The People's Cube - Political Satire

The original post has been rewritten by its author and published on 10/31/2012 in the People's Cube column at The Washington Times.


WASHINGTON, October 31, 2012 – If adding an exclamation point to the word "Forward" won't excite women voters, nothing will. Our resident expert on women's issues at The People's Cube explains the science behind this wonderful enhancement and demonstrates how it's going to affect the average disillusioned woman voter.

By Karen Lingefelt

I'm so excited now!

For months I'd been feeling too bummed by the stagnant economy and demoralized by the polls to consider voting! I didn't feel there was any point! Until Obama gave me a point! An exclamation point!

According to AP, Obama's campaign slogan is getting a boost: "NASHUA, N.H. - Obama's campaign added an exclamation point to placards and banners bearing the campaign's motto. Instead of a stoic period at the end of the single-word slogan, the signs now read 'Forward!'"

That's right! Not the cheap political points Republicans are always trying to score, but an EXCLAMATION POINT!

An exclamation point denotes excitement! It's bright! It's shiny! It dazzles! It distracts! But best of all, it excites!

Until now, Barack Obama tried just about everything to win my vote! Free stuff! The Lily Ledbetter Act, that gives me more time to sue my boss for discriminating against me! More free stuff! Cash for my clunker that I can put toward one month's payment on the principal for a Chevy Volt! And good grief, even more free stuff!

But none of it excited me enough to make me go out and vote for him - not even once!
Then Obama said if I didn't vote for him, Romney would win and fire Big Bird, because Romney said himself that he loves to fire people and even birds! But since I'm too old to watch Big Bird and thought maybe he could find a better-paying job in the private sector, I still wasn't excited enough to go out and vote for Obama!

Then Obama said that if I didn't vote for him, Romney would win and put women in binders!
Binders! Every progressive woman knows that when Romney spoke of being brought "binders full of women," of course he meant it literally! He couldn't possibly have meant anything else - and, besides, Joe Biden is always talking about how the Republicans want to literally do this and literally do that!

Yet when I heard Romney say it, I simply assumed he was referring to a three-ring binder, a presentation portfolio with a resume, certificates, letters of recommendation, and perhaps a professional portrait! Then again, I'm just a self-employed stay-at-home type who's never had to put together something like that, and since I'm not as enlightened and well-educated as the progressive women who thought he was referring to something more insidious and perverted, I must be wrong!

Still, the shocking prospect of being bound up for the amusement of misogynistic Republicans didn't excite me enough to switch my vote to Obama!

Then the Left tried to warm my heart - if not make my blood run cold - with children singing songs about how, if Romney steals the election, the whole world will suck so much we should all just curl up in a hole somewhere and die!

There was nothing exciting about that - in fact, the song itself made me want to curl up in a hole somewhere and die - until a mere exclamation point got me excited enough crawl out of that hole!

Nothing says "excitement" quite like the exclamation point!

Think of all the times you've seen an old, familiar product jazzed up in a different package labeled NEW! IMPROVED! NOW WITH MORE WHATEVER! Admit it - you bought it, even though you found out afterwards it was just more of the same old crud!

Or the packages labeled HEY KIDS! SPECIAL OFFER ON THE BACK! FREE INSIDE! Admit it - you threatened to throw a huge tantrum if someone else didn't spend their own hard-earned money on that package so you could get the freebie it promised! You didn't care if it was cheap and flimsy and of no purpose other than to separate someone besides you from their ill-gotten gains - it excited you because of that exclamation point!

So it is with Obama's dynamic, thrilling new slogan FORWARD!

That exclamation point will win back those women who let themselves get suckered into thinking they might actually care about something else besides abortion and birth control!
The exclamation point will get the masses too excited to think about unexciting things. Like the economy. Jobs. Operation Fast and Furious. Benghazzzzzzz...

See what happens when you don't use the exclamation point! Boring!

This is it: the exclamation point is what will get the masses off the couch and out of whatever line they're standing in to stampede to the polls and vote for Obama!
Nothing excites me more than exclamation points!

Exclamation points are like whistling a happy tune when you're shivering in your shoes so no one knows you're afraid of Romney stealing the election!

Exclamation points are like happy talk, talkin' about things you'd like to do, like voting for Obama!

Exclamation points are like singing about your favorite things when the dog bites and the bee stings and when you're feeling sad because polar bears are dying!

Why, Rodgers & Hammerstein could write a song about exclamation points making you feel more excited, but they're dead! Oh, well, at least they can still vote for Obama!

If only Team Obama had done this sooner, I'm sure he'd be polling in the 90s and no one would be showing up for Romney/Ryan rallies!

FORWARD! Don't look back! Forget what's past! Something exciting and thrilling surely awaits us! Something that will make us jump and shriek!

I just hope that after November 6th, I won't be getting more of the same old crud!

FORWARD!

Halloween is coming! Kids, when you go trick-or-treating this Wednesday, don't ask for candy! Obama will give you candy if you vote! He'll make it rain candy if you write to him and ask him! So don't trick-or-treat for candy! Instead, ask people to put all their money into your little pumpkin buckets, so you can give it all to Obama! And if people insist on giving you candy anyway, rip up their Romney yard signs, torch their cars, and burn their houses down! FORWARD!

I must admit, this news finds me quite nonplussed.

This! time! it's! serious!
I! am! loving! the! newspeak!
1%! GDP! Growth!
8%! Unemployment!
Obama! leads! Presidential! polls! from! behind!

Oh! my! excited! heart!

COMRADES! It strikes me that, from a distance, the exclamation point could easily be mistaken for a "1" - which is as it should be!

Dear Leader™ should have added an interrobama interrobang to cover all bases...

Comrade Putout, you do realize that seeing an interrobang could send Joe Biden into an endless loop, yes?

I must admit, Comrade Halliburton, I too was puzzled by this added symbol. Ah! But that is it! What is necessary to overcome puzzlement, confusion, fear of the unknown? Why, greater effort at the shoveling! And that, comrade, produces deeper digging - digging deeper into ones pockets for donations to thrust The One Forward™ to a second glorious term! It is simple. Da?

I've run out of paint from the communal commissary.
Now what?

His timing is impeccable. He has paced himself, never peaking out too early, presenting and building the image--layer upon layer
(like his birth certificate)
providing more and more improvement, coat by coat of whitewash finish, resulting in the candidate of 2008! In FOUR years, we are right where we started!

Who else could accomplish such a feat? An exclamation point, right when it's needed...

Astonishing

Astonishing!

Tovarichi wrote:In FOUR years, we are right where we started!

Actually, Comrade, sometimes it's necessary to take a step back in preparing to launch one's One's self forward. FORWARD!

Which is exactly what Dear Leader has done, thereby ensuring an even more amazing showing of his glorious Oneness!

We are several trillion dollars deeper in debt, the Mislooms are on the rise globally (with an Islamation Point, I might add), all the bowed-to leaders of various nations respect us significantly less and those who weren't personally bowed to did see all the bowing and also view us as weaker, our military is being cut deeper and deeper, tens of millions more are on food stamps, millions more are out of work, and so on.

And ALL done on purpose, so that Dear Leader can lead us more spectacularly FORWARD!

Is there no end to his wisdom and genius?

Oh, and did everyone see the article about all the exclamation points which were strewn in a Tea Party rally's parking lot by a truck with Obama stickers?

Glorious, simply glorious.

I look Forward to recycling the many now exclamation-point-less and obsolete Forward placards at our next communal cookout!

Comrades, I'm hearing a dog whistle with this new exclamation point. This is more than a simple change; its an order! FOR MORE EARS¡.

Comrades!! Please dont confuse the use of that symbol. The bureau had not planned on telling the prols the real reason for its suffixure after the word FOWARD until after the second four year plan! The all capital letters already indicate confidence, loudly proclaimed! The exclamation point of course has always been associated with capatalist usage: Best Fries ever!! or fifty percent off!! No brothers, This is merely a reverse dog whistle to shift focus away from recent troubles in the polls. If you look closely you will see it is just a minature shovel! nothing more!

As of this morning, this post made history at The Washington Times. It appears on the front page of the paper's website and is featured at the top of the Communioties section. See screenshots below.

EXCELLENT work, Pinkie! Your writing is awesome and inspiring. Now give yourself a Beet of the Week Award!

Yes comrades, I can see clearly now how much an exclamation point improves and empowers a word-

Women and females were also blown away by vice president Biden and HIS use of the exclamation mark when he said and I quote " Im gonna give you the whole Load!"

Pinkie, I'm proud of you. (For the first time in my adult life, that is.)



You da Bomb!

I'm thinking all that beet vodka over the years finally took care o' bidness in Pinkie's brain! ~grin~

>>> BEET OF THE WEEK!!! <<<

Jimmy Johnson says, "Women now flock to me since I started Slogan Enhancement."

Excellent usage of the English language to deliver Universal Truth, Pinkie! -- With a mere stroke, a passive adverb is transformed into a properly authoritative imperative, drawing bourgeois Amerikan females into your cleverly constructed mental path of Healthy Reliance On Party Guidance And Concern™.

Your wit stings precisely because it resonates with The Guilty.

To further encourage the whores Sexually Liberated, Prostitutes The Peoples Sex Workers and Cowgirls to get excited as well, Might I recommend that Dear leader add “Ho” to the make it 2 words? DA?
In no particular order so as to be fair to all.

!!!!!!?

Thank you for the compliments, comrades, even if they're given simply to avoid the alternative which requires the vigorous use of my shovel.

But I was actually expecting marriage proposals! Red Square got one for one of his columns over there, so I thought surely I would need my shovel--or maybe just one of my back copies of Modern Bride magazine (I would never use the current issue to do this)--to beat off all the good looking hunky guys, bronzed pecs glistening in the sun, who would surely make a stampede to the doorstep of my hovel, holding diamond rings in open boxes perched in their outstretched hands! At the very least I dreamed of men dueling and shooting each other in the streets for my hand, and then threatening to shoot themselves if I didn't agree to make them the happiest men in Obamadom!

But no. Nothing. Not even from the usual losers lined up outside my hovel each Friday night, reeking of Calvin Klein's "Desperation" with a box of half-priced chocolates from the Scratch-and-Dent in one hand and a wilting nosegay of dandelions in the other.

Instead I'm told to give myself Beet of the Week--like what am I, Miss Lonely Hearts, that pathetic old spinster in Hitchcock's Rear Window? I can't get a proposal or even a date, so I should just sit in my hovel having a romantic candlelit dinner with an empty chair?

Oh wait--never mind. That must be my dream date with Barack Obama!

Well Pinkie, I've had my lackeys searching all the kingdom for the hot tempered gal that stole my heart whose shovel fits the crease on my noggin. She said her name was silly and I wouldn't like it.

I can only propose and marry you if your shovel fits.

Could it be the Cinderella story come true? I can only hope so as I'd like a chance to whack her back.

Oh I am to wonder how the meager in the collective... ahem... made fun my shrieking call for so long!!!!

All will glorify the shriek mark soon!(!)!

Hail Obama!

(and Barrack Bless Pinkie... May all Her Dreams of Socialist Utopia Come True... !!!!!!)

Commissarka Pinkie

Don't worry my sweet little babushka! Your dance card will be filled up soon again with the usual losers crop of hunky suitors. The Fleet's now back in port.

R.O.C.K. in the USSA wrote:Comrade Putout, you do realize that seeing an interrobang could send Joe Biden into an endless loop, yes?

Is that circular logic?

I.M. Craptek wrote:

images.jpg

I look Forward to recycling the many now exclamation-point-less and obsolete Forward placards at our next communal cookout!

They burn too?
I was using them for the dogs poop mats.

Famous Cubist Inspires 11th Hour Slogan for Obama 2012 Campaign:




--KOOK

Dearest Pinkie, I am but a humble Beet flavored beverage, but upon drinking me I have the power to change minds and win hearts. Your progressive attitude works like some strange tonic on me. I am however equally progressive and I would like to point out that waiting for a man to ask for your hand in marriage or even civil unity, is an outdated concept. A truly progressive woman should recognize this. I await your proposal to me, and look forward to sharing our beat salad, and stale bread together after a long day of toil. I have enclosed my favorite box of cereal rations to show you of my sincerity. p.s. I already liberated the prize from the box.

BFK, your graphic actually corresponds to a point (ahem) I made in the article. What drew you to that package? Why, the exclamation point that got you all excited over the prospect of 17% more beets!

That, and the shovel inside! Tell me, who did you badger and threaten to beat up if they didn't buy you that box of cereal?

And as for the idea that I can do the proposing, then that means I have my pick of comrades!

Who here among you considers yourself worthy of me?

Commissarka, only in my most progressively wild dreams could I ever deem myself worthy (other than equally worthy, of course) of your delightfully exquisite shovel-based charms!

I shall, therefore, humbly and forthwithly remove myself from the list of potential suitors, at least until such time as I have a shovel of my own to call home.

The swelling hasn't gone down since the last whacking by the golden shovel of enlightenment. I'm damaged goods.

Stop sniffling, I'll be fine. No, really... don't beg. Save yourself Pinkie, you deserve better than an old soldier...

In the glorious world of next Tuesday, this archaic contest for Pinkie's affection will be moot. Under the advanced phases of the Affordable Care Act, she will simply await her one-year term of service as a registered Birthing Unit, at which point she will be assigned a suitable donor who has not already been rendered sterile by well-aimed shovel whacks. While I know this criteria most likely rules me out of contention, I wish the rest of my male comrades luck in the selective lottery and in the shovel dodging.

Victor E. Bear boasts: 1: can pick four crates of beet per hour (BPH)! 2: can drink entire months ration of vodka in one sitting!! 3: can denounce at a tenth grade level!!! 4: Has warm fur suitable for cuddles in Siberian climate!!!! 5: studied non procreative sex education with Sandra Fluke!!!!! 6: My offspring shall enjoy 1/2 polar bear- American status!!!!!! 7: enjoy a good shoveling from time to time!!!!

Comrade Pinky, I almost forgot to enclose a picture of me that should most certainly seal the deal. Drink it in !!!!

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:BFK, your graphic actually corresponds to a point (ahem) I made in the article. What drew you to that package? Why, the exclamation point that got you all excited over the prospect of 17% more beets!

That, and the shovel inside! Tell me, who did you badger and threaten to beat up if they didn't buy you that box of cereal?

And as for the idea that I can do the proposing, then that means I have my pick of comrades!

Who here among you considers yourself worthy of me?

Comrade Pinky, Indeed when I created the graphic in honour of your esteemed article, I instinctively knew that beets at the 17% level would taste much better than even 75% beets( sans Exclamatory punctuation). It seems you alone understand my pain in this all too exclamationarilly challenged world.

Comrade Viktor Bear, welcome to the Cube! I'm not going to tell you all about Pinkie, but perhaps you could assist me with this crossword puzzle clue...

seven letters, "suprise attack" AMBU_H

something tells me it's appropriate... Again, welcome!

WOW! What a showstopper.


Encore Encore -

It's been four years, but Chris Matthews finally got another thrill up his leg!

Guardian of Pravda wrote:!!!!!!?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!!!!!! (cough) !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
!!!!!!!!

You know, sometimes an exclamation point is just an exclamation point. (but if it is something metaphorical it really ought to see a doctor for being testicularly challenged.

Thank you for the compliments, Kevin; however, I hope never to see any more of your less interesting spam links on my thread or elsewhere, because if I have to delete another one, I will rip out your eyeballs and shove them down your pants so you can watch me beat the crap out of you with my shovel.

FORWARD!

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:Thank you for the compliments, Kevin; however, I hope never to see any more of your less interesting spam links on my thread or elsewhere, because if I have to delete another one, I will rip out your eyeballs and shove them down your pants so you can watch me beat the crap out of you with my shovel.

FORWARD!

Hahahaha. You don't tug on Lenin's cape, you don't spit into the wind, you don't pull the shingles off the old gold Kremlin and you don't mess around with Commisarka Pinkie.

Catchy, good beat, easy to dance to...87.

* breaks into screaming guitar electric shovel solo, spinning around and tossing guitar shovel into the air *

Comrades,

I have always been told by the Feminatzies in my life to "look out for myself," always put yourself first: I most certainly did look out for myself, winning many personal "battles." Something deep within me told me something different. I can also go for myself by doing this:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?NR=1&feat ... 8ysQcoZUNY

For Stalin's sake, please don't tell anybody I said this. Especially Pinkie, she'll kill me! Please. I beg you!