8/11/2015, 6:13 pm
“The river was bright orange and loaded with toxic heavy metals when we got here,” said EPA Regional Administrator Shaun McGrath, looking down at his shoes. “We had just arrived to clean up an old mining operation when we received word that someone, probably teenagers, had dumped massive quantities of lead, mercury, arsenic and cadmium into the river,” murmured McGrath.
Reached for comment, EPA Administrator Gina McCarthy clarified that “Regional Administrator McGrath is an exemplary agent, and while I credit his quick thinking in bringing this matter to our attention, he is not authorized to speak on behalf of the EPA. Our preliminary investigation here in Washington has already determined that only a large corporation, not teenagers, would have access to the three million gallons of heavy metals that were dumped into the Animas River and are now contaminating the entire Colorado River system south of the spill.”
Colorado and New Mexico have already declared states of emergency in response to the senseless corporate destruction of the pristine river ecosystem, and California is awaiting guidance from the EPA on the spill's impact in that state.
“While I appreciate the states' concern, it was their failure to regulate the corporation, which EPA will identify, that caused this tragedy in the first place,” said McCarthy. “That is why EPA has been forced to assume control of the seven states served by the Colorado River watershed until we have eliminated every trace of pollutants.”
Walking briskly to the presidential limousine, President Obama waived off questions, muttering simply, “Din't do it.”
