The People's Cube - Political Satire

Comrades! Much evil has been done by the NRA and gun-toting non-persons who seek to undermine the power and authority of The Party™. Indeed, reactionary scum have shot up malls and schools, in clear defiance of posted signs and laws prohibiting murder and weapon possession. The solution of course is simple, and will enhance state security.

All persons shopping at a mall must undergo a strict background check, be issued a shopping license, and demonstrate good cause for entering a mall.

Unlicensed persons will be refused entry to a mall, which will reduce crime, as only licensed shoppers will be inside the mall.

Children will be taken out of schools, and placed in high security education camps, where only authorized persons will be permitted entry and access to The Children™.

Parents who cannot secure a visitation permit will not be allowed access to their children until after they graduate.

These common-sense safety measures are needed to end all mall and school shootings across America. After all, if it saves just one life, it's worth it.

Oh, let's just shut down the malls altogether! Clearly they're dangerous places to be. Not to mention they encourage materialism, capitalism, and the idea that people should go out and buy stuff for themselves instead of relying on the government to give it to them.

Comrade, this is a sure-fire way to stop mall shootings.

A sign will surely stop a rampaging murder dead in their tracks – just watch and see:

Make your own Gun Free Zone
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ahgzcio ... detailpage

Comrade Sterpin, I have just ordered my new Gun Free Zone kit, and I feel safer already!

I do agree with Pinkie *ducks* and the Colonel, but why not be as safe and secure as possible WHEREVER we go?

And remember - it's getting harder and harder to tell who the "bad guys" are. In the mall shooting that just happened, the shooter would have looked like Comrade President B. Husseinovich Obama's son, if he had one! Now, if he had been the president's son, he wouldn't have needed a license to enter the mall, would he? He would have gotten right in!! But with you carrying your own, personal, Gun Free Zone, he would have had no choice but to shoot somebody else.

Comrade Colonel7.62 and Comrade Sterpin, I not only sent for my kit but had it SUPERSIZED!
Comrades, I am quite sure that bigger, Bolder Super Sized signs will send a message to anyone in my neighborhood to think twice before setting foot on my property. I can only hope that with the Progressive Senate and President to ensure proper checks and balances against the last two remaining Conservative Republicans left in Congress, we can finally send a message that just standing outside Gun-Free-Zones and firing into my property will not be tolerated. In fact I would suggest that Gun-Free-Zones should be expanded to ensure that all 57 States be part of the Gun-Free-Zones, bringing Harry Belafonte's dream of total equality throughout all 57 States a virtual Heaven On Earth! It would finally end this self inflicted madness!

When Dear Leader's Income Equality Program is achieved, we will no longer worry about security in such a bourgeois mall. All workers will shop at GUM for the good of the state. Comrade Lunchbucket Josef Bidens admonition to purchase shotguns was never made. All who speak this untruth are to be re-educated.

I think we should use bourgeois propaganda methods against capitalism! Remember those disgusting, decadent "I'm a Pepper" t-shirts from the 1970s? Let us use such social pressures against the minds of gunmen! Let us print and distribute "I'm Unarmed. Wouldn't You like to Be Unarmed, Too?" t-shirts to all households.

Then, when gunmen see these t-shirts, they will feel ostracized and out-of-place, causing them to disarm in order to conform!

DasVodkaVidanya wrote:I think we should use bourgeois propaganda methods against capitalism! Remember those disgusting, decadent "I'm a Pepper" t-shirts from the 1970s? Let us use such social pressures against the minds of gunmen! Let us print and distribute "I'm Unarmed. Wouldn't You like to Be Unarmed, Too?" t-shirts to all households.

Then, when gunmen see these t-shirts, they will feel ostracized and out-of-place, causing them to disarm in order to conform!

This is indeed a brilliant idea.

Just for future reference: do you prefer burial or cremation?

Comrade Col. 7.62 (x54R), I can not afford the time out from busily serving the people to go through a check every time I wish to go to the mall.

Would it be possible for me to spend some of the people's money for me to obtain the MASSASS (Mall Access Secret Security Affluent ShopperS) access card? I understand that the MASSASS card has the following benefits:

• No need to lick toad before entering
  
• Up to one shopping bag
  
• No need to show "Made in USA" label on underwear
  
• Identifying moles on bottom already in database

Comrades,

I have taken time from my busy schedule in the fields, to offer a simple solution to the issue at hand. By substituting a few letters and words, I have modified the instructions on an existing government website to serve our new purpose. i.e., shopping mall safety. This dual purpose use of existing infrastructure will save us the time and expense of building another agency, but allow the massive expansion of the existing one! Get it? Original document here




The SSA Pre✓™ application program is a DHS Trusted Shopper program. SSA began accepting SSA Pre✓™ applications on Wednesday, Dec. 4, 2013. SSA Pre✓™ allows pre-approved, low-risk shoppers the opportunity to apply for expedited screening at participating U.S. shopping malls.

An applicant must be a U.S. citizen, U.S. national or Lawful Permanent Resident (LPR) and cannot have been convicted of certain crimes. If an applicant has a record of any of the crimes identified in the eligibility requirements, they may choose not to apply, as the application fee is non-refundable.

Interested applicants must visit an enrollment center to provide biographic information that includes name, date of birth and address. An applicant will be fingerprinted and will be required to provide valid required identity and citizenship/immigration documentation. An applicant also has the option to pre-enroll online to provide basic information and make an appointment before visiting an enrollment center. There is a non-refundable application processing fee of $85.00.

After completing enrollment, successful applicants will receive a Known Shopper Number (KSN) via U.S. mail approximately 2-3 weeks following the visit to the application center. An applicant also may check status online by visiting https://universalenroll.dhs.gov/ and clicking on “Service Status.” The Known Shopper Number is valid for five years.

Once approved as eligible for SSA Pre✓™, the enrollee must enter the provided KSN in the ‘Known Shopper Number' field when booking shopping reservations in any of the nine participating shopping centers. The KSN also can be added when booking reservations online via a participating shopping center website, via phone call to the shopping reservation center, or with the shopping management company making reservations. Additionally, the KSN can be entered in participating shopping center frequent shopper profiles, where it will be stored for future reservations. Please make sure the name used when applying for the SSA Pre✓™ application program matches the name used when booking shopping trips.

Captain Craptek wrote: An applicant must be a U.S. citizen, U.S. national or Lawful Permanent Resident (LPR) and cannot have been convicted of certain crimes. If an applicant has a record of any of the crimes identified in the eligibility requirements, they may choose not to apply, as the application fee is non-refundable.

Interested applicants must visit an enrollment center to provide biographic information that includes name, date of birth and address. An applicant will be fingerprinted and will be required to provide valid required identity and citizenship/immigration documentation. An applicant also has the option to pre-enroll online to provide basic information and make an appointment before visiting an enrollment center. There is a non-refundable application processing fee of $85.00.

Oh, no! Shopper suppression! Shopper suppression!

RedDiaperette wrote:

Captain Craptek wrote: An applicant must be a U.S. citizen, U.S. national or Lawful Permanent Resident (LPR) and cannot have been convicted of certain crimes. If an applicant has a record of any of the crimes identified in the eligibility requirements, they may choose not to apply, as the application fee is non-refundable.

Interested applicants must visit an enrollment center to provide biographic information that includes name, date of birth and address. An applicant will be fingerprinted and will be required to provide valid required identity and citizenship/immigration documentation. An applicant also has the option to pre-enroll online to provide basic information and make an appointment before visiting an enrollment center. There is a non-refundable application processing fee of $85.00.

Oh, no! Shopper suppression! Shopper suppression!

Sorry, but if this screening saves one life it's worth doing. Remember, it's for The Children™