The People's Cube - Political Satire

In the beginning of the world, there was the Cube. Every Muslim will tell you that, and we are not making this up. They call it Kabah, which is Arabic for "the Cube."

People from all corners of the earth gather to the Cube in Mecca for education and enlightenment. Only instead of rotating it like we do with the People's Cube, they run in circles around it, like the unionized electricians of a certain non-Muslim ethnic minority who rotate the stepladder while changing the light bulb.

Since the rest of the Islamic narrative about the Cube's origin is not in compliance with the Marxist theory of Historical Materialism, below is a korrekted version, developed by the scientists of the Karl Marx Treatment Center.

Adam, the first man to evolve from the ape, built the Cube as a symbol of equality, making sure that each side was equal to the next and painted with the same colorblind-friendly black pigment.

During the Great Flood the Cube sustained significant water damage. It was then further scrambled by Islamophobic non-unionized idolaters, but later unscrambled back by Abraham and Ishmael (the first Arab to evolve from the Jew™). Finally, Allah hired Mohammed to liberate the Cube from the unenlightened corporate rednecks and the white-collar Jews who inhabited Mecca.

Today 97 percent of scientists believe that the Cube did not acquire its cubic shape until the year A.D. 605 when Mohammed was 35 years old.

According to Historical Materialism, the original site was built some centuries earlier by non-Hispanic immigrants from Yemen, as an enclosure made of stacked rocks, so low that goats and immigrants could jump over them. In later centuries Arab scientists also invented a door.

In one corner, atop a pillar of rocks, was the Black Stone meteorite discovered by Arab scientists who believed it was a moon sample redistributed to them by the moon-person Hubal.

With time the walls and the door grew taller, and a statue of the moon-person Hubal was made with a grant from the National Endowment for the Arts.

After Muhammad revolutionized Mecca, he made the Cube central to the agitation and propaganda of his concept of equality, based particularly on his stunning capacity for getting even. The toiling masses no longer orbited the moon shrine in imitation of celestial objects, but as an educational experience teaching them the value of sameness represented by the equality of the Cube's squares.


Further reading:

• The Cube of Mecca and How it Got That Way
  
• It's All About Muhammad, A Biography of the World's Most Notorious Prophet
  
• www.itsallaboutmuhammad.com

In Mecca, Cube rotate you.

This article makes me feel exceedingly progressive. Oh, the rush! I need to sit down...

Evidence suggests that The Cube™ transcends time and space.

Glorious Incarnadine Trapezoid, The Peoples' Direktor!

First... Good news! I have finally escaped the from the so-called Ukrainian freedom fighters' prison, where I have been held prisoner for close to a year now. Those upstart rebels are insane, making me listen to Ukrainian folk music full blast (apparently they are not aware that dolphins sleep by shutting down one side of our brains at a time! Hah! But that infernal screeching was nonetheless annoying), feeding me nothing but a small diet of brynza and potato stuffed varenykys (for a country that includes so much about Carpathians, there's a distinct lack of anything resembling a carp, supposedly because they are now land-locked... psst!), and forcing me to endlessly open and re-organize matryoshka dolls as punishment for being a "spy for Putin", finding my clumsy flippers funny, apparently. But Aki found me and broke me out after completing our mission. Not nearly as bad as the Polonium-210 incident, but aggravating, nevertheless. I hope Chicken-Sushi has been diligent in her Housekeeping duties!

Red Square wrote:People from all corners of the earth gather to the Cube in Mecca for education and enlightenment. Only instead of rotating it like we do with the People's Cube, they run in circles around it, like the unionized electricians of a certain non-Muslim ethnic minority who rotate the stepladder while changing the light bulb.

I must say, this is quite a coup for The Glorious People's Cube, and a welcome piece of news to find upon my return! Though this bit about running in circles does remind me of that pernicious and politically incorrekt joke about how many militant feminists it takes to screw in a light-bulb. I hope none of our sisters are troubled by it. You know how bothersome it can be when they feel they have been insulted.

In any case, it is good to be back, and this certainly is wonderful news for the Cube. I don't understand why anyone would need stairs anyway.

Sharpening my shovel, and enjoying some well-earned sardines!
Sis
The Pod makes good its escape!

Welcome back, Sister! The Cube has been a mess without Housekeeping, Disappearances, Dissection, Composting, and Limo Service. And we don't even have a door!

P.S. You're right, stairs are overrated. Mother Square always told me I'd get in trouble for stairing.

Comrade Captain Squirrel!

It is true! Humans do appear to see what they wish or believe to be there (it is why non-human-persons such as Laika - first amongst us, Pup[PBUH], Squirrel [& presumably moose], Abe-Kitten, The Pod, and others, all have their uses for our beloved Cube), although I can't help but notice that whether Kabah, Cube, or Walnut... or is it badly pickled brain.. no matter... whichever, all seem to have a mysterious magnetic field around them...


I can only assume that the Cube's and Walnut/Brain's is circular because it is neither bipolar (which might make sense if it were a brain, though not our beloved Brain-In-Jar), nor north or south, but easterly in its orientation...

Glorious Incarnadine Trapezoid,

Thank you! As for doors, we have never needed them, as you have decreed them unnecessary, and if you say it is so, then it must be. You would not lie to us, your faithful servants and comrades, and so, just as Papa Theo could often be seen parading around in his invisible clothes (Meowsevitch was just nekked), and yet was never cold, so we are given entry into the Cube when our belief in the unnecessariness of doors becomes strong enough. I have always believed it to be a test.

As for Chicken-Sushi's housekeeping, any deficit is my fault, as I left explicit instructions that she give order of preference to preparing and maintaining necroproxies. If you thought dirty socks smelled... well... And what with the election less than two years away, and the wear and tear that always attends a non-incumbent race (unless O-Ba-Ma manages to figure out how to run more than twice in a row... and if anyone can... flippers crossed) requires that we rotate the necros as assiduously as we do the linens. I just did not expect to be waylaid by those mad Ukrainians (a tautology... ahh... I'm sorry... I miss Papa Theo, and am bereft at the belated news of Pupovich's passing... a great debater, debaucher, and defiler of fresh snow and fire-plugs, not to mention washroom-stall poet of some repute!) for quite so long, but with spring now officially here, we are energized, so please, everyone, put your laundry in your hampers, and pick up your Party™ approved reading materials off the floor to facilitate mopping and vacuuming.

Comrade Commissar Blog.. sorry.. al-Blogunov!

Mazel Tov! Though I must warn you, the females of the Housekeeping Pod will not don hijab nor niqab and most certainly not burqua to accommodate your sensibilities... They wreak havok with our blow-holes, so we'll come to some sort of arrangement so we don't do anything to offend (you can suck-it, in other words)... And again, congratulations on submitting to the will of The Cube, though why you had to convert to do that is still slightly confusing as I thought you already had submitted to the will of the Cube (especially after that time we picked you up without warning, kept you chained in a cell with no windows and only a bucket, and beat you with shovels... one of our best April Fools Day.. well... month.. jokes, and an oldie but a goodie, yes!), but whatever works for you, I guess, especially if it finally allowed you to find the door that isn't a door... tho again, I was pretty sure you knew where it was as you seemed to come and go at will, at least after we freed you... But then perhaps I was only seeing what I believed to be so, as Comrade Captain Craptek so insightfully pointed out.

Okilly dokillly... back to inspecting the Northern Bunker.
Sis

Comrades,

the power of the cube cannot be denied

Besides, it worked for the Borg





A perfected Progressive state

Neotrotsky was soooo korrekt when he wrote:
Comrades,

the power of the cube cannot be denied

Besides, it worked for the Borg

A perfected Progressive state

The Kabah? <spit>

They didn't build that.

ROFLMao! Brilliant! So many memes... So little space left in my walnut...

Thank you for reminding us all of our inherent failings. It must be done.

Comrade Sister who thinks she is a weaponized dolphin! Your fins, tail, blowhole, and other parts involved in housekeeping services shall be required at the People's Hospitality Committee that is now being formed to celebrate the 10th glorious anniversary of the Cube on April 1st.

The People's Cube forms Hospitality Committee

Red Square wrote:Comrade Sister who thinks she is a weaponized dolphin! Your fins, tail, blowhole, and other parts involved in housekeeping services shall be required at the People's Hospitality Committee that is now being formed to celebrate the 10th glorious anniversary of the Cube on April 1st.

The People's Cube forms Hospitality Committee

Hospitality_Dolphin.jpg

Rush has his dittoheads; we have our Cubeheads.

Sister Massively Opiated wrote:Comrade Commissar Blog.. sorry.. al-Blogunov!

Mazel Tov! Though I must warn you, the females of the Housekeeping Pod will not don hijab nor niqab and most certainly not burqua to accommodate your sensibilities... They wreak havok with our blow-holes, so we'll come to some sort of arrangement so we don't do anything to offend (you can suck-it, in other words)... And again, congratulations on submitting to the will of The Cube, though why you had to convert to do that is still slightly confusing as I thought you already had submitted to the will of the Cube (especially after that time we picked you up without warning, kept you chained in a cell with no windows and only a bucket, and beat you with shovels... one of our best April Fools Day.. well... month.. jokes, and an oldie but a goodie, yes!), but whatever works for you, I guess, especially if it finally allowed you to find the door that isn't a door... tho again, I was pretty sure you knew where it was as you seemed to come and go at will, at least after we freed you... But then perhaps I was only seeing what I believed to be so, as Comrade Captain Craptek so insightfully pointed out.

Okilly dokillly... back to inspecting the Northern Bunker.
Sis

Red Square wrote:Comrade Sister who thinks she is a weaponized dolphin! Your fins, tail, blowhole, and other parts involved in housekeeping services shall be required at the People's Hospitality Committee that is now being formed to celebrate the 10th glorious anniversary of the Cube on April 1st.

The People's Cube forms Hospitality Committee

Respectfully, Comrade Direktor Incarnadine Trapezoid...

"thinks"?... "thinks"!

I will be there with guns on!
Sis
Calibrating Targeting Lasers on Maneuvers

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:

Meanwhile, I have consulted the Hadith and there is no precedent in Sharia law for burkhas on dolphins as it serves no practical porpoise (Ha! Get it? Who says Muslims are humorless? Oh, that was a good one). Thus we add a fourth choice to the generous smorgasbord of options we grant infidels: Convert, exorbitant protection fees, death, and whether your pet dolphin should be covered. As you see, progressive is our middle name.

al-Blogunov,

Porpoises are just stunted, retarded dolphins (yet equal, as we all are)... But dolphins are never pets (though we do like a good belly rub). Either your Kaffiyah is too tight or too loose (and your brains are leaking out).. Please adjust it accordingly, as Housekeeping will be short-sheeting your bed, accordingly.

Kiss, Kiss (Bang, Bang)
Sis - Your Sweeping Sentient Cetacean
The Boss' Favourite Picture (he either likes my teeth or they freak him out.. can't remember which)

SMO, pay no attention to Blogunov....

He keeps bitterly clinging to his Korans and Scimitars, and the daytime fasting through Ramadan throws off his blood sugar.

He gets goofy, we toss him some dates and a schwarma, he comes back around...

(psst....Nobody told him Ramadan ended, it's keeping cashflow reasonable by not feeding him...)