A task force of Party Constitutional scholars led by Piers Morgan have discovered a long unnoticed typographical error in the Bill Of Rights. The misprint, which is in the so-called 2nd Amendment, will drastically alter the way everyone, from the Supreme Court to police departments, interpret the Constitution from here on in.
The error is thought to have been introduced by a rogue, proto-Nazi element amongst the founding white guys according to historian and ancient white guy expert Danny Glover. Glover says that the change was inserted surrepetitiously by the racist factions to "protect themselves from slave revolts and from uprisings by Native Americans.”
The task force of experts, culled from the media and entertainment industries, was assembled by the Party in an attempt to combat the rash of assault-weapon massacres instigated by pro-Romney reactionaries who are upset that Obama is giving poor people free health insurance. They were originally hoping to find some constitutional means by which the government could confiscate unnecessary guns. Their original efforts were directed at closely parsing the Free Cheese subsection of the Commerce Clause when the unanticipated discovery was made.
By sheer accident, the original source copy of the Bill of Rights was discovered in a box in a locked car in a Chicago parking lot, along with several million uncounted absentee Obama ballots from numerous swing states intended for the 2012 election. The copy is known to be the original because it was signed by ALL of the elite personalities of the time including Abraham Lincoln Jr. and Jimmy Hoffa. As you can see below, the unaltered, original text of the 2nd Amendment says something quite different than what we have been led to believe:
Independent historians confirm that the Founding Progressives were animal rights activists and are not surprised that they would insert an amendment of this nature into the Constitution. They believe the wording was changed when the slaveowners snuck into Ben Franklin's printing shop while he was out flying a kite. The simple transposition was quickly made, thus introducing the change into the hundreds of copies made by Franklin without anyone noticing. Without the expertise and skill of the media/entertainment elite task force, the truth would likely have never been discovered.
President Obama hailed the discovery as a victory over reactionary forces and vowed that his administration would immediately begin to sue to overturn any laws or court decisions which cited the incorrect 2nd Amendment wording.
US AG Eric Holder says the DOJ will not wait for the slow but predictable outcome of the legal mumbo-jumbo and has given orders empowering the immediate confiscation of all guns by law enforcement authorities so that they may be re-distributed to bears.
NYC Mayor Bloomberg is expected to annouce the formation of a new lobbying group, "Mayors Against Illegal Bear Costumes" shortly.
Spontaneous, non-astroturfed celebrations have broken out in newspaper and media offices across the country as common people like Joyce Carol Oates rejoice at the fact we will soon all be safe from violence at last.
Round-ups of known NRA members are expected to begin shortly.
1/19/2013, 5:47 pm
Red Square
And this is how conservatives interpret the origins of the Second Amendment. How absurd!
1/19/2013, 7:59 pm
Expel The Red States
It would have been just the same old noise if it were just Glover. After all Glover is a warmed over version of Belefonte....and Belefonte is in turn a warmed over version of Hero of the Soviet Union......Paul Robeson (Stalin Peace Prize (U.S.S.R.), 1952; Peace Medal (East Germany), 1960)
But other sphincter outlets have pushed the same talking point. The google hits this morning about Jefferson Stick Appreciation Day had three different spins against it including:
a) the SPLC's angle that it was a White supremeacist outfit that started the idea
b) Ho Puff's saying the anti 2nd Amendment forces were going to turn out
c) this is all about dissin MLK
