2/6/2014, 4:52 pm
2-27-15 Dear Comrade Diary, I have been liberated from the endless and soul-crushing (if I may coin a phrase) slave labor of employment! Thanks to the far-sighted and compassionate legislation handed down to us from Dear Leader, my employer can no longer afford to keep me full-time. Eat that, you capitalist, bourgeois profit-monger! Dear Leader has made it impossible for you to keep me, and now I am FREE – free to pursue my own life, my own goals, to remain on Facebook in my parents' basement indefinitely with no more concern for my healthcare. This is the greatest thing since the Emancipation Proclamation, but better because Dear Leader is the greatest president in all of American history.
5-11-15 Dear Comrade Diary, things get better and better every day. My bourgeois parents have been hoarding money all their lives. They call it saving, living within your means, investing responsibly, planning for the future, and even more nauseating things that I can't say without feeling my bag of Doritos coming back up. I prefer to think of their excess wealth as being wrung from the bleeding lips of widows and orphans. Why are there poor people in Guinea Bissau? Because, and I'm totally embarrassed to say this, of my parents. Well guess what happened to them? Dear Leader made them pay their fair share! Finally! They said they'll have to sell the house and start working part-time at Wal-Mart. It serves them right for living the high life in a sea of poverty. I bet it'll teach them some important lessons in responsibility and social consciousness. You rock, Dear Leader!
5-18-15 Dear Comrade Diary, I have to get used to a smaller room in our double wide. My parents insisted that I help them with moving what was left our possessions like I'm their slave or something. Well, I brought in my own computer and even plugged it into the wall. You'd think they'd be ever grateful for that, but apparently not. They say I sulk too much. Well, why shouldn't I? They didn't even keep the widescreen TV and our old entertainment center. Man, life sucks, but at least I have health care.
8-27-16 Dear Comrade Diary, my parents just got a letter from healthcare.gov, and their plan just got cancelled. It said they were too old and no longer needed access to health care since their lives were approaching "natural post-natal demise" anyway. I guess I'll miss them when their time comes, but it's only fair to the polar bears that there be less people to destroy the planet, and I'm ready to make any sacrifice to save the environment.
11-9-16 Dear Comrade Diary, Dear Leader just got elected to a third term! 98.4% of America voted him to victory over Republican extremist disabled minority kitten hating John Boehner. ABC News says he's the "first president to get 100% of Kenya's electoral votes since George Washington." I don't what electrical votes are or who George Washington is, but if he voted for Dear Leader he must be for the people.
9-14-17 Dear Comrade Diary, well this bites! My parents aren't around anymore, and I haven't worked in two and a half years, and I don't have any money, and now I'm being told to pay something called rent for the trailer. I live here! Why should I have to pay rent? It takes almost all of my welfare check just to eat four times a day. Well, I know Dear Leader will think of something.
11-12-17 Dear Comrade Diary, I knew Dear Leader would come through! Some men just showed up and told me to pack my things (and some warm clothing) because they were going to send me on a train ride. And the train ride is free! Hey, like that's no problem with me – I've earned it. Anyway, I'll make my next entry just as soon as I can get back to my computer.
And there you have it comrades. You and I will see the World of Next Tuesday™! It's hard to view this as any kind of disaster, if you ask me.
