1/31/2016, 8:54 am
[img]/images/Fart_Cap_And_Trade.jpg[/img]
WASHINGTON DC - Little tiny instruments tucked in a small capsule can track how much gas you are producing, sending signals to a government agency tasked with tracking, measuring, and capping your release of greenhouse, or rather brownhouse gasses, to ensure a better future for our children.
The gas you have been so far uncontrollably releasing into the atmosphere can very likely be the cause of cataclysmic events that make nuclear winter look like a walk in a park. Until now your right to release the dangerous methane freely has been protected by the U.S. Constitution, just like your right to free speech and free enterprise, leading to a situation when citizens took for granted their habit to pass gas at will and without any government permission.
The threat of man-made global climate change, however, makes such wanton behavior no longer acceptable. With this in mind, a new regulatory agency, Flatulence Directorate within the EPA, was created with the purpose of measuring all human flatulence generated within the borders of the continental United States, Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the Virgin Islands, in order to put these emissions under control of the federal government.
Government scientists believe that we can effectively fight climate change by creating incentives for all American citizens to lower their individual methane emissions though a fair "cap and trade" system, whereby those unwilling to control their individual gasses will be taxed in proportion to their emissions, and any money that remains after covering the Flatulence Directorate's operating expenses, will be redistributed to the less flatulent citizens, thus encouraging their exemplary low-flatulence behavior.
WASHINGTON DC - Little tiny instruments tucked in a small capsule can track how much gas you are producing, sending signals to a government agency tasked with tracking, measuring, and capping your release of greenhouse, or rather brownhouse gasses, to ensure a better future for our children.
The gas you have been so far uncontrollably releasing into the atmosphere can very likely be the cause of cataclysmic events that make nuclear winter look like a walk in a park. Until now your right to release the dangerous methane freely has been protected by the U.S. Constitution, just like your right to free speech and free enterprise, leading to a situation when citizens took for granted their habit to pass gas at will and without any government permission.
The threat of man-made global climate change, however, makes such wanton behavior no longer acceptable. With this in mind, a new regulatory agency, Flatulence Directorate within the EPA, was created with the purpose of measuring all human flatulence generated within the borders of the continental United States, Alaska, Hawaii, Puerto Rico, Guam, and the Virgin Islands, in order to put these emissions under control of the federal government.
Government scientists believe that we can effectively fight climate change by creating incentives for all American citizens to lower their individual methane emissions though a fair "cap and trade" system, whereby those unwilling to control their individual gasses will be taxed in proportion to their emissions, and any money that remains after covering the Flatulence Directorate's operating expenses, will be redistributed to the less flatulent citizens, thus encouraging their exemplary low-flatulence behavior.
(p.s.: nitty-gritty=truth)