The People's Cube - Political Satire

Forget Brangelina and Bennifer! A new beautiful and inspiring international celebrity supercouple is sweeping American and Canadian fans off their feet - and they are none other than Barack Obama and Justin Trudeau, collectively known as Jubarack - or is it Barastin? Trubama or Obadeau? You tell us!


The first time they spotted each other across the room, it was electric. They met at a photo shoot during a Climate Change charitable junket in Ottawa, and they haven't parted since!

Wouldn't you want to be a fly on the wall to hear their sweet, hot whisperings? We've got the Hollywood-style highlights for you.


"Hey, you can slip a mickey in my drink any night, big boy!"


"Does my breath smell like last night?"


"No, don't tell the wife and kids right away, let's keep the magic going for as long as possible."


"Your profile looks so presidential!"
"No, yours does!"
"No, yours does!"
"No, yours does!"
"No, yours does!"


"So which American bakery will we force by legal injunction to bake our cake?"


The newlyweds.


Their first dance.

* * *

Can't stay up-to-date on every breaking celeb news story? We also offer year's end roundups of celebrity scandals, red carpet fashion, blockbuster movie and TV trivia, previews of new releases, and more!

!!!STIERLITZ EXCLUSIVE!!!

I have obtained from an anonymous source a copy of the song that the newlywed couple played for their first dance. I am told from the anonymous source that they picked the song out together in a candlelit Oval Office over some White Zinfadel. This is a Stierlitz Exclusive that you can't get anywhere else!

I am running with scissors.
I am not getting down from 'there' before I break my neck.
I am climbing over this railing at the Zoo to hug that lion.
I am making this face, so when someone slaps me on the back, it'll stick.
I am just doing my insulin shot but I'm not diabetic.
I am juggling chainsaws.
I am super-gluing my eyes open, and my nostrils and mouth shut.
I am taking all the batteries out of my smoke detectors.
I am using jacketed ammo at an indoor range, and leaving off my eye and ear protection.
I am purposely tripping at the top of the stairs, by accident.
I am sticking my fingers in IT while it's running.
I am sticking this fork in my eye.
I am not looking either way before crossing, mid-block.
I am plugging everything into a tangle of un-rated Taiwanese power bars.
I am standing up in this canoe and rocking it back and forth.
I am falling asleep after drinking a mickey of vodka and leaving candles burning.
I am licking a frozen flagpole.
I am slipping in the bathtub because I'm not paying attention.
I am slicing towards myself.
I am walking under that ladder.
I am sticking a knife in the toaster.
I am giving my cat a bath by licking it.
I am switching all my "Wet Ones" to Lysol wipes.
I am turning up my car radio full blast and texting, while driving with my knees.
I am standing under the only tree for miles, during a thunderstorm, holding a metal rod.
I am skiing off the trail.
I am poking a vicious dog with a stick.
I am sticking a screwdriver in that outlet.
I am wearing long loose sleeves and heating something up on the stove.
I am not wearing a life jacket.
I am twirling a loaded hand gun around with my finger in the trigger guard, and the safety off.
I am not buckling up my seat belt.
I am ignoring that yellow sign that says 'Wet Floors'.
I am getting out of my car to feed the bears.
I am bouncing against this wobbly railing.
I am jumping into the river just above the falls.
I am swallowing a chicken bone.
I am cleaning my contact lenses with Windex.
I am filling up my car with gas, and leaving it running in the garage with the door closed.
I am riding my bike without a helmet, on the freeway.
I am disabling the brake on my lawnmower, tying it to a tree, and sleeping against the trunk.
I am skating on thin ice.
I am using my power drill to perform self-trepannation.
I am stabbing myself repeatedly with a rusty nail and my tetanus shot is out of date.
I am eating the whole thing.
I am putting a pillow case on my head and walking on the train tracks.
I am jacking my car up on the wrong place on the frame, and napping under it.
I am giving myself electro-convulsive therapy.
I am crossing my arms as I use this radial arm saw.
I am doing an experiment with caustic shit and not wearing eye protection.
I am picking up a full-grown raccoon and trying to kiss it.
I am walking through a mine field.
I am yelling 'fire' in a crowded theatre while lying across the emergency exit.
I am hammering together a book shelf and looking anywhere but at it or my hand.
I am rolling around in razor wire.
I am telling some skinheads I am licensed to marry same-sex couples in a Jewish ceremony.
I am measuring once and cutting twice.
I am pepper-spraying myself in the face, then tasering myself to distract me from the burning.
I am trying out a defibrillator on myself even though my heart is just fine, for now.
I am driving on a busy street, but covering my eyes with both hands.
I am doing my whites, and giving in before I even start, by putting a red sock in with them
I am climbing a big cliff-face with frayed ropes, and unrated carabiners.
I am putting tinfoil and raw eggs in the microwave.
I am driving as if Red=Go, Green=Stop, and randomly, Yellow=Slam On the Brakes, or Gun It.
I am knocking down a wasps' nest and I'm allergic to them.
I am deep frying a turkey, inside.
I am opening an entire 'two-four', one after another with my teeth.
I am hosing myself down and throwing myself against an electric fence.
I am disabling the safety on this nail gun and dropping it on my foot.
I am switching all the labels on my medications, arbitrarily.
I am barely tasting it, even though there are starving children in Africa.
I am tattooing my face without using a mirror.
I am licking a Malian fruit bat.
I am putting a plastic bag over my head and then taking a nap.
I am picking a bunch of mushrooms I don't know about and eating them for dinner.
I am sneaking into a hospital and taking more x-rays than I should get in a lifetime.
I am putting a bag of flaming dog shit on my neighbours' doorstep, knocking, waiting for them to answer, and I'm in my apartment building.

I AM CANADIAN!!! JE SUIS CANADIENNE!!!
... and I'm screwed

Thank you, Sister, for this perfect to-do list. I call it Golden Rules for living in the Glorious World of Next Tuesday.

My Pleasure, Glorious Direktor,

If anyone is confused by the mechanics of the lawnmower tied to the tree, just PM me. It's a hard thing to describe in one sentence, but like setting dog poop on fire in your own apartment building, no matter how far away it is from your own unit, it's really not a good idea to hang around... either waiting for your neighbours to answer, or in the case of the lawnmower, to slowly bind you to the tree as you nap and eventually take off a foot, or whatever... But it's not a bad trick if you hate mowing the lawn. Just don't sit under the same tree you tie the mower to.

Also, since I started to think about that whole "reasonable person" thing, don't cross your arms when using a radial arm saw... just because the words 'arm' and 'saw' are in the name, doesn't mean it's made for cutting off your own arm... necessarily. I guess I should have put a disclaimer in there somewhere.

Sister Massively Opiated wrote:My Pleasure, Glorious Direktor,

If anyone is confused by the mechanics of the lawnmower tied to the tree, just PM me. It's a hard thing to describe in one sentence, but like setting dog poop on fire in your own apartment building, no matter how far away it is from your own unit, it's really not a good idea to hang around... either waiting for your neighbours to answer, or in the case of the lawnmower, to slowly bind you to the tree as you nap and eventually take off a foot, or whatever... But it's not a bad trick if you hate mowing the lawn. Just don't sit under the same tree you tie the mower to.

Also, since I started to think about that whole "reasonable person" thing, don't cross your arms when using a radial arm saw... just because the words 'arm' and 'saw' are in the name, doesn't mean it's made for cutting off your own arm... necessarily. I guess I should have put a disclaimer in there somewhere.

SMO, Red Green offers a very nice demonstration of your tree idea. Except you can use it to fill your quota while you're sitting inside with a bottle of beet vodka!



PS- I'm liking the new look SMO!

Thank You Comrade Stierlitz,

I also like my new avatar very much. It was a gift from our Glorious Incarnadine Trapezoid. I am quite taken with the AK he put in my flippers, not to mention the hibiscus flower he put in... well, that he put on me. I think he's portrayed me as rather flirty, yet deadly, which I appreciate, because he really does know me well. But mostly, it is a great honour for Housekeeping to receive an updated logo. I also think he may have done it because I have been somewhat absent from the public face of the Cube for a while, and there are so many new members who don't know I'm a dolphin, and might find it confusing when I post certain things. That said, I did promise that I would write an autobiography of the Pod's and my history on the Cube, to explain to newer members how we came to join our beloved home, and why, precisely, I'm a freaking Navy-trained, weapons-ready cetacean, with an entire Pod of stealthy killer dolphins at my Kommissariate's disposal... and the sooner I get around to doing that, the happier he will be, I suspect. I just have to find the time.

And yes! Red Green is a national Kanadistanjian hero. He has given us myriad ways to employ duct tape, and his television show, although long off the air, is still paying big dividends for the 3M Corporation. I did not realize there was a video of him auto-mowing, but thank you for posting it. It is a time-saver, but as with crossing one's arms when using a radial arm saw... holding a piece of two-by-four or whatever, against the block with one's right hand to the left of the saw, while pulling the saw toward oneself with the left, falls under Darwinian Life Hacks, as it were... or, I suppose, slices, to me more accurate... But as with the radial arm saw metaphor, if one is going to auto-mow one's lawn, and sit under a tree and enjoy a cold brew, or as you suggested, our own Victory Vodka, no matter what we happen to have used to make it at any specific point in time (beets... old newspapers... food detritus not fit for pigs... and even a little ergot-infected rye, if we happen to have some about... which is what randomly causes it to be psychoactive), one should remember to sit under a tree that is not the tree to which one ties the mower, or even one close to it, although that would be dumb too, since that tree would stop the mower...

Thank you again for posting the video, and Thank You again to our Glorious Direktor, for our beautiful new avatar!
Sis

Sister Massively Opiated wrote:Thank You Comrade Stierlitz,

...And yes! Red Green is a national Kanadistanjian hero. He has given us myriad ways to employ duct tape, and his television show, although long off the air, is still paying big dividends for the 3M Corporation...

Thank you again for posting the video, and Thank You again to our Glorious Direktor, for our beautiful new avatar!
Sis

You're Welcome!

I do agree that Red Green is a great guy. I like to say that him and Rush were Canada apologizing in advance for Justin Bieber. And dammit if he hasn't clued me in on the vast array of uses of the handyman's secret weapon. He's also the only guy who's put his entire show on Youtube to watch for free, 99% of the shows will hassle you and even get your account deleted you even put up fragments of their shows.

Also, thanks for the update on your gift from the Perfect Polygon. From your old one I would've guessed you were a broom, but now it's plain to see that you're a dolphin with an AK-47 and a penchant for flowers.

Okay... for Comrade Stierlitz and anyone else who is interested... a few stories and reminiscences, with some information, helpful and otherwise, but I hope at least a little entertaining... This is Off-Topic a little, so just ignore it if you're not interested, as it really has nothing to do with Trubama, except insofar as it relates in some respects, to Kanadistan, and the Pod's northerly home away from home... far away enough that some of our mad experiments and inventions won't cause any problems for our Beloved Cube... Although some of our patents have been good earners for the cause, but are in no way remotely Kapitalist...

I couldn't find any signage in the clipart that specifically said "Off Topic", so I'll just put this up, cuz it's cute, and I like polar bears... from a distance... cuz only that Chinese git who decided to climb the barrier at the Beijing Zoo and hug a male adult Panda would think hugging a polar bear was a good idea... if he wasn't missing his arms....
So, in lieu of the owed autobiography, and only just for the time being... The broom... Back in 2007, I believe (I'm pretty sure it was before I landed in hospital - which I must say, was made a great deal easier by my fellow Cube members. If anyone wonders how close we can become, they have only to think of me, because I was surrounded by cards and gifts and artwork from so many Cube Members, I was overwhelmed, and the support I received from everyone was simply incredible.), I'd been looking for historical pictures of Laika to come up with an updated avatar for him (I have real graphics programmes on another computer - although my drawing tablet has gone kaput - that I'm having trouble sitting at right now cuz it's a desktop computer, but I used to do a lot of graphics and even coding) and I threw a few rough ideas together and sent them to Laika and our Glorious Roseate Peoples' Direktor, and he cleaned up the favourite... and we were talking about an official avatar for Housekeeping, rather than my old one which was just the picture from my official security pass, and I'm smiling in it, and my zipper teeth kinda freak out our Glorious Leader, for some reason, so... The Broom... during a late night online gab session which included some online drinking games, the broom and sickle was something I threw together really quickly and kind of as a joke when the Kommissariate of Housekeeping was officially founded, and it tickled our Glorious Director... not the broom itself, but the idea, and so we were gifted with our first official signage for the Kommisariate... The motto, "I sweep dead people," was similarly an off-the-cuff joke I made about being in charge of the necro-proxy programme, just before the election...

If I remember correctly, I was distracted by a noise - we had an infestation of Kulak Monsters, which we've managed to clear out of the Cube completely, although we still have the occasional infestation in Bunker 9 and it's surrounding environs... A particularly wily one was getting into our butter and coffee stores, and even stole one of our sharper knives from the kitchen... I'm sure the old-timers will remember Meowsevitch hysterically 'screaming' online, to "Stab it! STAB IT NOW!!!" even though it was about 1,200 km away from The Cube, and he only saw a picture of it online because Bunker 9 is our most northerly out-post. I will see if I can find a picture of a Kulak Monster, for those who have never seen one. They are always a problem in our gardens, which is annoying when we're trying to grow a large enough beet and black radish crop to allow us to pickle some for the winter. Anyway... Meowsevitch was screaming hysterically, like a little girl, which in and of itself wasn't at all that unusual, but since he was actually screaming via web-cam and typing it too, and his screams reached the range that only dogs and we can hear, it worked Aki up so much that after cornering the little mutant freak, and harpooning it (Chicken Sushi and Monster Truck* managed to grab the coffee, butter and got the knife away from it), Aki beat it to death with a hoe... for which he was made to clean up the mess and make sure he found all the pieces, lest any field mice, voles or rats got to them and turned zombie.

But aside from some old pics of me from the Navy, with a test-targeting and ranging scope on my fin, there aren't many pictures of me with weaponry... a few with the pod on inflatable sleds that we could breach onto as they were towed behind Zodiacs... I love my AUG, cuz it's nice and light, although Laika makes fun of me because it's just a .223, but for short to mid-range work and with high powered ammo, it can still do some damage, especially if it's just starting to tumble a bit, cuz I'm happy for it to enter a skull and bounce around tearing stuff up... it's as good as something that just leaves a fine red mist handing behind in the wake of its hydrostatic shock, blowing a skull to pieces like a watermelon. But this is The Cube and so we must pay homage to our culture and its tools... shovels sharp and AK's properly field stripped, cleaned, and ready. And... well... regardless of it's robustness and reliability, an Uzi is just politically incorrect for a picture. And since I prefer to work alone in close-up situations, and even though Aki is well-trained as a spotter for long range work (both in terms of windage and water currents - we've actually patented an underwater scope that works along the lines of Schlierin imaging and water currents instead of air currents... all proceeds to The Cube. We're currently working on a sonic weapon based on the work of Chladni and Tesla... it's gonna be soooo kewl! And we can make really awesome pictures using Chladni patterns, and it's always fun playing with Tesla coils... as long as you've got a good Faraday cage to sit in... sorry... but we really love our work!), he's still a little young and I have trouble keeping him from getting overly excited. But he's a good worker, tireless and dedicated, his shovel always sharp.

Anyway... The AK is appropriate, and yes, we all have a penchant for flowers. We have used wildflowers to great effect to camouflage Bunker 9, and our out-buildings, not to mention they are wonderful for our apiary, and we've started to really produce some lovely honey. But, although they aren't naturally occurring in our part of the world, we do also appreciate Hibiscus, as they do remind us a bit of our first home, when we would be out on manoevers or just simple training and we could see them when we were close to shore - as long as no humans were around to see us... Personally, I am quite taken with Lisianthus as well as grape hyacinths and some of the miniature carnations, bachelor buttons and snow drops... And Aki loves to watch the hummingbirds come to the hibiscus early in the morning. We are very thankful for the lives the Cube has given us...

Oh... and Aki has located a picture of a Kulak Monster (Felis Necronambulus Nospurratu Kulakus)... so here you go...
Felis Necronambulus Nospurratu Kulakus - Common Kulak Monster

It is rather good of Red Green to have made most of his shows available online... I believe he might have been produced by the Communist Broadcasting Corporation, also know as the CBC in Kanadistan. They used to produce some good work, but lately, not so much, except that wonderful piece of multikultural agitprop, Little Mosque on the Prairie (I shit you not). And if you search, there is a wonderful old children's show that Aki and the little ones love to watch called The Friendly Giant, with many talking animals, as well as a very sweet closing sequence. But there is much for a newcomer to Kanadistan, especially a dolphin, or at least I believe so. It has helped us to blend in and not arouse suspicion, although some of that is down to this country's newly minted myth of multikulturism as well, which I believed was launched when Kanadistan repatriated its constitution from the United Kingdom (the paternalistic imperialistic overseers and original mis-appropriators of this beautiful country).

Alrighty then... I believe that is more than enough reminiscing for one night, but I believe my partial story of our history, and some of the Cube's as well, has included some important historical information, as well as a few funny stories (at least for the old-timers around here), and I hope you have found it entertaining.

Sweet dreams all,
Sister Massively Opiated,
Emancipated and Free Dolphin with a Porpoise Purpose....

*When we escaped and made our way up the coast to Comrade Otis, I allowed all the pod-members to choose their own names, and give up their slave names... and many of them, having watched TV for the first time, were taken with certain human oddities, hence, certain pod members with names like Monster Truck (which is much better than if he'd chosen an actual Monster Truck name like Gravedigger. I did, however, ban any Kardashian names). Others were taken with history, or astronomy or science in general. I suppose one day I'll have to introduce them all. And we've had some additions to the family, the first born in freedom! When they are old enough, they will be allowed to choose their first names and their second will be given to them by our Glorious Sentient Non-Human Person's Direktor.