The People's Cube - Political Satire

The following hard-hitting, well-reasoned editorial will be appearing in most of our finest daily newspapers in the next few weeks as soon as we call them up and instruct ask them to print it. Be on the lookout for it so you can spring into action and start writing letters of approval as soon as it appears.

We're Not All That Impressed With This Romney Chap

We here at the (insert name of paper here) are a fair, open-minded, tolerant bunch, as you would expect given our elevated social status. So, when an unknown, inexperienced politician named Willard Mitt Romney had the audacity to run for president, we decided to give him a chance and hear what he had to say about his "qualifications."

Well, Mr. Romney has been GOP nominee for president for over a month now, and frankly, we're not all that impressed with what we have seen. Let's look at the facts: despite Mr. Romney's alleged business acumen, the economy is even worse now than it was when the universally-despised Mr. Bush left office. Unemployment is higher, GDP is lower and let's not even talk about the deficit...

To be fair, Mr. Romney's protege Paul Ryan, a congressman from one of those northern states near Alaska, is supposed to be an expert on the deficit topic. In fact, that was why the man (with the GOP, it's always a man) was chosen, we were told. So while the candidate himself is not directly to blame for the deterioration in the fiscal outlook, the failure of Mr. Romney's hand-picked "expert" on the matter does not speak well of the candidate's judgement in that regard.
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Readers should remember that if some tragedy did befall the commander in chief, the gauntlet would pass to the vice president; it would not serve the country well to have a gaffe-prone buffoon in charge at such a critical hour. Mr. Romney seems to have blown it with his first important decision, selection of a VP. We're a bit reluctant to trust him with any others.

Anyway, back to Mr. Romney's inadequacies. The narrative from the Republican side is that he is some sort of financial wizard, but now we learn that he can't even do his taxes correctly, overpaying them by the ungodly amount of $500,000. It is beyond us how allowing a man who routinely overpays his bills to write checks on behalf of the US government is going to ameliorate our alleged deficit problem. Mr. Romney, who in his private life belongs to a somewhat obscure religious cult, may indeed be a wizard but we doubt his wizardry has anything to do with finance.

Moving on, we note that since Mr. Romney was nominated, acts of violence have plagued our embassies in many formerly-friendly foreign capitals and in fact, one of our ambassadors was recently murdered at his post. While this turn of events surprised us - we never expected foreign nationals to have as visceral a hatred of Mr. Romney as Americans do - what was even more astonishing to us was Mr. Romney's response to these crises, which was mostly to traipse around the country giving speeches and blaming the outbreaks on his opponent.

While the violence was erupting, Mr. Romney's wife somehow found the time to appear on a late-night talk show. We don't wish to be judgemental and feel the Romney family is free to take the deaths of Americans in the line of duty lightly if they wish, but we stand with the majority who feel a bit more respect should have been shown.

We have to conclude that Mr. Romney has had more than ample time to make his case and has failed to make the sale. Don't get us wrong, we think the man is likable enough - we think he is as likable as any borderline-competent whiny mediocrity who belongs to a cult that engages in bizarre rituals and who tends to blame others for everything could be - but we just don't think he has the stuff to be president. Not of this country, anyway.

We would rather stick with the known quantity, Barack Obama. The president has been tested, and tested and tested some more.... he's usually home in bed when the phone rings at 3 AM. He's been asked to make tough decisions. He's taken a couple of tough questions. He's travelled to other countries. He's eaten food even though he wasn't sure of what it was. When times were tough, the country looked to Barack Obama. With a myriad of crises bedevilling the country, now is not the time to change horses asses in mid-stream. With Barack Obama, we know what we're getting.

Korrekt, Komrades! Shovels to the shoulder, and Forward!™ over the cliff with our present Glorious Leader!

Opiate, this may be too "well-reasoned" for the vast majority of "fair, open-minded [and] tolerant" newspapers still printing with some substance called "ink" on our ever-shrinking supply of paper due to *spit* Kapitalistic deforestation which is Bush's fault. Since I have no independent thoughts of my own which have not been supplied by the mainstream media I can only assume that the newspapers of which you speak would be reluctant (though if they had a "nice paper there" they might be "convinced") to print anything about this *spit* rethuglikkkan duo that did not involve grannies being pushed off of cliffs and the Workers of the Unions being disbanded and bred to make children to toil in sweatshops 24 hours a day. They will want more Truth™ if it is to be printed.

You bring up a good point, Comrade Marx (love your uncle Karl!) Perhaps if some volunteers were willing to work the anchors' mouths, we could have this read aloud on MSDNC and similar popular news channels. Hey comrades, there could be a new shovel in it for you! (Only kidding - we Party higher-ups keep all the new shovels. Heh.)

The Dept. of Visual Agitation has finally finished illustrating the above story ahead of schedule. The larger images are below.

There was no mention of Ann Romney - who is obviously too radical, too angry, too frumpy, and too vulgar to be First Lady.

Don't Run Down The Economy

https://predicthistunpredictpast.blogsp ... onomy.html

M2RB: Linkin Park

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Comrades, I recall in 1992 after the election of Slick and our Many Titted Empress how, the day after, the campaign gushed that things were already better because the election had made them better. Even though they weren't even allowed into the White House.

Using this logic only strengthens Opiate's original argument. For after all, we despise causal evidence, and only care for circumstantial evidence, because, are you ready for this? there is no causation and we can claim whatever we want.

Oh hell, make it up. Lord O does. Bob Bechel does; he never met a fact that he didn't try to take behind the barn and kill with an ax.

So since Willard was nominated it is obvious that the murder of the ambassador is his fault. When Iran nukes Israel--which is what all true progressives want, even the Jewish ones--that too will be Willard's fault.

Just as saying "Chicago" is to invoke racism (I'm not kidding here) we can start the meme that any time that anyone has say a pimple on his ass it's Willard's fault.

Father Prog Theocritus wrote:Comrades, I recall in 1992 after the election of Slick and our Many Titted Empress how, the day after, the campaign gushed that things were already better because the election had made them better. Even though they weren't even allowed into the White House.

"Post hoc ergo propter hoc" ("after this, therefore because of this") is not a logical fallacy, it is the logical reason why things are always better under a Democrat president and always terrible, awful, bad, bad, *ptui* bad under a Republican one!

Father Prog Theocritus wrote:Oh hell, make it up. Lord O does. Bob Bechel does; he never met a fact that he didn't try to take behind the barn and kill with an ax.

So since Willard was nominated it is obvious that the murder of the ambassador is his fault. When Iran nukes Israel--which is what all true progressives want, even the Jewish ones--that too will be Willard's fault.

Just as saying "Chicago" is to invoke racism (I'm not kidding here) we can start the meme that any time that anyone has say a pimple on his ass it's Willard's fault.

Father Prog,

I'm sure Bob Blech'l gives facts a good "fluke-ing" before goring them with his ax. If Mittens™ doesn't win the election, that will be his fault, too, according to the Society of Elitist Squishes formerly known as National Review and other things. Mittens will be blamed for being too conservative; too rigid and scaring away the tempermental moderates during Halloween by tricking them with reichwing extremism, like creating an evironment suitable for economic growth and tax cuts, instead of offering them nifty, expensive treats like Obongo does.

Saying "Chitcago" invokes much more than racism. It invokes Billy (bob) Ayers, Saul Alinski, Tiny Dancer™, The Daleys™, The Combine™, sanctuary for undocumented democrats, a safe haven for corruption, gangbangin', drive-bys (and bi's). You get the picture. Just make it up as you go along. You can't possibly ever go wrong.

And what happens when two opposing prog faux-realities collide? Does it become a scientific exultation of the survival of the fittest with an equal outcome?

Opiate, how kind of you to resurrect a Latin tag. I love Latin. I learned it when I was trying to sorcer my way to power, entirely undeserved by my accomplishments, but entirely deserved owing to the fact that I am the Great Me.

You see? It's not cogito ergo sum; the Cartesian "I think therefore I am." It's Sum ergo debeor, which is, "I exist therefore I am owed."

And you're quite right. Timelines mean nothing. There is nothing but the utter will to power. If we must be anachronistic, so be it. Recall that the Soviet encyclopedia came out with regular updates, including a razor blade to remove the pages on which appeared pictures of people who had been made unpersons.

Back to the Latin. I got as far as Petronius with the first-ever werewolf story. A man took friends south on the Appian Way, and he took off his toga. He then peed in a circle. The word is circummingo. See what a pricy education will do for you? Pissing in a circle, and in LATIN yet.

Ah. Back to reality. Recently I corrupted a local priest to use my version of the Tridentine Mass. He don't know it but it's straight Marx, translated into Latin. The priests don't learn Latin any more.

Whinny, you raise an existential question. What does happen when two conflicting prog realities collide? Is it like two galaxies colliding over hundreds of millions of years?

No.

Proggery is this, and listen up, all you rank amateurs.

All that matters is the Commissar of the Hill.

There is no such thing as conflicting prog ideas. The very essence of proggery is the complete and total grasp of absolute, totalitarian, and autocratic (sounds weak, no?) power. Nothing else matters.

Get it? NOTHING ELSE MATTERS.

The Prog of the Hill will have his tastes enforced on the world. That's key, you know. His tastes. Not his ideas. His tastes. His tastes will become law. Ethics are bad things; they are no respecter of persons. If you're ethical and you're wrong. If you're unethical and you're wrong, someone doesn't agree with your tastes.

Since we have nothing which cannot be disproven by a Downs chimp, all we have is the tastes of the self-referential and solipsistic classes: academia and the media. The union thugs and the 14th Amendment pets, er, "clients" that we have accumulated merely add their clout to ours.

It's all about the power. Ideology is just fine but if you're coercive, and if you weren't you wouldn't be here, you know that history is the polemic of the victor.

Damn. I need to rearrange my junk. I'm a good prog.

There is no possible conflict in conflicting prog ideas. Darwin is utterly correct in this. The surviving one wins. The other will be eaten.

Just like the people, the 99%ers, who think that we will avenge them.

And they don't know that we've already eaten them and have shit them out.

Fools. Children. Moon-calves. Doe-eyed animals for the slaughter, dutifully braying and bleating and demanding "fairness" and--get this--ENTRUSTING US TO GIVE IT TO THEM.

Jeez. Pardon me, comrades, while I wipe my rheumy old Prog eyes. Nothing pleases me more, as the Madest of Made Progs, than stealing someone's very humanity, his agency, by telling him that he's been screwed and he can look to me for redress. While I enslave him in his rage.

He just has to check his wallet and liberties with me.

And I'll have him impaled on the south 40 at the Rancho.

I'm sure Comrade Chris Mathews ™ would agree with me. (He better.)