3/20/2016, 10:56 pm
Red Square wrote:Comrade Stierlitz - the "other" wild party-approved videos were previously distributed on an need-to-see basis through the network of Party Pleasure Palaces managed by Marshal Pupovich, who is now deceased. As our inspection has later discovered, no paperwork existed that made sense, and the double bookkeeping seem to have siphoned all the revenues to multiple bank accounts that have since been closed.
Long story short, the Party Pleasure Palace program was suspended pending a government bailout. We argued that it was "too big to fail," but the Republican obstructionists in Congress threw it out of the stimulus package. It is now scheduled for sequester.
If you like, the Party can appoint you Marshal Pupovich's successor in charge of Party Pleasure Palaces if you can pull enough strings to revive this important program (kickbacks to be discussed separately and without witnesses).
A MODEST PROPOSAL
FOR THE ALLOCATION OF RESOURCES
TO BE USED FOR THE RECONSTRUCTION
OF PARTY-APPROVED KOMMISSARIAL
EROTIC ENTERTAINMENT VENUES
I have submitted this proposal to the Party and to the State in efforts to not only return a once-admired aspect of Kommisarial life to our beloved Kommissars, but also to mourn and avenge the death of His Excellency Komrade Marshal Pupovich. Mr. Pupovich, as you may recall, once headed the Board of Erotic Entertainment and was the Direktor of the now-disbanded Commission on Erotic Entertainment Venues. There is currently no head to the BEE, and if my proposal were to be accepted I expect to have this position and a rank of Marshal to be bestowed upon me as soon as the medals, certificates, and nametags can be made.
I have found from my own data and the research of the National Association of Debonair Sheilas, or NADS, that there currently exist 32 brothels, 45 whorehouses, 345 gentleman's clubs, and 104 seedy venues in our Glorious People's Republic. Due to there being no direction to the BEE, all but 15 of these organizations remain untaxed. Undercover operations by private investigators have also found that 82.5 percent of the people who work at these venues have sought tax-free status through various criminal organizations or by storing their monies in offshore accounts. My calculations show that over 6 trillion roubles are lost to this criminal behavior.
I propose a three-prong approach to this current problem. The first prong being construction, the second one being destruction, and the third one being incarceration.
We shall construct new, clean, safe, camera-monitored Erotic Entertainment Venues to be enjoyed not only by Kommissars, but by regular old Proles and Peasants as well. Our EEV's would be made of concrete and would take up a half of a city block. There will be two sections, prole and Kommissar-only. The prole entrance shall remain guarded by policemen, whereas the Kommissar entrance will be guarded with Military Police and a proof of Kommissarship must be presented. Those attempting to gain entry without or with forged proofs will be shot on sight. Those who manage to escape the MP's at the door will be found and inducted into the GULAG system for life. The cost for the construction of a single EEV will be 5,000 roubles, and the annual running cost will be 100 roubles. I propose the construction of 1,000,000 EEV's across the nation, which will cost 5bil Roubles and whose running costs will be 100mil Roubles. I intend for the costs of construction to come out of the Ration account, which will only result in a 45.5 percent reduction in rations to the average Prole for just five years, and for the running costs to be paid for by taxes levied at the EEV's during the rental of a Intercourse Specialist. Management and oversight of these EEV's will be undertaken by committees set up in each Oblast who will file annual reports with the BEE.
We shall destroy the old ones by artillery fire. We currently have a training deficit in our People's Army in artillery weapons, even moreso with long-range and air-to-ground artillery. I believe that this is simply because we have only been involved in urban engagements in protests and because we haven't done anything out in the more rural areas of the country where the Secret Police takes care of all matters that would require military attention. We simply haven't had the chance to use our artillery. Under my plan, we would use these filthy houses of degeneration as practice targets for our artillery. This would not only get rid of the unapproved venues, I predict that it would result in an 850 percent improvement in our People's Army's artillery-related abilities. Furthermore, I would work with the PA to introduce new artillery training programs into the PA so that we could become an even more unstoppable force than we are now.
We shall incarcerate the proprietors and sex workers of these venues and incarcerate any future proprietors or workers. First-offenders who are sex workers would simply be put into prisons, whereas repeat offenders who work in unapproved venues after release from prison would be inducted into the GULAG system for a period of 10 to 45 years. Former workers would be barred from entry into state-approved Erotic Entertainment Venues and would be required to wear Hijabs inside of and within 500 yards of any government building. Proprietors of unapproved venues would be inducted into the GULAG system at a rate of 5 years per sex worker, or 10 years per thousand Roubles, whichever is higher. Sex workers currently in the act at the time of military police raids on unapproved venues will be tossed out the window and shoved into a 55 foot trailer filled with tear gas for six hours. They would also be inducted into the GULAG system for six months and then would serve their prescribed sentence as stated above.
Taxation would be levied towards those who visit EEV's. They will be taxed at a rate of one percent of income for each rental of an Intercourse Specialist. They may choose to pay the tax at the point of rental, or they may choose to have it levied towards them during their annual payment of tax. If they refuse to accept the tax, their quota will be increased so that they will produce an equivalent value of goods to offset their refusal. Kommissars will be exempt from all taxation. I believe that we can generate up to ten billion roubles from taxes of this kind.
My analyses forecast a general public morale increase of 500 percent, and a one million percent morale increase in the National Kommissariate. These increases are expected to reduce the amount of violent crime by 56%, reduce thefts by 32%, and reduce tax delinquency by 99%. Productivity increases of 69% are expected as well. Furthermore, public opinion of the current government and the People's Direktor is expected to rise by one-thousand percent.
With all facts stated, I hope that my proposal may be accepted by the Central Committee and that we may begin to build a better, safer, more peaceful People's Republic.
Signed,
Comrade Stierlitz
