The People's Cube - Political Satire

By Igor Toutellalai, American Media Collective

The Obama Administration, in response to Republican alarmists worried that Social Security is insolvent and the increasing US deficit, has found that the rising tide of obesity in America will likely reduce the overall burden on the retirement system as obese Americans are likely to die 12 years earlier than the national average.

As the life expectancy of Americans decreases, so too will demands for pensions, which will not only save Social Security but nearly eliminate the government's future debt obligations.

“This is a mega-boon for the White House,” said Martin Findgold, budgetary analyst for the Center of Applied Obamanomics. “All we have to do is make sure that the Affordable Healthcare Act applies a conditional treatment program for Americans who abuse their bodies, and life expectancies will plunge. A 12-year decrease in pension and benefits obligations will balance the budget without any type of program cuts, just as the President has been insisting on.”

Actual measures to control lifestyle modification have failed miserably in polling, and so White House strategists are looking at the problem in an entirely new way. Rather than trying to get citizens to abandon their unhealthy lifestyles, the government may start encouraging citizens to do what they want in exchange for waiving their rights to medical treatment under Obamacare.

Following the newly-proposed Federal guidelines, cigarettes and food will carry new warnings not only about content, but also about the possibilities that consuming the particular item will result in an automatic disqualification from medical coverage under the Affordable Healthcare Act. Labels may also be used if the Administration decides that other risky behaviors, like extreme sports or firearms accidents, are also not covered.

“All of our polling suggests Americans want universal healthcare coverage for everyone, except those who don't deserve it,” said Findgold. “By using focus groups, the Department of Health and Human Services is pretty certain they can find out who the public doesn't want covered, and so the White House can reinterpret the Act in such a way that those undeserving people won't be treated.”

By withholding treatment, Findgold sees that public attitudes can help reduce the deficit alone, without the need for further legislation. He emphasized that it is all the more important to implement Obamacare as a cost-saving plan.

“We can see that by the President and the American people working together, without interference from Congress, the US deficit will be greatly reduced over the next 20 years,” Findgold said. “If we can get the lifespan of Americans down to the same rates as Haiti or Eritrea, we may actually see a budget surplus.”

First Lady Michelle Obama is reappraising her campaign for healthier food choices for Americans, and is looking at starting a new dietary campaign featuring high-fat foods and use of tobacco products. Findgold said he expects President Obama to be in full favor of such changes.


Faithfully submitted to the Collective of the People's Cube,
Comrade Nomenklatura-climber
Dialectical Progressivism Translator

“If we can get the lifespan of Americans down to the same rates as Haiti or Eritrea, we may see a budget surplus.”

- Center of Applied Obamanomics

You mean, if you're a screw-up you get rewarded by not being forced into ObamaCare? Ain't that always the way of it. The screw-ups get out of everything easy.

Not rewarded. it would be a reward if you didn't pay into the system in the first place. Because you have already paid in, you better get whatever you can from the system.

And to jump-start the program (if obesity does not work fast enough) DHS has a billion new bullets....

"Labels may also be used if the Administration decides that other risky behaviors, like extreme sports or firearms accidents, are also not covered."

Like voting Republican, which has been shown by media experts to cause gun ownership and pathologicial greed-induced anti-social behaviors (desiring lower taxes, wanting to spend their own money, etc) It's a sickness we haven't been able to cure so let's just eliminate it!

Since we're now told that obesity (but not Obeisance) shortens an obese person's lifespan by 12 years (ostensibly compelling us to now wage a war against Big Fat), and since the now-decades-old jihad against Big Tobacco rested on the premise that smoking shortened a person's lifespan by 10 years, and since it has long been known that a common cause of weight gain was cessation of smoking, then it seems reasonably clear that we could reduce the lifetime-shortening effects of obesity by 16.6% by enacting legislation requiring obese people to become chain-smokers.

Having launched the successful War Against Big Tobacco long ago, our success in that war has not only created a need for a war against one of its unintended consequences -- i.e., the proliferation of obesity -- it has also encouraged our wise leaders to launch an endless number of additional wars -- i.e., against Big Red Meat, Big Mayonaise, Big Potatoes, Big Bacon, Big Pork (except for Porkulus 2009 and new Porkuli to commence in 2013), Big Chicken, Big Eggs, Big French Fries, Big Sodas, Big Salt, Big Butter, Big Caffeine, Big Macs, -- everything Big except Big Government.

Our wise progressive leaders surely hope the term "Big" can never become a part of American voters' lexicon as an adjective to describe progressive government. Were that realization ever to dawn on their uninformed minds, there might arise a Let's-Put-Big-Government on a Diet movement or an Anti-Obese-Government movement. Such movement might even try to masqurade as a "Tea Party" movement.

Thus, to avoid the dangers of such subversive ideas becoming popular, we must never let the uninformed voters know about an insight recently quoted in American Thinker by someone we all know:

Though many of them may have seen this quote by C.S. Lewis, it is doubtful that their conditioned minds are capable of grasping its meaning: "Of all tyrannies, a tyranny sincerely exercised for the good of its victims may be the most oppressive... [T]hose who torment us for our own good will torment us without end for they do so with the approval of their own conscience."

--KOOK