Many of us who, unlike Comrade Biden, have not passed excessive amounts of time consuming household cleaning products, may remember playing with plastic army persons during our youth. Well, progressive science has since discovered that this supposedly "harmless and educational" game was a ploy to instill patriarchal hegemony in male child-persons, encouraging their feelings of violence and aggression towards diverse cultures. Now that many of these feral youngsters have grown up, their knee-jerk jingoism obstructs the efforts of more enlightened, correct-thinking diplomats in dealing with religions and cultures of genuine peace and benevolence, especially in the Middle East.
In order to educate the new generation of state's mini-adults about the concept of a modern, correct-thinking army, the United Nations in association with the Obama Administration have created a revised set of plastic army persons for use in state-authorized play activities.
The UN Regulations Enforcement Officer. This soldier is one of the most important: she keeps watch on the rest of the company's personnel to make sure all UN guidelines, directives and wishlist items are being complied with. She may also occasionally turn around and observe the
enemy Friends The Country Hasn't Met Yet (FTCHMY for short) to check if they are watching any insulting films the company may be responsible for producing.
The Peace Offering Disbursement Technician. This soldier is the heart and soul of the progressive modern army. Her duty is lobbing peace offerings, such as free cell phones, Korans, pork-free sandwiches, etc, toward a FTCHMY position, to show we mean them no harm - and bribe them if at all possible. Since the FTCHMY may display excessive enthusiasm while handling loaded weapons, this technician needs to be able to throw stuff a good distance and duck quickly.
Environmental Engineer. Climate change is the biggest threat we face - far bigger than any FTCHMY or alliance of FTCHMYs. The EE keeps track of company's carbon emissions, makes sure all waste is biodegradable, and that solar panels and wind turbines at each new engagement site are properly installed. When the Army goes to all-electric tanks beginning in 2014, the EE will also supervise the vehicle charging stations. The electric tanks are expected to get upwards of 10 miles of running for each 24-hour charge and give off ZERO EMISSIONS.
MSW (Military Social Worker.) The MSW is the backbone of the modern progressive army. She engages the FTCHMYs in constructive dialog and attempts to resolve the conflict if at all possible. If necessary, the MSW may call in heavier armament, such as, a psychiatrist battalion, or draw her personal reset button and press it. In addition, the MSW holds group therapy sessions to help the company deal with the stress and feelings of guilt stemming from having to represent an oppressive, sexist, racist, homophobic country on the world stage.
Field Legal Officer. The FLO is the lawyer who defends the company against lawsuits and other actions brought by the FTCHMYs. She also arbitrates disputes between soldiers, their unions, and the Army. The FLO is the go-to person when a FTCHMY is injured during combat and is in need of filing a personal injury lawsuit (US soldiers don't get to sue anyone as they are all covered by Obamacare.) If and when a FTCHMY is injured as a result of an action by a US soldier, the FLO makes sure the person responsible is read their rights before being arrested by the UN Regulations Enforcement Officer.
Multi-cultural Chaplain. The MCC makes sure all important religious traditions, such as, Muslim, atheist, etc, are respected, by conducting dialogues, group therapies, and peace offering disbursements. If a FTCHMY accidentally dies during an engagement, the MCC gathers the company together for a funeral service in accordance with the deceased's religious beliefs. The MCC enforces compliance with the local customs, making sure female members of the company are wearing burqas when engaging FTCHMY in an Islamic host country.
Leader From Behind. The Leader From Behind is the company commander in chief. He or she follows the company, crawling on his or her stomach because that is the best way to observe the whereabouts and locate lost golf balls. From this advantageous position, the LFB is best able to detect negative trends in the engagement and select a suitable person to take the blame (the LFB is never to blame.) Outside of those duties, the LFB attends dinner parties.
Ideology Compliance Officer. The ICO is the only person in the company with a gun. If the engagement goes badly, the ICO will receive orders from HQ to open fire on the company members who have shown lack of enthusiasm in carrying out Leader From Behind's orders. Usually people selected for this position are incapable of hitting anything, but that problem is being worked on.
This represents the only correct way for child-persons to engage in military-themed play. Your help in conditioning the minds of your respective child-persons is required to help us build the Progressive Army of Tomorrow sooner.
Once it replaces the army of yesterday, our Party leaders will no longer have to compare US soldiers to Nazis and peaceful demonstrators will have no motivation to kill our embassy personnel in result of despicable films, cartoons, or even Mitt Romney's comments.
Volunteer compliance of all parents is mandatory. Comments are welcome, but critical ones will be treated as hate speech.
