The People's Cube - Political Satire

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The reasons for the tragic deaths in Orlando's nightclub remain shrouded in an impenetrable fog of mystery. The initial hypotheses formulated publicly by Prof. Obama were regrettably vacuous, and could not be corroborated until now.

Eager to continue in the spirit of the most transparent administration ever, White House looked promptly for the best and brightest analytical minds across the country. That step was easy. Meet the crème de la crème of the cutting edge under the whooshing Flags of Science!

Here they are - masters of imaginative research, wizards of creative statistics, designers of spellbinding diagrams - our UN-approved Climatists! Kollektively awarded the Nobel Prize for Progress, daily and hourly fighting against Western Kapitalistic Rogue Klimate, for a Planetary Common Good Climate, and since mid 80s ever closer tied to consecutive Administrations.

Per short command lines, the experts were efficiently given new march orders: Pulse. How. Why.

Cranial activity started at once, and audible churning of synapses was reported.
Bold hypothesising. Reinforcing consensuses. Upping CI, the consensus indicator.

Here are the first results (including their status):

• The tremendous loss of life was caused by bullets (97% consensus, meaning full agreement; therefore, this is settled and the debate is over).
  
• All the bullets came from a single deadly weapon. Therefore, the blame lies with the identified rifle. And being consensually blamed for the assault makes it an assault rifle. (95% consensus, that is 100% assuredness).

Further results:

• The assault rifle was probably manipulated to perform the assault, as assault rifles don't always assault by themselves (an intrepid hypothesis, medium confidence).
  
• If the assault rifle was actuated to assault, then with near certainty there must have been an actuating actuator (pure deduction, high probability - indeed, near certainty).
  
• The nature of the (hypothetic, possibly anthropogenic) actuator of the assault rifle has to be modeled, using the reliable, state-of-the-art predictive techniques of IPCC.
  
• The results of said modelling of assault rifle activities under actuation will be published as soon as possible (estimation, with 99% consensus and top probability: not before Nov. 8, 2016).

Conclusions:

• A scientific word count over the results available so far shows (with 100% certainty) that all further research must focus on "assault rifle" and "assault by assault rifle".

A summit - under benevolent auspices of Prof. Obama - will follow soon. The expert panel will turn over the first summary of research done and recommendation(s): sumptin' has to be done about assault rifles.

UPDATE

• Conducting PULS-study, the best practices of CAGW2 (Catastrophic Anthropogenic Global Warming, Squared) research have been adopted.
  
• So, first and foremost DIRT (Deep Insight Research Team) has been set behind thick stone walls to keep the knuckle-dragging public out of meddling in scientific affairs they don't understand.
  
• Next, a gigantic solar panel roof was put on the research bunker to block out sunlight along with its caustic disinfectant impact. Yet, to make the public understand the scientific endeavour, the following was officially released:

and the "previous Administration."

Comrade, Genosse Dummkoft, remember good judgment, moral judgments or ethical judgments, is one that enjoins a categorical imperative as contrasted with the hypothetical imperatives of skill, prudence and utopianism all conceived as a transcendental order to shape the nature of by the purpose of its very creation…

Assault

Were carbon credits purchased to compensate for the carbon footprint of this assault on Mother Gaia?

We are in good hands, thank you comrade Genosse...

oh and Biff: have a People Approved Medical Professional take a look at that dark spot man...

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Now, Math types (phew, known as contrarians, generally¹) came up with another explanation :


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¹ d'ya know ?

they (those Math types, phew), they even exert ― as a most central method ! ― reasoning which they call a contrario ! Conducting "proofs" a contrario, before they come with their "beloved" QED, quod erat demonstrandum !

and they do that since 25 centuries ! scandal !! outrageous conservatism !!! null Progress ! always parading their "syllogisms", phew, which they claim inherited from a certain "Aristotle", phew.

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whad, 72? huh???

and here the proof — real proof, no "a contrario" blah-blah — that "72" (phew!) is wrong, dead wrong : it's not 72, it's 19.604 ! proven within 2:20 here.

For numerically indifferent and/or challenged, yet aesthetically receptive (and here are thoughts go particularly to dear Comradettes), some 4:00 of advancedly joyous stuff !


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For (hypothetical) newbies : MEMRI is an invaluable (and serious) source.

Captain Craptek wrote:72 RAISINS NOT VIRGINS!

I repent !
Also, the poetic Sheikh (mentioned above) clearly says, starting @0:42 : pomegranates & grapefruits, not titties & boobies - as my filthy inner kafir whispered (while discreetly salivating).




UPD. (Dec. 27) :
By a quirk, browsed here and noticed that the YT link is dead. No problem, see MEMRI.

Minitrue wrote:We are in good hands, thank you comrade Genosse...

oh and Biff: have a People Approved Medical Professional take a look at that dark spot man...

Will do. Do you think I should have them scrub out the wound to remove the pigment? I've always been off-put by proles that festoon their bodies with a visual narrative of their life's story and feel slighted when you don't query them as to its meaning. This would be legit and who doesn't crave a conversation starter all about me? As always, my concern is what's best for the Children™.

[img]images/clipart/Prog_Off.gif[/img]

I once had to remove powder burns on a soldier's face with a surgical scrub brush to prevent tattooing. The Doc said forego local anesthesia as it would not have a lasting effect. When men were men...Geesh!

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:

Captain Craptek wrote:72 RAISINS NOT VIRGINS!

I repent !
Also, the poetic Sheikh (mentioned above) clearly says, starting @0:42 : pomegranates & grapefruits, not titties & boobies - as my filthy inner kafir assumed (while discreetly salivating).

The learning never ends, does it??? I wasn't aware raisins had breasts...amazing! I will be more attentive while eating my morning Raisin Bran cereal!

Captain Craptek wrote:

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:

Captain Craptek wrote:72 RAISINS NOT VIRGINS!

I repent !
Also, the poetic Sheikh (mentioned above) clearly says, starting @0:42 : pomegranates & grapefruits, not titties & boobies - as my filthy inner kafir assumed (while discreetly salivating).

The learning never ends, does it??? I wasn't aware raisins had breasts...amazing! I will be more attentive while eating my morning Raisin Bran cereal!

Great news ! wish you good salivary flow with your morning Raisin meditation.

For spiritual continuity in the Raisin realm, these 2:54 are recommended. ...(UK's Nr-2 Salafist)
And for numerically fascinated folks a 2:01 enumeration of sweetness.


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MEMRI clips are mirrored on YouTube. Single problemito : every now and then, MEMRI's channel there goes Memory Hole - when CAIR and the like succeed in (temporarily) coupling MEMRI's "inconvenience" with Google's "flexibility".

Comrade Biffinaditch wrote:“... a pavilion made of a single hollow pearl sixty miles wide, in each corner there are wives (houris) who will not see those in the other corners ...”

What an insight, Comrade Biff...
as I see that heartbreaking impediment in holding up communications - even visual contact - across those 60 miles, a light comes down on lil' me, making me understand Dear Leader's order for NASA's outreach towards the sons of (technological) desert.

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:
as I see that heartbreaking impediment in holding up communications - even visual contact - across those 60 miles, a light comes down on lil' me, making me understand Dear Leader's order for NASA's outreach towards the sons of (technological) desert.

Speaking of blessings from on high -

[highlight=#NaNNaNNaN]The Prophet (صلی اللہ علیہ وسلم) said, “If a houri looks down from her abode in heaven onto the earth, the whole distance (space) shall be filled with light and fragrance. A houri's face is more radiant than a mirror, and one can see one's image in her cheek. The marrow of her shins is visible to the eyes.” [Mishkat, volume 3,pg 83-97]

You want raisins? No problem. Young boys to entertain you? Place your order. A snuggle goat just like the one (except for the part of it eating its lingerie) that filled your needs? Ask away. In Jannah, it's "What ever you wish for"

Captain Craptek wrote:

72 RAISINS NOT VIRGINS!

Or if you have a sense of humor:



(Wherever Robin's at, I hope he's happy. I always wanted to see him live, but sadly I never will. Although, even though he's gone, it feels like he's still with us in a way.)

Comrade Biffinaditch wrote:“... If a houri looks down from her abode in heaven onto the earth, the whole distance (space) shall be filled with light and fragrance. ...”

amazing !
yet another light on lil' me, a light clinging to fragrance : right now I understood what glorious Comradette Alexandrovevskivich unveiled to the Kollektiv here - the superfluity of, as she put it, earthly dyeodorants alias smyells :

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:Now, Math types ... came up with another explanation ...

This is idiotic.


"Math types" — they pull out of me-ashamed-to-say-where-from some 8, some 9, and then strut around with their ability to multiply them (phew, near half of Common Core alumni can do that, and within 5 minutes, to boot). Disgusting !

Genosse Dummkopf -

Your latest Current Truth reporting has made a glorious quota required for a promotion to the Mother Page! Congratulations on your first Mother Page appearance.

[img]/images/MotherPage_Cube_LedZeppelin.jpg[/img]

Red Square wrote:... Mother Page ...

by Marx ! ... can't believe what I see ! such a honor, I'm gloriously overwhelmed and dumbstruck.

my co-Comrade Bildschirm (vhich is KrautSpeak vor Monitor) gasped dreamily : I vill haf dsat piktshah alvays bevor mein Optik ¹ !

and co-Comradette Tastatur (dzis is dsat board vith dse keys, atatchet to dse Bildschirm), she just panted, clutching her Perlen ¹.


¹ actually, after our trio returned safely from bourgeois exaltation to the ground of Dialectic Materialism, I had to remind both them of their Party duties — Comrade Bildschirm must not brotherly cling to a fixed piktshah, he has to relentlessly shovel new progressive content into our Kubicle here ;
while Comradette Tastatur — the electronic shovel of our lil' Kubic studio at the foot of the Alps — must clutch to transforming dse kraut-progress-zinkink into dse kube-klear-keystrokink.


... ant now, oll togedser, let us singen :

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:

Red Square wrote:... Mother Page ...

by Marx ! ... can't believe what I see ! such a honor, I'm gloriously overwhelmed and dumbstruck.

my co-Comrade Bildschirm (vhich is KrautSpeak vor Monitor) gasped dreamily : I vill haf dsat piktshah alvays bevor mein Optik ¹ !

and co-Comradette Tastatur (dzis is dsat board vith dse keys, atatchet to dse Bildschirm), she just panted, clutching her Perlen ¹.


¹ actually, after our trio returned safely from bourgeois exaltation to the ground of Dialectic Materialism, I had to remind both them of their Party duties — Comrade Bildschirm must not brotherly cling to a fixed piktshah, he has to relentlessly shovel new progressive content into our Kubicle here ;
while Comradette Tastatur — the electronic shovel of our lil' Kubic studio at the foot of the Alps — must clutch to transforming dse kraut-progress-zinkink into dse kube-klear-keystrokink.


... ant now, oll togedser, let us singen :

Might I remind you, Komrade Genosse, that The Internationale was written by a Frenchman! The Germans didn't produce it, nor did the Austrians, Prussians, or otherwise, it was Le French. And might I also remind you that The Internationale is a SOCIALIST a them, when it is COMMUNISM that we fight for! In Socialism, all are equal, but in Communism, some are more equal than others.

I present something that is not only truly German, it also has a much more celebratory tone:

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:

Red Square wrote:... Mother Page ...

Comrade Stierlitz,

Stop criticizing and start singing!

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:... that is not only truly German, it also has a much more celebratory tone: <music-video>

Captain Craptek wrote:... <clocking-genosse> ...

jawohl ! Sozialismus, Kommunismus, dse Internationale ― dsat oll iz alter Hut, old hat !
But Marschmusik, ja ― dsat iz zeitlos, timeless.

You play dzis aniwhere in dse Werld, ant dzey vill say : ja, dzis iz it, dse Dsherman geist, dse Goethe, dse Hegel, ant dse Blasmusik (brass-band music), ant dse marsch-marsch-marsch !

In fairness ― ant off corse I haf luv vor my kountry, dse Dshermani ― it's Jägermärsche, hunters' marches (and as such, they of course are suited for any marches...). And of course, in popular perception dse Dsherman Blasmusik is forever tied to that villain-Germlish of vee haf vays to make you... :-\

In my Kubicle here no room is left for Blasmusik (not my cup of tea).
But I tell yu vot ― if yu haf dse vant to haf dse ear full vith Stechschritt-Musik ¹, dsen yu kombine dse glorious Stierlitz-template vith dse Captain Craptek klockink-komrade, ant dzis iz perfekt :

¹ Stechschritt = goosestep.

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:"... the whooshing Flags of Science ..." _and_ "... our UN-approved Climatists ..."

A Kubist Team of Visual Semantics made inquiries into the "... whooshing Flags of [Climate] Science ...".

The Kube was granted a high-level permit for a low-level insight (temporally limited (3.14 sec.) and spatially constrained (keyhole)) into the world of top-level cadres in Climate Science. Here the exclusive report from behind the curtains of CCCP, the Consensual Climatic Challenge Progress :

And here the dramatic apex of the daily routine : the March of the Searing Sun. It demonstrates forcefully what may (with extreme confidence) happen if Humanity crashes the Climatic Guardrail by adding more than 2,1⁰ F to Earth's consensual temperature :

The Science is seen here reassuringly armed against any non-consensual behavior of our precious Climate.



Tech. note :
Funny thing - nothing here is photoshopped, aside from Goracle overpainting another Great Leader for Common Good. (the scenes are of course from happy Pyongyang and sunny Beijing.)