1/15/2016, 9:19 pm
While other countries are still unsuccessfully attempting to breed the New Man by genetically modifying the human race, Barack Obama, after studying the human genome, has concluded that humans in their existing form lack many necessary qualifications.
Humans, as they exist today, have a number of uncorrectable shortcomings, starting with inefficient warm-blooded bodies that require food, clothes, and shelter, a high-maintenance diet, a breeding partner to procreate and raise offspring, and ending with insufficient number of arms, hands, and fingers, inferior mobility as bipeds, and - most importantly - ridiculously low amounts of blind loyalty and altruism.
To be in the forefront of this new frontier, scientists need to look beyond the human race and engineer the New Man by combining human genes with those of other mammals, birds, insects, crustaceans, and even viruses. While scientists predict that results will vary, political strategists are preparing contingency plans to make sure the public doesn't see anything remotely resembling the scenes from Alien Resurrection.
According to insiders, the experimental stage will include breeding such combination creatures as centaurs, satyrs, griffons, chimeras, and various other big and small anthropomorphic animals.
Making them equal to humans in self-awareness and reason, however, is not enough. They will also need to have souls - which in modern terms means they must be granted legal and human rights by the government, as well as equal protection under the Constitution as U.S. citizens.
The best way to accomplish that, in President Obama's experience, is to create a civil rights crisis: organize media reports about hate crimes and bullying caused by bias and xenophobia, have members of conservative and religious groups issue demeaning remarks and demands to stop the breeding project, stage an avalanche of media articles in support of the "underdog," give a tearful speech to the nation from the Oval Office, and, finally, have paid bloggers popularize YouTube videos with intolerably cute half-human kittens and puppies.
While none of this is out of Obama's sphere of expertise as president and ex-community organizer, time puts limitations on his ambitions. On the one hand, this plan can only succeed while he is still in office, which gives him a year; on the other hand, disclosing his plans prematurely may damage his approval ratings and jeopardize the project.
Experts believe that the best timing to start the new human/animal civil rights movement would be in the third week of July, during the 2016 Republican National Convention in Cleveland, Ohio.
