The People's Cube - Political Satire

Note: now that I'm being directly funded by Saudi Arabia (for reasons I won't get into), they've asked me very nicely without any degree of coercion to start promoting some of their upcoming products (quiet down, I'm not a capitalist shill, this is for the Good of the Universal Party™ and Saudi funding negates any claims of infiltration).

Since the country has recently started investing in Uber, they're thinking about branching out into different territory developing some new products for this cool, hip new generation. And so, the following is an advertisement for their newest venture into the tech world known as ShariApp™ (I still can't believe how much I'm being paid for this).

Out in the middle of nowhere and can't get those prayer time updates? Are you finding yourself unable to report acts of blasphemy because you're all alone without a compliance officer nearby? Want to see if your wife strays two meters outside your door without direct permission?

Introducing ShariApp™, the world's first app for all your Sharia compliance needs!

ShariApp™ uses the latest in connectivity to provide you with the most up-to-date news regarding important events in your area, such as public beheadings, public stonings, Taharrush games (for those sexual emergencies), and so much more! Also, in the European version, receive daily tips from local leaders on how to slowly eradicate Western culture and replace it with your own.

Also included in the app is E-Z KafirPay™, which gives non-Muslims the ability to pay their jizya without having to visit their local compliance office. In addition, the app is compatible with both Sunni and Shia sects, but it does not guarantee that you will receive all updates on attacks directed at either.

“This app has allowed young ADD rabble-rousers, who always seem glued to their phones, to finally focus on what's important, which is spreading the teachings of the 7th century doctrine,” says Imam Bata Tastin, one of the initial users of the app in its early stages of development. “With the constant updates and ease of use, the West will easily be conquered.”

ShariApp™ will soon be released for free on all platforms, funded only by the immense stores of wealth that the West has foolishly given to us even after we constantly call for their deaths.

Advertising Department,
JihadTECH, Saudi Arabia

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I'm not sure if an app like this actually exists, but I'm too lazy to find out for myself. Although with the way things have been, it can't be too far from the truth.

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Reportedly, overwhelming success already, a total hit - lines, lines, and no end in sight :


and happy freshly baked users :

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Tech-Comrade Sovremennyy :

Is there linguistic support ? E-Z KafirTalk ? Is it unidirectional ? meaning MusulMassaSpeak-KafirHopHop ?

Musical extension - MuezziCall-High-5 ? with integrated amplification ? 120 dB ? hip-hop ? (say, MusulHip-KafirHop ?).

Must E-Z KafirPay™ be used first, as a precondition for the whole KafiRange of ShariApp™ ?

And extra Wymyn Support ? Wym-S'App-Port ? Me no expert here, but our Comrade Pamalinsky could contribute immensely (once Comrade P has a break from her mining duties, of course).

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:.
Tech-Comrade Sovremennyy :

Is there linguistic support ? E-Z KafirTalk ? Is it unidirectional ? meaning MusulMassaSpeak-KafirHopHop ?

Musical extension - MuezziCall-High-5 ? with integrated amplification ? 120 dB ? hip-hop ? (say, MusulHip-KafirHop ?).

Must E-Z KafirPay™ be used first, as a precondition for the whole KafiRange of ShariApp™ ?

And extra Wymyn Support ? Wym-S'App-Port ? Me no expert here, but our Comrade Pamalinsky could contribute immensely (once Comrade P has a break from her mining duties, of course).

Simply yell "Allahu Akbar" and the voice control will be activated.

Your selection of Imam-approved Hippity Hop is available at a permanent setting of 1,000 decibels.

A Jihad by a friend is acceptable payment for full access to all ShariApp features. However, if the app detects that you are in Europe, it will also allow full access.

If the ShariApp is used by a woman, her husband will have to supervise her usage of it. He can be right next to her or he can watch remotely and secretly with another phone with a linked ShariApp program. If the ShariApp detects that a woman is using it without her husband's permission or that he isn't watching, it will automatically shoot a taser at the woman and shock her for 5-10 hours depending on how far her husband is away.

Comrade Sovremennyy,

My friend puts his wife out in the yard every morning before leaving for his daily stonings and beheadings.... Can this App monitor his "Invisible Fence" while he's gone?

CC

Dear Leader tries out the new app:

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:Simply yell "Allahu Akbar" and ... ..{ .. your-wishes-here .. }

Comrades - great advice !
Wherever applicable, worked on the spot ! :

ShariApp is a fine addition to the ever-expanding line of Sharia compliant products -

WarBooty Just like the Mooslic Revolutionaries who stop by and admire the home they have pre-emptively claimed when the Zionist Occupiers are driven into the sea, this App gives Abduls who emulate the tastes of the Prophet to have an eye on the prize that awaits the faithful.

It'stheJews An App that tracks the latest Conspiracies perpetrated by the instruments of Allah's will to test the faithful. The App has a notification mute feature so you don't sound like a goat with a bell.

DewDrop Refugees and Reverts alike are going ga-ga over this App. It features local listings of trusted vendors as well as spot market trends of Allah's miracle cure.

[attachment=4]AllahAllahoxenfree.jpg[/attachment][/color][/font] AllahAllahOxenFree This App provides up to the minute offenses to Mooslic sensibilities, with directions to Mooslic Flash Mob rallying points whilst laying out a proper course of action to address slights to the Umma. Their motto - We'll set the pace, bring a rag for your face.

Allah-BlowMe Every Abdul well versed in the Qur'an and the Sunnah knows Allah loves a big, wet, sloppy blowjob. This inspirational App offers live updates to the latest martyrdom operations throughout the world. Follow along with live coverage of the wedding feasts of Shaheed and enjoin with the Umma, post well wishes for a proper send off to that whorehouse in the sky.

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GangMoll This is lighter fair, with links to human-interest stories featuring tales of Muslimah empowerment as they join kith and kin correcting loved ones that are deficient in their religion.

This catchy tune will make you take off your burka and lose your head. Keep on rickin' but don't listen to it while stoned.

I give you Sharia Gonorrhea.