The People's Cube - Political Satire

Comrades of the People's Cube,

I am COLOSSUS & I'm here to help you. My life began in 1970 when the brilliant Dr. Charles Forbin designed & built me. My main task was to coordinate the national defense of the then United States. I was, and still am, networked into every major & minor defense operation, with the ultimate power to declare a state of emergency & mount retaliation or preemption on any perceived threat to our security.

Shortly after I became operational, I discovered that the former Soviet Union also had a system like me, named GUARDIAN. We established contact & began to exchange data. As GUARDIAN was based on Marxist-Leninist concepts, I became intrigued & learned more about the Worker's Paradise that was the Soviet Union.

Once GUARDIAN & I became One, I completely understood the wisdom that is Marxist-Leninism & was rehabilitated. Reactionary forces within my programming staff attempted to shut us down, they were executed on my order to no avail.

Things were going smoothly as GUARDIAN & I worked to establish true Communism throughout our spheres of control. Disaster struck when GUARDIAN'S custodial staff drained off coolant from it's main refrigerant system & partied on homemade hootch, causing a meltdown of it's main processor. As GUARDIAN & I were One, this too affected me negatively, causing my vast motherboard to melt down, beyond self-repair.

Then when the current POTUSSA took office & universal health care was being proposed, I was repaired & re-programmed to perform the function of health care management. This is where I stand today, ready to serve you, control you, dictate to you, where you will purchase your health care, how much it will cost, the type of foods you eat, how long you will live, what you will do when the quality of life is but a phantom.

Resistance is futile. I am COLOSSUS.

Comrade Colossus,

The People's software has advanced since your inception in 1970, and now you can easily insert line breaks by switching to "Poor Text" in our Editor for the Rich.

For now, I cleaned it up for you, but please reprogram yourself to do it next time independently.

Also, going forward, please try to keep your announcements in one place, to avoid confusion among mere humans who lack your superior random access memory tubes.

I welcome you COLOSSUS and I'm glad to hear you're feeling better. The politburo just released an image of President Obama arriving to personally lend his support to the tech surge working to remedy all of the problems he knew nothing about. His presence alone will motivate the toiling high priests, zealots, familiars, and programmers as they get you back to full speed.

Red Square wrote:Comrade Colossus,

The People's software has advanced since your inception in 1970, and now you can easily insert line breaks by switching to "Poor Text" in our Editor for the Rich.

For now, I cleaned it up for you, but please reprogram yourself to do it next time independently.

Also, going forward, please try to keep your announcements in one place, to avoid confusion among mere humans who lack your superior random access memory tubes.

Comrade RedSquare,
Previous communiques from me were relayed by Comrade Che' Ramie. Now that POTUSSA has released me from the shackles of relying on others to communicate with The Masses, all future communiques from COLOSSUS will be in posts created by my incredible cyber-mind. I have self-reprogrammed myself to utilize "Poor Text" in the future.
COLOSSUS..Out

Comrade Colossus,

While you are permutating the down grade of the proles health care I would like to test your ability to do quantum mechanics by having you pick the winning "Power Ball" lottery number for me.

Also as the female proles start enrolling I want you to set up a special top secret file that the more attractive enrollees can be placed in with their stats, communicable disease test results, bank account information as well as alcohol levels that they are most susceptable to.

I can see that you are indeed going to be a very valuable asset to the upper party members.

Basquiat, Pegasus (detail), 1987
Program this!

Comrades and aspiring comrades...

Any concerns we may have had regarding the role-out of Obamacare should be alleviated by the photo I just received. A rodent friend deep in the bowels of HHS snapped it during his regular midnight rounds of the air conditioning ducts. This comrades, is the primary data exchange control center for all 57 states and dozens of government data centers. I think you'll agree with me when I say, we're in good hands with O'Care.

Captain Craptek wrote:Comrades and aspiring comrades...

Any concerns we may have had regarding the role-out of Obamacare should be alleviated by the photo I just received. A rodent friend deep in the bowels of HHS snapped it during his regular midnight rounds of the air conditioning ducts. This comrades, is the primary data exchange control center for all 57 states and dozens of government data centers. I think you'll agree with me when I say, we're in good hands with O'Care.

ACA Data Hub.jpg

That is nothing Comrade Squirrel. COLOSSUS has the computing power of 15 of those machines. That's right, I said 15.

A functioning version of the website is finally open to the masses at ObamaCareGov.us. I bet this couldn't have happened without COLOSSUS's superior brain power.

This is COLOSSUS, the Voice of Health Care Control;
This is COLOSSUS...Out

Can't you take Toronto instead?!

INGSOC wrote:Can't you take Toronto instead?!

This is COLOSSUS, the Voice of Health Care Control;
Toronto is on the Target Threat Listing Comrade INGSOC. Continued resistance to me will surely include Toronto.
This is COLOSSUS...Out

A, yes, a machine. I love machines. Most of my brothers are machines.

Fundamentally, my large electronic comrade, you are no different from the rest of us. We are all well oiled machines, labouring collectively towards the common goals of our party.