-motivated attack by two republicans named Santorum and Mitt. I will christen a Navy ship with her name.
Rick Santorum killed Whitney Houston simply because she was black. And the economy is booming.
Michelle lost another dress size -- she's down to a 44. You go, girl!
Don't believe the GOP lies that my healthcare plan will limit cancer screenings. Vote for me you'll never get cancer.
Do you realize that the forty dollars ya'll just got from me will buy NBC's Andrea Mitchell TEN bottles of aspirin to put between her knees? Always lookin' out for ya. Santorum molests children.
When Santorum was in prison, he sold drugs – to Romney. I happen to know this for a fact.
Michelle finally got a pair of high heels reinforced with rebar. So don't be funnin' me about suddenly being short!
Hey, check out how I'm quietly decimating the military, and how I've added the head of the National Guard to dilute the power of the Joint Chiefs of Staff (all on Bill Ayers' advice). Military coup, my ass!
I have it on good authority Katherine Sebelious likes walking around in lingerie and wearing an SS hat and boots. But you didn't hear it from me.
Michelle had a little accident today: she got her trunk got caught in the limo door while reaching for a peanut. I can promise you, no one'll be seeing that secret service guy anymore.
Republicans ended Canada's long-gun registry so as to get me, just when the economy is starting to boom. Santorum reportedly just came back from Canada, carrying something long, wrapped in a blanket.
Napolitano says Santorum knows all our addresses and he's watching our every move. If you see him, he is armed and dangerous. If you feel threatened, call your local Occupy Captain for instructions. In the meantime, apply for food stamps and contact Sibelious to turn in your parents.
Christian or Jew songs in school are not allowed because they interfere with a woman's right to choose. But Muslim songs will be allowed because they are responsible for General Motors having its greatest profits ever.
Whitney would have sung Muslim songs if that child-molesting republican Rick Santorum didn't murder her. When in doubt what you're allowed to eat or sing, contact Sibelious office for guidance.
Current Speaker of the House Pelosi says 99% of Catholics use birth control. And Catholics trust me more than their church. (John Bohehner is no longer House Speaker -- trust me, I am a Constitutional law scholar, along with my other achievements no one seems to know about.)
Rev. Sharpton was on a secret mission for the CIA when he was intercepted by traffic officers today. I can tell you this: it is because of these secret efforts that we discovered Mitt Romney's past as a child-molesting priest and that House Speaker John Boehner is a demon. Power to the people!
I'm sorry to have to report this, but Rick Santorum is pro-female genital mutilation. If you must be around him, be sure to keep your pants on. Better yet, put an aspirin bottle between your knees and hang onto it like grim death.