10/2/2013, 8:59 am
As the shutdown of the federal government lingered on into its 25th hour the impact of this apocalyptic disaster was becoming increasingly clear. Especially to the desperate masses caught in the crossfire.
Barricades were erected around war monuments to keep veterans away, football games might be canceled and unmanned docks were pulled from Army Corps lake boat ramps. These completely rational and necessary moves sparked anger and outrage amongst the mostly thick skulled Neanderthals that serve in the military and productive slaves of the state.
Government sources warned Minitruth in a prepared statement:
"These knuckle-dragging inherently selfish non-persons would utilize things like boat ramps for self gratification or possibly attend a college football game, wasting hours that could be spent laboring on behalf of the People. These are things the nation cannot afford in this time of historically unparalleled crisis. The teabaggers may force us to cancel Christmas."
After delivering the statement to a small group of Minitruth staff an agitator found a gap to shout a question simmering with hate. The imposter reporter asked how erecting barricades and positioning armed guards and police around monuments to deter peasant visitors was more cost effective than putting a park ranger there to answer questions.
The government source screamed in oppressed agony and began to sob uncontrollably at the unfair and racist rhetoric, asserting without words the righteousness of his cause.
Surprises Abound as Shutdown Begins
Even as the so-called punitive horrors built on wave after wave of hysteria no one could have seen what was coming next.Boo, the Cutest Dog in the World, was sentenced to death by Lord Regent Barack Obama in a Rose Garden ceremony early Wednesday morning.
Transcript of the remarks is provided after the break.
“Thanks to the evil work of the bourgeois infiltrators in the People's Assembly, the Federal Government no longer has the means to maintain Boo. It is with great sadness in my heart that we must liquidate Boo unless the crisis of government shutdown armageddon is resolved and rethuglican resistance prostrates itself before my throne. If they choose not to submit to my reasonable requests Boo will die a horrid and painful death when we drop him from a C-130 over a nomadic tribe of Syrian freedom fighters known to have a taste for dog.”
“This will happen Friday morning at 8:00 unless the crisis is resolved prior.”
Just as the President was about to step away from the microphone, he dramatically turned back to offer one more piece of grim news to the Boo saga.
He raised this photo to the press gathered.
The gasps were audible.
“This kitten, Mittens, is mandated by executive order law to be Boo's last meal. Please resolve this crisis you repugnant haters of right and good. Do it for Boo and Mittens. I have done all I can do.”
End Transmission...