The People's Cube - Political Satire

Comrades, I know I should be satisfied with the great and glorious benefits Dear Leader provides via welfare and EBT cards. Dear Leader redistributes the wealth to give everyone a fair chance. He provides according to our needs.

But I was curious and began looking at jobs. I happened to come across a job for a Climate Justice Reporter. The applicant is required to provide a list of things they have done to fight climate change. Further down is a list is what I have done so far.

Comrades, in order to get that competitive edge, can you tell me what you have done to fight climate change? My philosophy is that we live in a collective known as the USSA and thus we don't own anything, not even our past "work experience". Therefore, I would like to plagiarize redistribute your work fighting climate change to my job application. If you want to apply as well, feel free to redistribute my work to your job application.

-- When the climate gets cold in late fall and winter, I put on a coat, long-sleeve shirt, long pants, and sometimes a hat. I put the heat on indoors.

-- When the climate gets hot in summer, I wear shorts and a t-shirt. I run the air conditioner inside.

-- In the winter when it's cold, I let my car idle a bit in the driveway before driving. This helps to fight the effects of climate change on my car. And with the heat going inside, it makes it toasty warm when I do start driving.

-- I order as much as I can online and have it delivered to my home. Otherwise, if I went to the store and bought it, my car would be emitting carbon.

-- I have vents in my attic. It redistributes the heat collected in my attic to the rest of the environment so people in Siberia can have some too. Oops, that would be adding to global warming.

-- I don't go to climate change hysteria rallies because my car would emit too much carbon going there.***

-- As much as it saddens me to not be in the presence of such a glorious being, if Dear Leader comes to town, I don't go to his rallies. This prevents my car from emitting too much carbon. The carbon I save will help offset the carbon emitted from Dear Leader's glorious plane for about 1/100 of a second.****

-- If I order pizza, I go there and pick it up myself. Usually, pizza delivery people have beat up old cars which would probably emit more carbon than mine.

-- I have discovered a way to harness the energy from when the wheels of Dear Leader's golf cart turn or when he swings his golf club. It's enough energy to power my city for the next 300 years. And Dear Leader still has over 2 glorious years of golf left!

-- I don't go to the doctor if I get sick because my ObamaCare deductible is way too high and wouldn't cover it in order to avoid spewing carbon in the environment from my car.

-- I don't fly on AirEbola Airlines to catch Obola when I know Dear Leader's glorious population reduction plan will allow me to get it right here in 21 days or so.

*** I forgot that although most driving causes carbon to spew into the environment, driving to a climate change hysteria rally or a Dear Leader rally is carbon neutral. No carbon emissions are spewed in those cases.

**** Dear Leader's plane is carbon neutral even though all other planes spew carbon, unless they are private jets owned by wealthy celebrities attending climate change conferences.

What I try to do to prevent climate change is....

I try not to get into arguments with people who are worried abut climate change. They seem to blow a lot of hot air.

I have my air conditioner on all the time now, because it's always 96 degrees in my apartment with the steam heat on (in some way, I figure one of us, my landlord or myself, must be doing the right thing).

I don't complain about winter weather. Ever. (This is a result of a prayer I made to V. Lenin in July of 1988, during an especially odd patch of Michigan drought. I swore I'd never complain about cold again. I've pretty much kept that promise so far.)

I avoid eating beans, cauliflower, and bran, thereby reducing the methane layer of the atmosphere.

I always dress in layers.

I turn my thermostat to 70 degrees, just like President Carter told us to. It doesn't do any good (see 2nd item on this list), but I always make sure it's on 70.

I wear my sunglasses at night. I don't know if it stops climate change, but it helps me keep track of the visions in my eyes.

I use things made out of recycled paper. I have a table composed entirely of Time magazine covers, for example. The three covering the top are especially helpful in reminding us of the earth's fragility. One says, "Greenhouse Gasses Cause Global Cooling." The second one warns about "Global Warming!" and the third, of course, reminds us of the dangers of "Climate Change!"

Vodka, and lots of it.

I'm looking forward to the arrival of winter, as I can limit air travel by redistribution of aircraft de-icing fluids from the aerodrome to the distillery behind tractor barn #2. If the aircraft can't fly because they are iced over and there's no way to clear them, those annoying greenhouse gasses won't be generated, and Comrade Krasnodar and I have a supply of materials to boost morale and productivity among the proles that have beets to trade

I sequester my exhalations, and flatulence, in plastic bags and send them to Dear Leader Obama for proper disposal.

I started a promotion for planting trees, recycling, hippies, live off the land, and a few other things, but this promotion needs funding to continue.

I do my part by raising awareness of how much I care. Raising awareness of how much I care is the biggest and most important thing I can or will ever do to save the planet and stop the effects of climate change, because without caring or awareness, no one will ever care enough to be aware of how important it is to raise awareness about the need to care.

Nothing is more important than raising awareness of how much we care about the need to call attention to the urgency of addressing the various ways we must come together to discuss what steps we should follow to motivate people into demanding that the world wake up to the fact that while there's not much time left, it's still not too late to save the planet if everyone takes action now.

Nothing…except continued funding to ensure that the ten years we have left to save the planet will always be all we have left!

Halliburton Global Octopus Unlimited Corporation greases the machine by laundering huge fortunes of cash to environmental front group NGOs that use the boodle to lie, protest, organize, fool, and lobby for more government graft. So far this scheme has worked on a scale unseen in human history.

Jeesh, that's an easy one! I just go out on my patio and breathe heavily on all my plants and tell them how much I love them. Done deal! My plants give back by growing up to be beautiful! Especially the tomatoes. Yum!

I fight climate change by hitting liberals over the head with a large rock when they whine at me about climate change.

I bulldoze shanty-towns in Detroit which allows lovely green plants to grow instead of human blight.

Battlebot Potemkin reminded me of the evil Dr. Klahn when he wrote:I bulldoze shanty-towns in Detroit which allows lovely green plants to grow instead of human blight.

oops - oh wait!
Renewable energydidn't work out so well for the protest after all.
Protesters showed up to march and stage a demonstration outside the offices of Madison Gas & Electric in Madison, Wisconsin last week. They were pushing back against a new rate structure change put in place by the energy provider which they claim was intended to act as a disincentive to the use of renewable energy. The marchers set up camp, and as part of a messaging campaign, they deployed a huge balloon in the shape of what they seem to imagine a coal fired power plant looks like. But the key part of the display was that the balloon would be inflated using solar and wind energy. (Actually it was a solar panel backed up by a couple of batteries which one protester claimed he charged using wind power the night before.)
A short time later, the message went a bit… limp.


A reporter on the scene asked what had gone amiss.

Reporter: The same protesters who opposed MG&E for not using more renewable energy admitted they would typically plug the fan into a gas powered generator, or into an outlet that would likely be powered by a reliable energy source like MG&E.
Protester 1: This is the first time we've ever done it this way.
Protester 2: We'd usually use generators or they'd hook it up to an electric outlet.

Here's the video. Enjoy.

LOL! These ideas are hilarious! Keep them coming! I really, really would like to "redistribute" a lot of them into a job application (especially raising awareness about how much I care about the situation.....ROFL, Commissarka Pinkie!) to see what kind of response I'd get. Unfortunately, the IP address would be logged and these kinds of people can be, uh, weird to say the least.

Chairman Meow wrote:I never flush.

Moi aussi. And as a bonus, unflushed clumping litter makes excellent bricks, pothole filler, pavement reinforcement, etc., thereby eliminating (ptui) carbon emissions of manufacturing such materials. The aroma also masks fumes spewed forth from (ptui again) SUVs and other noxious vehicles.

I use only "Clean" Warheads with my smart bombs.