7/29/2014, 9:05 pm
A display of Nothing next to the Ground Zero Cross just wasn't enough.
A judge informed the American Atheists that for their case against the Ground Zero Cross to go forward, they must explain why the cross infringes upon their non-religious non-beliefs. So they thought about it.
Then the American Atheists came to the conclusion that there must have been thousands of cross-shaped beams that held up the frame of the World Trade Towers; Cross shapes that were secretly hidden between floors by the Christian builders, without consulting members of the non-religious community.
What made the American Atheists feel especially insulted is that at least one of the crossbeams survived the 9/11 attacks, and was singled out for exposure, while their non-symbol of Nothing was never recognized.
The American Atheists asked, "If the cross survived, then didn't Nothing also survive? Nothing is all around us." But many people rejected this interpretation as unsubstantial. This angered the American Atheists, who are known to be a very tolerant bunch, except when folks disagree with them.
Image courtesy of Dracula (1931)
~For many, the cross symbolized survival in the midst of tragedy, but the American Atheists were upset that their Nothing didn't symbolize anything, and were resentful that they had Nothing to inspire them through the disaster.
Realizing that crossbeams comprise the architecture of almost every building on earth, the American Atheists shifted the focus of their non-religious crusade against "any two straight lines crossing anywhere" in building codes:
While the Ground Zero Cross represents many things to many people, we are concerned that some have attached their own personal religious significance to the cross, overshadowing any other secular meaning that may have arisen from it.
It is unfair to glorify a historical artifact, which to some resembles a symbol, representing the fabricated resurrection of a fictitious itinerant preacher, novelized through centuries by multiple authors. Many wonder why we are so uproarious over the symbolic equivalent of someone's interpretation of the Easter Bunny, but we also believe that the Easter Bunny is a secular icon of religious oppression of the non-religious.
Our laws guarantee that each citizen should be free from discrimination against their religious beliefs. While we are not religious, and we believe in Nothing, our non-religious non-beliefs still qualify for protection. We urge our lawmakers to assist us in standing up to this non-religious-religious persecution, and remove all crossbeams: Now."
In response to the American Atheists' contorted statement, the Unitarian Universalists made an attempt to mediate between the cross-supporters and the atheists.
The Unitarians hoped that the inclusion of all religious symbols in building codes would calm the American Atheists. This would lessen the proliferation of so many Christian symbols and make architecture more inclusive of all religions.
The Unitarians came up with this blueprint, depicting religious harmony in architecture, with the most offensive symbol appearing last:
The American Atheists were not impressed, saying, "There is no way to include atheists in these plans, since we don't have a symbol." They insisted that no religious symbol should ever occur in buildings, especially walls intersecting into floors or ceilings, forming cross shapes.
The American Atheists went to the nearest courthouse (their favorite taxpayer-funded stomping ground) and demanded that a contractor remove the crossbeams from the courthouse.
Then the courthouse collapsed. Somehow, the sculpture of the Ten Commandments survived, providing further Christian insult to atheist injury.
After the American Atheists discovered that most buildings could not exist without crossbeams, they scrambled to approve the following architectural design, which aligns with their non-beliefs:
This igloo is atheistically and aesthetically harmonious. It contains no two straight lines crossing anywhere (It also includes three bathrooms: Male, female and gender-neutral.)
Unfortunately for the American Atheists, the only place in America where igloos can exist are the wilds of Alaska, and only in the winter, leaving the American Atheists homeless for part of the year. This made the American Atheists feel as though they are being pushed to the fringes of society, furthering the discrimination against them.
After considering their plea, the judge told the American Atheists where to stick it, and is allowing the cross to stay at the 9/11 museum. The judge questioned the logic of the American Atheists, stating, "If God does not exist, and the cross means nothing, then isn't the Ground Zero Cross also a symbol of nothing, and therefore secular?"
The American Atheists were confused by the judge's ruling, but not deterred. They went on to say that they plan on pushing for removal of other crosses, such as crossword puzzles, crossbows, skull and crossbones, and motocross racing.
We await notification of any further real or imagined slights perceived by the American Atheists. In the meantime, tweet your congresspeople against the proliferation of #ArchitecturalPrejudice, today!
