The People's Cube - Political Satire

WASHINGTON (AP) - Today President Obama met with key security and defense officials, including DHS Secretary Johnson and NRA President James W. Porter II, in a new nationwide effort by the federal government to restrict all gun magazines to one round.

The One Round Initiative, endorsed by both House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi (D) and former DHS Secretary Janet Napolitano (D), will apply to all firearms in the United States, if passed.

A copy of the initiative, obtained via a Freedom of Information Act request, states that "All police forces shall be allocated federal funding to purchase equipment for the modification of firearms." It is also stated that "There shall be programs set in place for citizens to obtain modification kits that shall not require external equipment."

The One Round Initiative will require all gun manufacturers to modify their industrial equipment so that only one-round magazines may be made. All previously produced multiple-round magazines will be federally criminalized in all 50 states and U.S. Territories. The oversight of gun manufacturers will be handled by the Bureau of Alcohol, Tobacco, Firearms and Explosives, or ATF, and will cost an estimated $75 billion dollars per year.

Any firearms imported into the US or brought from other countries via a border checkpoint will be required to have a one-round magazine permanently installed before import or border crossing. The penalty for not complying with this law will be the confiscation of the firearm, which, in the case of border crossing, will be held at the border checkpoint until the person crosses back over the border. If delivered by mail, imported firearms will be mailed back to the company or sender.

White House Press Secretary Josh Earnest explained the President's decision by saying, "We want to make it more difficult for members of ISIL who may already be here in the United States to use firearms in mass-killings. The restriction will also reduce crime and the number of gun-related deaths in the United States."

Pennsylvania Representative and House Homeland Security Committee Member Scott Perry (R), told the press that he thinks this Initiative "is unconstitutional and an example of government overreach. Gun owners have the right to have as many rounds in a magazine as they want, especially if there is a chance they can stop a terrorist attack, while terrorists don't even need guns to blow stuff up."

President Obama plans to sign the Executive Order starting the One Round Initiative next month.

I have a shirt that says "happiness is a belt fed weapon", so these laws annoy me....however one has ways of getting around it. How else am I supposed to mow the damn grass?

OksanaTheTerrible wrote:I have a shirt that says "happiness is a belt fed weapon", so these laws annoy me....however one has ways of getting around it. How else am I supposed to mow the damn grass?

Oksasa, you really should be thinking out of the box (but not too far out) like a good revolutionary. Instead of Smith and Wesson, you should be using Briggs and Stratton.

OksanaTheTerrible wrote:I have a shirt that says "happiness is a belt fed weapon", so these laws annoy me....however one has ways of getting around it. How else am I supposed to mow the damn grass?

Such regulations are for the unwashed masses to follow and do not apply to Party elite operatives like ourselves, so pay no heed to ridiculous notions like this. However, if you are mowing your own grass, you are taking the job of an American-in-waiting, and should hire one of our future voters immediately.
HEIL HILLARY!

I am choosing to understand that by "magazine" they mean the print publication of the NRA and other such organizations. I will insure that I never place more than one round of drinks upon each such magazine. If they meant something else, they should have been more clear. That is my story and I am sticking with it.

This sounds reasonable to me, Comrade. You have to remember that Gun owners are traditionally irresponsible with an itchy trigger finger and can not be trusted.

It's simple, when the grass is good and dry you hit it a few times with said belt fed weapon then it usually catches on fire. After it burns enough of the grass, you put the fire out. Its like Jesus mows the lawn (son of God, not Amerikan in waiting). It took awhile to perfect things, especially since I'm surrounded by woods, but I'm getting really good at it!