The People's Cube - Political Satire

Dearest Komrade Red Square, Komrade Otis, Premier Betsky (Betsky - so pleased to see your putsch was successful), and Kurrent Comrade Arbiter of Intractably Foul Miasmic Gutter Gleaning,

Greetings glorious komrades. I have returned from my tour of the kolonies and only just removed the chains and purged notices from the door (I should never have agreed to a date with that Federal'naya Sluzhba Bezopasnosti guy... he turned into a bit of a stalker and kept setting off the alarm so I had to unhook it... and I think he stole my cat). It was an eventful year and I'm sorry I had no chance to check in. I can't speak of much of it, but I did spend a lovely few months in the Caribbean.

Fidel's surgery went well, but I really wish he would lay off of the cigars. While I was down there, I got into a little argument with Hugo over the relative merits of Viktory Vodka over Mojitos... he can't expect to be taken seriosly if he's going to run around slugging back drinks with frilly umbrellas. I did manage to teach him a few verses of Every Shovel Counts. Autumn found me in the UK - I am recovering nicely; the nausea is gone and my hair has almost completly grown back! I never imagined one could find such good sushi in London.

I rounded up the dolphins on the way back to Kanadistan. I'd dropped them off the coast of Newfoundland on my way out where they continued with their maneoeuvers. I believe they will be ready to begin training for May Day celebrations shortly. They've developed a lovely water ballet routine that makes surprising artistic use of their head mounted laser sights striking the spray thrown up by depth charges, though in a pinch, they can always fake a bit of mist with their blow holes. Cheeky Cetaceans... They have been agitating for higher herring rations though.

And that's it for now. I'll have to go through the holiday snaps and see if there are any worth posting. I got some funny ones of Hugo's idiot friend at the World Cup... what's his name? The fat coke addict who used to play for Argentina. Anyhow. I think I hear Boris, the FSB guy, trying to get in the back window. I have a funny trick umbrella I picked up in London that I want to show him.

Character Counts!
Sister Massively Opiated
Handi-Capable Radical Cheerleader and Pod-Mother

ps... where has Chistka Counselor gone?

Welcome back, Sister M.O.!

Chistka (Purge) Counselor has purged himself at about the same time you went away on your secret mission. Somehow we thought he went there with you and so we prepared a bag of Party favors for his return (a few expired ration coupons, a diluted bottle of vodka, and some leftover magic sprinkles from the Democrat election campaign this November).

Now I won't hold you any longer - you've got plenty to catching up to do on our glorious Party Organ!

Sister Massively Opiated, we'd thought the fascist Bushitler had thrown you into the dungeons of Gitmo. Glad to see you're still with us and doing the Party's work! A toast to the future, comrade. To the future!

Red Square wrote:Welcome back, Sister M.O.! Chistka (Purge) Counselor has purged himself at about the same time you went away on your secret mission. Somehow we thought he went there with you and so we prepared a bag of Party favors for his return (a few expired ration coupons, a diluted bottle of vodka, and some leftover magic sprinkles from the Democrat election campaign this November).

I can only surmise that perhaps he may have finally tracked down his arch nemesis, the non-existent thought-criminal Nathan Haleski. If you remember, he was getting a bit obsessive about it and I believe it had become personal, to the Party's detriment... Purges were lagging... he was slipping behind in his quotas... there were actually empty bunks in the gula... ahem... at the Karl Marx Summer Indoktrination and Crafts Camp for Make Benefit Glorious Potyomkingrad... I think you felt it too. Why else try to "reward" him with "Magik Sprinkles", magik clearly being a thought crime, based as it is on superstition and the notion of a supernatural supreme being... This is The Cube, after all, not North Korea!

... so no... not with me... and he made the dolphins skittish...

Red Square wrote:Now I won't hold you any longer - you have a lot to catch up with on our glorious Party Organ!

I feel well-loved already, back in the bosom of The Cube. And as always, when online, I'll be practicing safe fax, Glorious Party Organ or not (no Betsky... if you email yourself, you will not go blind... I believe C. Otis may be working on a PSA about it as I type this, seeing as I'm sure it's on the minds of many a Young Cosmo-Pioneer... and if I can manage to catch up and the Politbureau approves an advice column, I believe we'll be able to re-edukate many about the myths and realities of electronic congress).

Comrade Otis wrote:Sister Massively Opiated, we'd thought the fascist Bushitler had thrown you into the dungeons of Gitmo. Glad to see you're still with us and doing the Party's work! A toast to the future, comrade. To the future!

It would take more than a rigged mud-wrestling match with Condoleeza Rice to keep me down... besides, C. O., Gitmo is just a suburb of sunny Habana. Olé!!

Commonly Denominated,
S.M.O.

Glad to see you are back safely, Sister Massively Opiated. A lot has gone on while you were away, and I encourage you to research our new stance on human/appliance marriage. Very interesting, but in order to get the full story you will have to talk to Chairman M. S. Punchenko, our leading expert in that field.

Dearest Premier B (he of the monkey extract... I'm still having flashbacks, BTW... coulda warned me..)

Premier Betty wrote:Glad to see you are back safely, Sister Massively Opiated. A lot has gone on while you were away, and I encourage you to research our new stance on human/appliance marriage. Very interesting, but in order to get the full story you will have to talk to Chairman M. S. Punchenko, our leading expert in that field.

Hmm... yeah I noticed and have been diligently exploring. I guess it's good that I had bunker 3 retrofitted with solar panels while I was away... especially if our energy needs are going to be increasing. I'd be more than pleased to consult with Chairman M. S. Punchenko as long as he consents to provide frozen snacks. I was just perusing the Gulagotroll thread and I'm mightily sorry I missed the discussion on the Troll-72 with French Poodle gun... You know I've always been a gun nut and a dog lover...

Woof Woof, Bang Bang,
S.M.O.

Hello Sister M.O.,

My name is Meowsevich S. Punchenko, you may call me Meow if you like - but please, refrain from making any sexual advances towards my new Dyson vacuum cleaner (it is my lover, partner and cleans my expensive carpeting with relative ease).

I have admired your work for sometime now, Sister M.O., and have always wondered whatever happened to you. Alas, many comrades come and go, some even spirited away at night for looking at Her Excellency in a rather crude manner... I too questioned your disappearance, but now I'm happy knowing that you are OK (General Ivan PBUH, he will be missed). Please, take this frozen trans-fat free animal safety ensured tofu bar as a token of my gratitude. It may taste like cow dung, but I assure you it will keep your bowel movements regular and will promote a cleaner environment for the children. ITS ALL FOR THE CHILDREN, WE MUST ALL REMEMBER THAT!

Never forget the Macaca,

Chairman M. S. Punchenko

P.S Comrade Red Square - I stole the diluted vodka and the expired ration coupons, I know, I shame myself. I traded in the ration coupons for Mega Millions tickets and the vodka for a cheap knock-off Rolex that I gave a dear old friend of mine to ensure my personal safety (Smersh). Please forgive me; I kind of knew that Chistka Counselor wasn't coming back (his name popped up on the Suicide Holiday Greeting database). You would've done the same for an autographed poster of Yul Brynner! DON'T LIE TO ME! I know your ways...

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:My name is Meowsevich S. Punchenko, you may call me Meow if you like - but please, refrain from making any sexual advances towards my new Dyson vacuum cleaner (it is my lover, partner and cleans my expensive carpeting with relative ease).

Pryvet Meow,
I used to have a Siamese Cat named Mousie Dung... Alas, he was eaten by a Polar Bear one terrible Kanadistanjan spring. Now it is only Natasha the Siberian Husky, Rat-Thing the octegenarian diabetic pygmy lynx, and the Dolphin Hoard... and myself...

mmMmm... Dyson... cyclonic... but is it not yellow?... the colour of diehard dems and capitalist running dog lackeys? My Trabant 601 vacuum attachment hooks right into the manifold... 25 hp... 600 cc... 0 to 100 km in 83 seconds!... and it also comes with a meat slicer attachment... it is, of course, red.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:I have admired your work for sometime now, Sister M.O., and have always wondered whatever happened to you. Alas, many comrades come and go, some even spirited away at night for looking at Her Excellency in a rather crude manner... I too questioned your disappearance, but now I'm happy knowing that you are OK (General Ivan PBUH, he will be missed). Please, take this frozen trans-fat free animal safety ensured tofu bar as a token of my gratitude. It may taste like cow dung, but I assure you it will keep your bowel movements regular and will promote a cleaner environment for the children. ITS ALL FOR THE CHILDREN, WE MUST ALL REMEMBER THAT!

... AND THE DOLPHINS. The frozen snacks are actually for them as I am still not allowed solid food since my London radiation poisoni... my sushi food-poisoning incident... bad wasabi... and the activated charcoal keeps me regular. But the Dolphins love their food-sicles, and I an indulgent pod-mother, cannot help but spoil them a little...

But thank you so much for your warm welcome home. I have thought much of the Cube during my year-long sojourn and yearned to be back in the warm embrace of the party organ... the dolphins are like horny teenage boys but soooo coooold.

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:I kind of knew that Chistka Counselor wasn't coming back (his name popped up on the Suicide Holiday Greeting database).

Da, sadly there are those who cannot negotiate the emotional Road of Bones that is life outside the Cube and fall prey to the angst created by sole ownership of both one's possessions and mind, but we must remind ourselves that though they may have once been among us, they clearly were not OF us, or they would not have fallen. We must constantly remind ourselves when out in the wide world that the only korrekt justification for suicide is when we are no long able to contribute to the kollektive and so find ourselves a nice sunny ice flow (or mountain, should we be in SE Asia). What a glorious tribute to the commons, after giving one's life, to give one's life... makes me almost want to go and slit my own throat right now, but alas, the pod needs me and none of them have the opposable thumbs necessary to give Rat-Thing his twice-daily insulin injections... Ah well... one day.

I will do my best to live up to the expectations and look forward to you dropping by. I have just collected up a year's worth of newspapers and set them to ferment in the still... 48 hours and the first batch of 2007 Kanadistan Victory Vodka will be ready and then, frankly, the colour of your vacuum cleaner won't matter.

Uvidimsia,
S.M.O.

lol....yuk yuk

Sex with dolphins is not a bad idea; I mean we do defend them from the mean fascist tuna boats - you would think they could at least repay us in sex!?

It reeks in progress, we must legislate sex with dolphins IMMEDIATELY! Mmmm, Flipper...

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Sex with dolphins is not a bad idea; I mean we do defend them from the mean fascist tuna boats - you would think they could at least repay us in sex!?
It reeks in progress, we must legislate sex with dolphins IMMEDIATELY! Mmmm, Flipper...

Well... y'know, we Kanadjians started Greenpeaceniks... we've always had a soft spot (n-n-n-nuh-uh-uh-uh) for our warm-blooded brothers in water... and, honestly, they are like horny teenage boys...

pruning...
S.M.O.