5/18/2014, 3:42 pm
[img]/images/Jupiters_Red_Spot_Hashtag_Michelle.jpg[/img]
Comrades! We have a major crisis! It has come to my attention that Jupiter's giant red spot is shrinking! This incredible red spot is larger than Mother Earth, but if we don't do something NOW, it might become smaller than our moon - at which point Comrade Putin might want to colonize it.
It is obvious, comrades, that the giant red spot is shrinking because of Gaia/Mother Earth's collective carbon footprint. The fault lies not with Gaia, but with us, humans, whose energy use is creating problems out in the People's Solar System™ and causing all kinds of red spots to shrink.
Dear Leader simply must ban electricity by decree for all except a select few cronies. The use of cars, trucks, and all other gas or diesel powered engines must also be banned. Forget tolling interstate highways; just close them. All manufacturing must come to an end as well.
If Dear Leader is too soft and benevolent to just outright ban them, he can tax them into oblivion. He can then say "If you like your energy use, you can keep your energy use. Period." You just will have to pay through the nose for it, beyond what you already do. Dear Leader will put that money to good use flying around to every golf course in the country, flying to every climate change disruption global warming global cooling Jupiter's red spot shrinking whatever the Current Truth™ says it is conference, or simply going on vacation.
Comrades, saving the giant red spot requires shared sacrifice! Everyone must do their fair share! What would Jupiter look like without it? It would be so totally unrecognizable that someone might look out that way and say they discovered a new planet! We can't have that, comrades!
I realize Dear Leader is very busy with important priorities like campaigning for Senators, golf, parties with celebrities, bowing to fellow robots, making sure womyn get equal pay except in his cabinet and departments, ending racism, eliminating the gap between the rich and the poor, and many other things. But this must be his absolute top priority!
Should we start a foundation with highly paid prog executives to save the spot? We would need to apply for largesse a big government grant to do this. Where should we hold our parties? What about a change.org petition? What about the merchandising effort? Mailings to all the Peoples™ of the world? Mailings to "Current resident" on Mars and other planets?
How else can we waste spend money? Should we put checks in each mailing for $2.50 and ask that people return the check in the stamped envelope we provide and give us an even bigger donation? Should we hire a telemarketing firm to call people at dinner time and late at night to do a poll on the red spot like if they were even informed enough to know it exists and ask for donations to save it?
What other things would you tax or outright ban to save the giant red spot? Anything you don't like and want to stop The People™ from doing? Be creative. Remember, this is a historic opportunity we might not get again. "Never let a good crisis go to waste," to quote our dearest Comrade Rahmbo.
Just as a city uses the coming of the People's Olympics to waste a lot of money get a lot of projects done that they otherwise couldn't, we should do the same with the incredible shrinking red spot.
Comrades! We have a major crisis! It has come to my attention that Jupiter's giant red spot is shrinking! This incredible red spot is larger than Mother Earth, but if we don't do something NOW, it might become smaller than our moon - at which point Comrade Putin might want to colonize it.
It is obvious, comrades, that the giant red spot is shrinking because of Gaia/Mother Earth's collective carbon footprint. The fault lies not with Gaia, but with us, humans, whose energy use is creating problems out in the People's Solar System™ and causing all kinds of red spots to shrink.
Dear Leader simply must ban electricity by decree for all except a select few cronies. The use of cars, trucks, and all other gas or diesel powered engines must also be banned. Forget tolling interstate highways; just close them. All manufacturing must come to an end as well.
If Dear Leader is too soft and benevolent to just outright ban them, he can tax them into oblivion. He can then say "If you like your energy use, you can keep your energy use. Period." You just will have to pay through the nose for it, beyond what you already do. Dear Leader will put that money to good use flying around to every golf course in the country, flying to every climate change disruption global warming global cooling Jupiter's red spot shrinking whatever the Current Truth™ says it is conference, or simply going on vacation.
Comrades, saving the giant red spot requires shared sacrifice! Everyone must do their fair share! What would Jupiter look like without it? It would be so totally unrecognizable that someone might look out that way and say they discovered a new planet! We can't have that, comrades!
I realize Dear Leader is very busy with important priorities like campaigning for Senators, golf, parties with celebrities, bowing to fellow robots, making sure womyn get equal pay except in his cabinet and departments, ending racism, eliminating the gap between the rich and the poor, and many other things. But this must be his absolute top priority!
Should we start a foundation with highly paid prog executives to save the spot? We would need to apply for largesse a big government grant to do this. Where should we hold our parties? What about a change.org petition? What about the merchandising effort? Mailings to all the Peoples™ of the world? Mailings to "Current resident" on Mars and other planets?
How else can we waste spend money? Should we put checks in each mailing for $2.50 and ask that people return the check in the stamped envelope we provide and give us an even bigger donation? Should we hire a telemarketing firm to call people at dinner time and late at night to do a poll on the red spot like if they were even informed enough to know it exists and ask for donations to save it?
What other things would you tax or outright ban to save the giant red spot? Anything you don't like and want to stop The People™ from doing? Be creative. Remember, this is a historic opportunity we might not get again. "Never let a good crisis go to waste," to quote our dearest Comrade Rahmbo.
Just as a city uses the coming of the People's Olympics to waste a lot of money get a lot of projects done that they otherwise couldn't, we should do the same with the incredible shrinking red spot.
