11/1/2013, 12:52 am
Some of you may not realize that the historic meeting was merely by chance. If not for the discovery of a single boney relic the glories of Next Tuesday™ might not have arrived in our lifetimes. I think this old 50's movie captures the essence of the tale most effectively.
The 1954 classic “Creature From the Black Lagoon” retold here for a modern Progressive audience:
Cast
Mark Williams (funding) Mark Zuckerberg
David Reed (agitator) Barry Soetoro
Kay Lawrence (David's goomah) May Putout
Edwin Thompson (press agent) Jay Carney
Lucas (boat capt) Harry Reid
The Creature - Valerie Jarrett
Craptek - Himself
Creature From the Black Lagoon
They travel aboard a broad-beam tramp steamer, the Moochelle, which is captained by a shifty eyed old codger named Lucas (Harry Reid). The expedition consists of David, Carl, Mark, and Reed's goomah, Kay Lawrence (May Putout), as well as a union press agent, Edwin Thompson (Jay Carney). Arriving at the camp, they discover Maia's entire expeditionary team has been mysteriously killed while he was away. Lucas suggests it was done by a jaguar, but the others are unsure. In fact, the camp had been attacked by a progressive, piscine humanoid - a living member of the same species from which the fossil originated.
Carl and David search the excavation where the hand was found but turn up nothing new. Mark is ready to give up the search when David suggests a theory. Perhaps thousands of years ago the part of the embankment containing the rest of the skeleton fell into the water and was washed down river - broken up by the current. Lucas says that the tributary empties into a lagoon. Lucas calls it the "Black Lagoon", a paradise which no one has ever actually reached. The team decides to risk it, unaware that the amphibious "Creature" that killed Carl's assistants earlier has been watching them. Taking notice of the beautiful Kay, it follows the Moochelle down river to the Black Lagoon. Once the expedition arrives, David and Mark go diving to collect fossils from the watery depths. After they return, Kay goes swimming and is stalked underwater by the Creature. The tranquil scene is suddenly disrupted by Craptek “The Wonder Squirrel” making his single cameo appearance water skiing past the half naked Kay and ogling Creature.
Kay spots the Creature and swims frantically to the boat. A struggle begins and the Creature claims the lives of Lucas's crew members before finally being captured and locked in a cage aboard the Moochelle. It escapes during the night and attacks Edwin as he plots his upcoming press briefing strategy . Kay hits the beast with a empty bottle of vodka, driving it off before it can kill Edwin. Following this incident David decides they should return to civilization, but as the Moochelle attempts to leave they discover the Creature has blocked the exit with logs.
While the others struggle to remove debris, Mark is mauled to death attempting to upload live shots to his Facebook page. The Creature then abducts Kay and takes her to his cavern lair. Unfortunately, the next scene was edited out of the U.S. version, and is available only to European audiences. Meanwhile, David, Lucas and Carl fight their way through the shallow marsh in an effort to save Kay. She is finally rescued and the Creature, riddled with bullets, is seen sinking slowly into the watery depths as Chicago, That Toddlin' Town blares over the scrolling credits.
