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Darwin help us all, those Nazis are putting up Nativity scenes, Christmas trees and singing carols about the birth of some guy named Christ! Stupid knuckle-dragging Neanderthal scum! How dare they offend our sensibilities, how dare they! Fear not comrades, I am here once again to let you in on the titillating secrets on how to celebrate this oppressive theocratic hate fest while embodying the true spirit of Christmas—Communism!

Yes, I know we like to tell the weak conservatives that Jesus was in fact a communist, social activist, economist and registered Democrat—but if that were true, which its not, then I guarantee the cross would be hanging from every union hall, brothel, classroom, publisher, television network and ditch. Sadly enough it's not true and that is why we detest the mention of Christmas and the “reason for the season” behind it.


Like my Solstice sweater vest? I thought so; I paid a hefty price to purchase it—even going so far as to deny a cancer victim a few dollars so I could look trendy at Panera Bread and Starbucks! Yes, it's always good to share the season cheer with others, that's why my sweater vest is adorned with patch-work pictures of dildos, Charles Darwin and some random lesbian womyn that I happened to find in one of many smut magazines. I only paid 200$ for it and was guaranteed that no sweatshop labor went into the production of such a nifty sweater vest—just kidding Kathy Lee, it was sweatshop made! Beheheh! My sweater vest is progressive, and that is what the Solstice Celebration is all about! It's about looking good, feeling great and offending any prehistoric Christians as they walk past your ditch grunting and moaning of some strange shit called “compassion”! What a bunch of retards, honestly!

Ditch Décor

Nothing gets me in the spirit more than decorating the ditch! Of course I don't live in a ditch, I happen to live in a multi-million dollar home complete with servants. But enough about me, let's get down to the nitty gritty on how your ditch should look!

I usually like to start the decorating in the orgy room, or what you would call the “living room”. Yes, it's living indeed, at least in my home, Beheheh! Pardon me, I had to get that out. Ok, moving on, lets start with the tree. Your tree should be at least ten (10) feet tall and must be artifical. If your tree is real, that makes you a murderer. Ok, remember that, real trees = murder. OK? Do you understand? Good, now then, if you make - oh I don't know - like under 200K a year - you should steal a tree from your neighbors. These things are pricey, take my word for it and steal the son of a bitch and make sure your neighbors know you stole it! It is fair isn't it? I mean they are class exploiters putting you down to give tax cuts to the wealthiest one percent right? Yeah, that's right, so steal the damn thing and kill whatever pets they may have bought to stop you. Oh, and steal whatever is underneath the tree as well, we are democrats, and things come free for us!

Now that you stole the tree, feel free to decorate it with crack pipes, dildos, condoms, pig intestines (don't eat the pig you murderer!) and whatever else reeks in progress. I personally like to decorate my tree with golden idols that were once considered gods in time of lore. This is just a personal taste I picked up while vacationing in France and it has always made for good conversation while droning on to my parents about how the President of the United States is a filthy war criminal. Yes, good conversation is vital when celebrating the Solstice Season, so be sure to find the most grotesque way to pervert a symbol that has come to symbolize Christmas.

Progressive Flare Tip:

Make sure your dildos have cut outs in them so you can insert pictures of loved ones. This will let them know that they are firmly in your thoughts, sacrifices and pants this Solstice Season.

Lets move onto the collective garden shall we? I like to decorate my garden with laterns that burn on cat urine. I know, the smell is awful—but that's the point you silly goose! I want you to inform your neighbors that you are actively celebrating a Holiday that isn't full of superstition, trumped up miracles, faith and all that other crap, and there is no better way to do so then to let them have a deep breath of boiling cat piss! Trust me; the cops will be at your door in a heartbeat to harass you, which is a good thing, because you can sue them for infringing on your constitutional right to burn cat piss! This is also useful to ward off any carolers who wish to offend you with the themes of “good will towards men”, “compassion”, ”tidings of comfort and joy” and a whole litany of other sexist, racist and demeaning songs that offend the countless members of this little spaceship we call Earth.

Progressive Flare Tip:

Your collective garden looks great, the orgy room has a beautiful artifical tree and now we have to think about the ditch itself! Go that extra mile and hang up pictures of all the people you had sexual relations with! If you are a true progressive, the number will have to be in the near thousands by now which will give you plenty to gloat about. So go ahead and string your ditch with all of those you used for meaningless filthy animal sex! Oh, and don't forget the dead doe! Every ditch should have a dead doe laying about so old Saint Carter can have a poke or two himself!” Ho Ho Ho, buy my book, Ho Ho Ho Oh? A doe! Whoa, ooooohhhhhhh, yessssss, yeeeeeees! Ahhhh, this ditch will get a special invite to my next peace summit!”

Solstice Cooking

Mmmm, smell those cookies? Yes, they are 100% soy based styro-vegetable substitute no bake cookies, and they are delicious! Go ahead, try one…. Good aren't they? I can tell by the sour expression on your face you pig! Do you really think I'm going to make something tasty for my pig family or some well wisher that shows up at my door!? Hell no! I want the bastards to choke to death because they are the ones who sent us on a raging imperialist war path, those pigs! Those blood thirsty oil hogging cave monkeys deserve nothing, nothing I tell you! But since I want to embody the Solstice spirit, I have decided to make them eat this garbage! Now then, if you want a real treat, nothing does it like a tall glass of Citgo gasoline and artificial tree limbs. <Num num num num!> Mmmm mmmm that sure is tasty; I can still taste the plastic grit between my teeth! And so help me, if I find out you were baking cookies or any other shit that reminds us of Christmas, that's it, you're gone and will find yourself sitting next to Connie Chong in a boxcar to Siberia you cookie slut! You have been warned!

Progressive Flare Tip:

Beggars can't be choosers, some of our comrades (all of them!) are living well off since the tax-hikes, so this year I want you to rummage through other folks garbage to find the best in Solstice goodies. Used tampons, rotten lettuce, medical waste and other treats can be used to make the delicious Who-poohed Surprise Casserole! Yes, nothing taste better than helping the environment by digesting other peoples trash/waste! Would you want that crap buried in your body? No, I should think not, so why make Mother Earth have to stomach it when Darwin gave you one to do that for her!? Get eating you peons! Lenin forbid if my states temperature rises a degree! I LOOK AWFUL IN SHORTS YOU EARTH KILLERS!

Having People Over

I strongly disagree with anyone coming over unless it's for sex or to take advantage of them for campaign contributions. I mean really, you see enough people for the blood thirsty Thanksgiving hate-a-thon! So please, feel free to dismiss anyone who interrupts your peaceful gastric meditation or your self inflicted wounds in celebration of The Great Darwin. If they refuse to go away, bare yourself in the nude and begin throwing furniture at them. I always found this especially helpful when charity groups wind up on my front door step begging me to help someone else in need. I look at them crazy, strip down to my skivvies, and begin throwing furniture, dead rats, feces and whatever else I can get my hands on. Yes, they run and scream and call the cops—but that's the point right? We want the police to show up so we can scream “excessive force!” and spend the New Year collecting a rather large sum of cash that our top notch NY trial lawyer suckered the jury into rewarding us! Duh! It's our Holiday, and we will throw whatever we want at whoever we want. Besides, the tax-payer will help those in need, like FEMA did for the hurricane victims! Hell, I bought three Louis Vuitton handbags and several crates of Stoli—and I wasn't even in New Orleans! Suckers, ahahahahah!

Progressive Flare Tip:

Never strip down in front of a lesbian advocacy group! Never ever do this if you are a MALE! You would be surprised at their reaction, it's not pretty, and I suggest you run to your panic room if such a mistake is ever made (I cannot guarantee you will be safe, not even in the panic room—they have tools, powered ones, and they are quite crafty with them!).

Spreading the Solstice Cheer to Others

I hate Nativity scenes, I do, I just hate them and when I see one while driving by in my hybrid, I am just compelled to take immediate action! So this is what I do, I steal them, load them up in my trunk, and then I replace them with a miniature reenactment of George Allen calling a person of color a macaca (complete with voice recordings and collective outrage of the crowd). Yes, we have this now to remind EVERYONE of what happened on that sacred hate filled day! And that is more important than any Messiah—especially the Christian one! I mean really, a U.S Senator called someone a macaca, and according to all media outlets… macaca means monkey (gasp!). And that is just wrong, that is unless you have a PhD in Biology or Anthropology. Let's face it friends, we all evolved from monkeys, this is truth and we all know it because it's backed by science. However, if you call anyone a monkey at any given time, be prepared to be labeled a racist, a reich winger, a fascist and a fat knuckle-dragging Neanderthal who sweats on the toilet while making poopies! We will not tolerate such language! You got that Republican scum! We came from monkeys, but never ever call us one! You pigs make me want to puke!

I hope this special edition of DL&CG was helpful and I'm sure you will pick up many more helpful tips on how to celebrate the Solstice Season in a Party-approved manner.

GRAMMAR KILLS!

Darwin bless us, everyone!

<falls off chair>

Bvt. Field Marshal Pravda wrote:<falls off chair>

Are you OK?

Perhaps we could think of a cover for the Solstice edition of the Ditch Living & Collective Gardening quarterly - featuring a lucious shot of Cindy Sheehan amidst thumbnails and headlines about gift ideas and other bits of advice for a dedicated ditch dweller. Part of it we see in the headline. Where's the rest of the cover? Ooh, ooh, will there be a centerfold?

That's a good idea comrade Red Square, let us work collectively this Solstice season and present more ideas on how to celebrate in a Party approved fashion. I am not an artist, and I am ashamed of this. My publisher said he/she would drop my magazine if I don't have a cover by Dec. 25. This makes me sad (see my sad face? I'm frowning, see?) No magazine means no extra $$$ to save that brothel that was closed down in Nitwitia! Boo hoo hoo, help me comrades, help me! Think about the prostitutes! Think about THEM!

SUBMIT AND SUBSCRIBE TO DL&CG!

This Solstice season, comrade, I'm busy working for capitalist exploiters (little do they know that the ca$h they're paying me serves to undermine their own rule!). I'm late already on my deadlines. You can try creating the cover yourself, and I can help you clean it up if you send me the original file with layers (assuming you're using a program that uses layers and can export files as .PSD (photoshop format).

Red Square wrote:This Solstice season, comrade, I'm busy working for capitalist exploiters (little do they know that the ca$h they're paying me serves to undermine their own rule!). I'm late already on my deadlines. You can try creating the cover yourself, and I can help you clean it up if you send me the original file with layers (assuming you're using a program that uses layers and can export files as .PSD (photoshop format).

Its OK comrade, it's more important for you to undermine the capitalist warmongers by taking their $$$. I am but a humble apparatchik with plenty of time to spare -- not to mention a long Christmas break (my professors like their time off, the lazy bastards!) I will think of something revolutionary and will work on it tonight (suggestions welcomed by everyone). I thank you for your professionalism and diligence comrade Red Square (and for the support. )!

ONWARD TO, UHHH, NEXT TUESDAY! WHERE WE'LL ALL LIVE IN BLISS! Ahahaha!

The image is little heavy Red, forgive me! I tried to resize it to the magic 500 (or less) but it became barely legible (why do I keep using emoticons? Why? Its becoming habit forming!!)

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:...professors like their time off, the lazy bastards!...

Guilty as charged, Punchy, my boy! But we members of the intelligentsia prefer to call our revolutionary idleness "sticking it to the man!", instead. Some of our Union friends might even refer to it as a "demi-strike".

I haven't the energy, at present, to describe the rigors of the ennui that I suffer on a daily basis. *Sighs* The brainwork must continue, nevertheless... So many students to indoctrinate and so little time - especially since I'm tenured and only required to teach one course a semester.

At any rate: Cheers, *clink*

Reclining on my antique Louis XVI setee, which I recently acquired from Sotheby's, with my white Persian cat, Svetsy, and a glass Babeuf's latest Cab called "Tet Offensive".

- Dr. P

I feel your pain Dr. P! It must be dreadful sitting around all day and grading papers! I couldn't imagine such a lifestyle, It's too horrible to contemplate! Therefore I commend you, Dr. P, for putting up with the "rigors" that is Academia.

Continue slapping the faces of those students who spell it "potaTOE"!

Cheers! *clink*,

-- Meowsevich

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:I feel your pain Dr. P! It must be dreadful sitting around all day and grading papers! I couldn't imagine such a lifestyle, It's too horrible to contemplate! Therefore I commend you, Dr. P, for putting up with the "rigors" that is Academia.

Thank you, dear Chairman, for your sympathy. (I've sent my factor Worthington over to your estate with a couple of cases of "Tet Offensive". I'm sure you'll love it!) But, I must confess that I rarely condescend to actually grade papers; that's what graduate assistants are for - the suckers - Ha ha ha.

My main source of anguish is the constant game of radical one-upmanship that I have to play with the 'young turks' on the faculty. Being "prolier than thou" is enervating work, indeed. One day, some neophyte instructor proclaims that he's going to have gender-reassignment surgery; the next, another associate starts a hunger strike against conflict diamonds. I'm getting too old for this shight.

I agree, I am also getting too old (I have a plastic surgeon in Bev. Hills, Dr. Gehgiji, give him a call!) Uggh, thank-you for the "Tet"; I needed that. I have some, how should I say this, "person with an alternative lifestyle", coming in to take over PQ Magazine (Prole Quarterly) for me. The Party has been clamoring for a periodical that deals with fashion and less in the area of gardening and cooking. I just don't have the time anymore, I got three whores that want constant attention, a new vacuum that wants to go steady and a few lobbyists that can't keep their mouth shut to the Ethics Committee. It's madness Dr. P, just sheer madness! My secretary has yet to get his name for me; I just hope it's not another lesbian trying to peddle flannel shirts and hardware - sweet Jeebus daughter of Harry, so help me if it's another Hillary babe!

I love the recipes in the newest edition! It helped me lose 10 pounds of fat and gain 5 in muscle...the gym didn't hurt either. Better than those capitalist bigs stuffing themselves silly.

Happy Ramahanukwanzmas!

Commissar Vladimir Ivanov wrote:I love the recipes in the newest edition! It helped me lose 10 pounds of fat and gain 5 in muscle...the gym didn't hurt either. Better than those capitalist bigs stuffing themselves silly.

Happy Ramahanukwanzmas!

The Who-poohed Surprise Casserole is loaded in essential vitamins, good cholesterol and of course E-Coli. I recommend this treat to all who wish to lose a few pounds before the Orgy Season.