The People's Cube - Political Satire

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Did you know that that anything bad that can happen to you, from hemorrhoids to tooth decay, can be blamed on global warming? Unfortunately, revisionists at Salon.com somehow think that this scientific fact is making global warmists, like themselves, look like idiots. Denying the settled science, they've "drawn the line" on climate change, disputing such an obvious fact that the Ebola virus was brought to us by global warming.

Climate change is not causing West Africa's Ebola outbreak. It sounds obvious, when you say it like that. And yet Emily Atkin of ThinkProgress, a news site usually dedicated to showing how climate change is impacting things, nonetheless found it necessary to call out some overzealous reporting on the matter.

Hold on there, says CNBC, so if it's not the primary cause, we'll keep it handy for a secondary, or tertiary cause.

Atkin calls out two pieces in particular: one in Newsweek, and another from CNBC. Both appear to have grabbed a pitch from the same nonprofit, EcoHealth Alliance, about how West Africa's Ebola outbreak can be tied to climate change. The first is mostly a bait-and-switch. It name-drops the two big buzzwords, “Ebola and climate change,” and then asks, “Are Humans Responsible for the Severity of the Current Outbreak?” But the article itself mostly focuses on that second question.

Denying the link between global warming and Ebola is even more incomprehensible considering that the progressive science has long ago established the fact that questioning any evidence of global warming can only come from teabaggers paid by the oil companies. Any accredited scientist knows that. Good luck getting anymore federal grants, douchebag.

The deniers at Salon then try to redeem themselves by saying that it's really the Republicans who are making all the outrageous global warming claims.

Perhaps it's because climate deniers, in their quest to debunk everything ever said about man-made global warming (starting, of course, with the fact that it's happening and that it's caused by human activity), are constantly accusing the media of doing this very thing: pushing a climate connection where it doesn't exist.

Let me be clear: global warming is happening and we need to do our part here at the Cube to warn people of the dangers of denying it. Our contribution is a handy chart above, as well as this color-coded system for determining the probability of a dangerous climate attack, the Climate Security Advisory.
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We've also created a "Climate Change Supercomputer" app for your cellphone, so no matter where you are and no matter what you're doing you can always know how much danger you are in. Just touch the screen with your finger, and the supercomputer will calculate the level of climate disruption based on the change in your aura.

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Coming soon: Climate Change mood ring.

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Ptui. We shouldn't be going to salons anyway. The Party will provide the regulation hair style we all should be sporting...short, flat and shaped like a bowl.

"Short, flat, and shaped like a bowl"

Ah yes, the favored tonsorial tool of Red Guards, the glorious Moe-Hawk.

CNBC is more aggressive, asking whether climate change is “key” to the outbreak and asserting, in its very first sentence, that climate change could make future Ebola outbreaks more frequent. It argues that changing weather patterns, by affecting the behavior of fruit bats, could be responsible for the severity of this outbreak."

It's extremely bigoted to blame the gay community for another plague outbreak. Changing weather patterns may effect the behaviour of fruitbats - they may go to salons more often or have more same sex marriages or wear even more colourful fashion - but I don't see a link between that and the spread of this year's horrific pandemic that will reqire us all to tape up our windows and doors. This is the same kind of bigotry that blamed the gay community for AIDS and led to the rise of lunatics like the Westboro Baptist Church. Everybody knows that AIDS was caused by Ronald Reagan. We still here about reporters having contact with congressional AIDS. Why must they hate?

Say what you will about the decadence of salons, sometimes People's Enforcers must get line-of-duty claw care.

Nevertheless, it is perhaps dangerous to minimize any attempts to show dangers of climate change. Why, I can see such change right outside my window. This morning, rain. This afternoon, no rain. But wind ... much wind! And look, the leaves on the trees! They have changed color! And the wind is blowing some of them down! Oh, no! The climate is changing! The leaves are falling! The sky is falling! Run and tell the King Dear Leader!...

You may have missed this, comrade RedD, but I've noticed, that since late June, the Sun has been rising and setting further south every day. The days have also been getting shorter. I've no idea what, exactly, this means, since I'm not granted large amounts of The People's™ money to have any ideas about what it means, but it sure seems to indicate a changing climate, to me.

Ivan Betinov wrote:"Short, flat, and shaped like a bowl"

Ah yes, the favored tonsorial tool of Red Guards, the glorious Moe-Hawk.

Ahem, I had to spend three years in Siberia for a viewing of one of the Howard Brothers movies.

Those three reaktionary dudes were too close to describing the mechanics of the Party Nomenclature.

Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:The Party will provide the regulation hair style we all should be sporting...short, flat and shaped like a bowl.

I think the comrade meant this:
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Red Square wrote:

Kelly Ivanovna/келя ивановна wrote:The Party will provide the regulation hair style we all should be sporting...short, flat and shaped like a bowl.

I think the comrade meant this:
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When they made me they broke the bowl, so they had to use a mold.

9-1-1 is the single emergency number, but it isn't fair to have just one number for all emergencies because, as we know, emergencies aren't all equal. I propose a second emergency number, a new one for the most likely and disastrous emergency, an imminent climate attack. To make it unforgettable it should be the letters B-H-O (2-4-6).

And remember, IF YOU FEEL SOMETHING, SAY SOMETHING.

Ah, I feel better already, but what about The Children™ ? We're already teaching them about the horrors of climate change. Why not take that a step further and make a special effort to protect them from these vicious climate attacks, with regular Climate Attack Drills in all our schools, K-Whatever, where each child (even the 26 year-olds), teacher, and principal must get under their desk and cover their head with their hands until the drill is over.

For climate change drills, would it not be better to have children fan themselves vigorously and/or wrap themselves in blankets, depending on which direction the change goes on a given day? Emergency packs, attached to desks, could contain fans and blankets, as well as blotting paper (for floods), water bottles (for drought), and so on.

President Clinton set the standard. He regularly had interns performing drills under his desk.

RedDiaperette wrote:For climate change drills, would it not be better to have children fan themselves vigorously and/or wrap themselves in blankets, depending on which direction the change goes on a given day? Emergency packs, attached to desks, could contain fans and blankets, as well as blotting paper (for floods), water bottles (for drought), and so on.

Good point, they might drown down there on the floor, unless...unless they're also made to don scuba equipment.

[color=#C0392B]Dedhedvedev[/color] inspired me to search the internet high and low when he wrote:When they made me they broke the bowl, so they had to use a mold.

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I am reasonably certain Julia said both of the following...

(...and yes I know... childish!)
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Dedhedvedev wrote:... the most likely and disastrous emergency, an eminent climate attack.

Is an eminent climate attack more respectable and trustworthy than an undereducated climate attack?

Lev Termen wrote:

Dedhedvedev wrote:... the most likely and disastrous emergency, an eminent climate attack.

Is an eminent climate attack more respectable and trustworthy than an undereducated climate attack?

Fixed!

Comrade Putout wrote:

[color=#C0392B]Dedhedvedev[/color] inspired me to search the internet high and low when he wrote:When they made me they broke the bowl, so they had to use a mold.

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I am reasonably certain Julia said both of the following...

More Graceful Ghost than Grateful Dead.

Dear Leader is demonstrating our solidarity with African nations by leaving our borders open. Their problem is our problem.
He is a wise man.