The People's Cube - Political Satire

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Federal HHS Forces CW's Vampire Shows To Enroll In Obamacare - Production Costs Soar and Series Are Shut Down

Washington, Distrikt of Kolumbia (New England Journal of Medicine) - In a news conference today, Bonanza Productions Inc's executive producers Julie Plec, Gina Giralomo and Leslie Morganstein announced that production on the popular CW vampire shows, "The Originals" and "The Vampire Diaries" have been suspended indefinitely. Filmed in New Orleans, the two series pump tens of millions of dollars into the local economy and promote New Orleans tourism to the tune of hundreds of millions.

But outgoing HHS Secretary & Wiccan High Priestess Kathleen Sebelius served Bonanza Productions with a federal injunction, requiring that they enroll their vampires in Obamacare or be fined $992,763,258.13 in anticipation of uninsured healthcare costs stemming from the vampires' rampant blood-related health issues.

Sebelius said, "Let the word go forth this day that the people's justice was done here. No longer will citizen taxpayers be forced to pay for Klaus Mikaelson's high blood pressure or Rebekah Mikaelson's hepatitis-C or Marcel's sickle cell anemia or Elijah Mikaelson's HIV. Klaus will be forced to forego any saltyand/or spicy Cajun foods or risk imprisonment. If I see him in Drago's, Commander's Palace, Brennan's, Acme Oyster House or Voodoo BBQ one more time, his ass is mine."

New Orleans mayor, Democrat Mitch Landrieu promised to do all he could to obtain a waiver from HHS for Bonanza Productions so that the vampires could continue to run rampant in the city's French Quarter, sucking the life out of the city's tourists. "If this insane law is allowed to go unchecked, we will have to fall back on our city's criminals to rob, rape and kill in order to maintain full utilization of our tourist resources."

But Sebelius was quick to counter-attack against Mayor Landrieu's attempt to get his relative, Senator Mary "Louisiana Purchase" Landrieu (D-LA), to help the Crescent City. "Mary Landrieu is my bitch. Our Dear Leader and I forced her to knuckle under in 2010 and she'll bow down before me again any time I demand it," said Sebelius.

President Obama's response: "If you like your fangs, you can keep your fangs."

I thought Chronic Progressive Blood Sucking Syndrome (CPBSS) was considered a pre-existing condition under the ACA! Now HHS is telling us it isn't covered? Is Dear Leader aware of this, or is he waiting to hear the news on MSLSD's Larry Flint Show in order to maintain plausible deniability? Is this the real reason for Comrade Sub-bilious' sudden departure? So many questions, so few answers...tis a puzzlement indeed! Somebody ANSWER ME!

Captain Craptek wrote:I thought Chronic Progressive Blood Sucking Syndrome (CPBSS) was considered a pre-existing condition under the ACA! Now HHS is telling us it isn't covered? Is Dear Leader aware of this, or is he waiting to hear the news on MSLSD's Larry Flint Show in order to maintain plausible deniability? Is this the real reason for Comrade Sub-bilious' sudden departure? So many questions, so few answers...tis a puzzlement indeed! Somebody ANSWER ME!

Alas, I have no answers to these questions, but I have another question: What will happen when the demands of ACA conflict with those of ADA? (Perhaps another agency to sort out these conflicting claims? With high compensation for agency personnel? Once again I will selflessly volunteer to head this agency.)