7/16/2013, 6:38 pm
Attorney General and Chief Government Witch-Smeller Eric Holder today called for peace and calm in the wake of the utterly disappointing failure of the jury to convict George Zimmerman of murder or manslaughter solely on the technicality that there was no evidence that he had broken any laws.
"Fear Not!" he proclaimed in a mighty voice at a DOJ press conference this afternoon. "I am sent by the Mighty Obama to seek out the Unrighteous and smite the Unholy!"
Holder announced the creation of a special initiative to seek evidence supporting an indictment of George Zimmerman on federal charges of violating the civil right of Trayvon Martin to pound the head of any creepy-ass cracker on concrete.
DOJ Asks Civil Rights Groups, General Public For 'Tips' On Zimmerman
He called "upon the loyal, the pure, the righteous to rise up and report any possible evidence" supporting such a charge. "If we can prove that Zimmerman weighs the same as a duck, then he must be a witch, and then we may burn him."National Association for the Advancement of Collective Progressivism President Ben Jealous immediately responded by claiming Zimmerman had turned him into a newt, but noted that he "got better."
CNN Legal Analyst and Constitutional Scholar Candy Crowley pointed out that Holder's new program combined the enlightened aspects of 17th century witch trials and the caring compassion of the Spanish Inquisition, a perfect combination for a White Hispanic subject. "And since pogroms are not specifically mentioned in the Constitution, they must be perfectly legal, especially when directed at a single individual," Crowley said.
White House Spokesperson Jay Carney agreed with Crowley's analysis. "The Constitution gives very specific powers to Congress, the Judiciary and the President, but it doesn't say a thing about the Department of Justice targeting a single citizen, so I think we're all right here."
Carney was quick to add, however, that despite the likeness of Trayvon Martin to the President's imaginary son, President Obama would remain officially silent regarding calls for Zimmerman's persecution. "I think we can all agree that the President must be carefully insulated from any blame or blowback that might result from AG/CWS Holder's actions," he said, "as it might compromise his aura of god-like serenity and detract from his healing the racial divide forced on the nation by the GOP and George Bush."
And the Press Corps said "Amen."
