The People's Cube - Political Satire

**3/27/2008, 3:37 am**

This is a very important announcement to those of you who were issued your ration cards on November 1, 2006 through March 26, 2008.

The Bureau of Needs Management has informed me that all ration cards received on November 1, 2006 through March 26, 2008 are now expired and cannot be used to redeem the basic necessities of life.

I suggest you read the simple instructions provided to us by the Bureau of Needs Management if you are currently a member of the proletariat. Your ration card is your means of survival, Comrade!

Any and all who posses ration cards on or between those two dates are instructed to do the following:

1 – Fill out both the 5489-1029 B forms and the 2389-4059 C forms

2 – Have both the 5489-1029 B forms and the 2389-4059 C forms notarized, postmarked and delivered to the Bureau of Needs Management in a brown manila envelope with your name, address and the time most appropriate to reach you.

Both the forms and the brown manila envelope can be obtained through the Bureau of Needs Management local service office and will only cost you one punch of your paper goods ration card. If your paper goods ration card falls on or between November 1, 2006 and March 26, 2008 we are afraid that you will have to resort to instruction #3.

3 – If both your 5489-1029 B forms and the 2389-4059 C forms are not notarized, postmarked and delivered to the Bureau of Needs Management in a brown manila envelope; we will need you to call the Bureau of Needs Management to speak to a Needs Management Official right away.

REMINDER:
Call wait time to speak to a Needs Management Official is roughly 7 days and 22 hours and it is critical that you remain on the line at all times. It is a FELONY and a violation of the Pelosi Good Government Act of 2008 to squander or waste the time of a government official who is trying his/her best to satisfy your needs. Please be considerate and STAY ON THE LINE AT ALL TIMES.

4 – After speaking to either 1.) a Needs Management Official or 2.) Submitting both the 5489-1029 B forms and the 2389-4059 C forms notarized, postmarked and delivered to the Bureau of Needs Management in a brown manila envelope with your name, address and the time most appropriate to reach you; we will need the following corresponding forms/packets/booklets completed:

A.) Blue color-coded 2384-4950 forms, Red color-coded 3948-3029 forms and three Yellow color-coded 2394 packets must be completed, notarized and submitted for processing.

B.) Both the Cyan color-coded and the Teal color-coded Client History Booklets must be completed with information dating from your birth to the present day. Any and all information MUST BE ACCURATE AND MUST MATCH OUR CURRENT RECORDS. Failure to match current records will be considered intentional falsification and perjury and you will be prosecuted to the fullest extent of the law.

C.) After completing the Blue color-coded 2384-4950 forms, Red color-coded 3948-3029 forms, three Yellow color-coded 2394 packets, Cyan color-coded and the Teal color-coded Client History Booklets you will need to submit them notarized and in a brown manila envelope with your name, address and the time most appropriate to reach you.

The Blue color-coded 2384-4950 forms, Red color-coded 3948-3029 forms, three Yellow color-coded 2394 packets, Cyan color-coded and the Teal color-coded Client History Booklets and the brown manila envelope can be obtained through the Bureau of Needs Management local service office and will only cost you one punch of your paper goods ration card. If your paper goods ration card falls on or between November 1, 2006 and March 26, 2008 we are afraid that you will have to resort to instruction #5

5 – If the Blue color-coded 2384-4950 forms, Red color-coded 3948-3029 forms, three Yellow color-coded 2394 packets, Cyan color-coded and the Teal color-coded Client History Booklets are not notarized and in a brown manila envelope with your name, address and the time most appropriate to reach you; then you will have to call a Needs Management Supervisor to process your request after first speaking to a Needs Management Official and before speaking to a Needs Management Case Worker.

REMINDER:
Call wait time to speak to a Needs Management Supervisor is roughly 3 weeks, 7 days, 12 hours and it is critical that you remain on the line at all times. It is a FELONY and a violation of the Pelosi Good Government Act of 2008 to waste the time of a government official who is trying his/her best to satisfy your needs. Please be considerate and STAY ON THE LINE AT ALL TIMES.

6 – To speak to a Needs Management Case Worker you must first:

A.) Fill out three Letters of Intent declaring that you wish to speak to a Needs Management Case Worker.

B.) Have all three Letters of Intent notarized and signed by a Needs Management Official, a Needs Management Supervisor and at least 3 witnesses who are 1) Currently receiving a ration card that does not fall on or between the dates November 1, 2006 through March 26, 2008 2) Are in good standing with the Party 3) Have both a first and last name that starts with the letter "B" and who were born before January 1, 1928. By meeting these requirements the Bureau of Needs Management will be able to process request more quickly and efficiently.

C.) Send in the Letters of Intent declaring that you wish to speak to a Needs Management Case Worker in a brown manila envelope and sealed with the Red color-coded sticker.

REMINDER:
Due to the high volume of request to speak to a Needs Management Case Worker, the Bureau of Needs Management has estimated that the wait time is approximately 7 years, 6 months, 2 weeks and 18 hours and it is critical that you wait for a response from your designated Needs Management Case Worker at all times. It is a FELONY and a violation of the Pelosi Good Government Act of 2008 to waste the time of a government official who is trying his/her best to satisfy your needs. Please be considerate and WAIT FOR A RESPONSE AT ALL TIMES.

The three Letters of Intent, the Red color-coded sticker and the brown manila envelope can be obtained through the Bureau of Needs Management local service office and will only cost you one punch of your paper goods ration card. If your paper goods ration card falls on or between November 1, 2006 and March 26, 2008 we are afraid that you will have to call the closest Bureau of Needs Management local service office to sign up for a special Needs Management Inspector visitation to allow us to evaluate your request and whether you are fit for our priority list.

REMINDER:
Wait time for a visitation by a Needs Management Inspector is roughly 10 years, 5 months, 2 weeks, 9 hours and it is critical that you remain in your State Approved Living Accommodations in the event a Needs Management Inspector arrives for a visitation unannounced. It is a FELONY and a violation of the Pelosi Good Government Act of 2008 to waste the time of a government official who is trying his/her best to satisfy your needs. Please be considerate and REMAIN IN YOUR STATE APPROVED LIVING ACCOMODATIONS AT ALL TIMES.

NOTE:
All forms are in SPANISH ONLY and processing time for ENGLISH ONLY forms is roughly 2 months. Please submit SPANISH ONLY forms to help us at the Bureau of Needs Management process your request in a prompt and timely fashion. We will not accept ENGLISH ONLY forms but do require them in the processing of your SPANISH ONLY forms. Please submit all six.

The Bureau of Needs Management thanks you for your patience and cooperation!

________________
For additional information or if you have any questions/concerns, please call our toll-free hotline which will be operational by 2015. Thanks!

**3/27/2008, 11:31 am**

Terrific! Our benevolent government has streamlined the process. I remember the days when they made you jump through hoops just to receive the 1526-8599 L request form for a #2 pencil in order to fill out the 5489-1029 B forms and the 2389-4059 C forms.

It truly is wonderful the way our Party Officials care about the People™.

-Mikhail

**3/27/2008, 12:10 pm**

That sums it up nicely.

SOCIALISM: From each according to his ability to work the system, to each according to his ability to work the system.

**3/27/2008, 12:39 pm**

As soon as the Bureau of Needs Management gets phone service, the waiting periods will be cut in half! Ah, the progress that backward western democracies can only dream about.

**3/27/2008, 1:32 pm**

Mikhail T. Kalashnikov wrote:Terrific! Our benevolent government has streamlined the process. I remember the days when they made you jump through hoops just to receive the 1526-8599 L request form for a #2 pencil in order to fill out the 5489-1029 B forms and the 2389-4059 C forms.

It truly is wonderful the way our Party Officials care about the People™.

-Mikhail

Actually they do still require a 1526-8599 L request form for the required #2 Needs Management form pencil. They also need a 1249-5677 X form for the eraser that goes with the #2 Needs Management form pencil.

Hopefully someone will attempt to call the hotline for clarification before filling out the forms in a pencil that is not authorized for use. It would be a shame to fill out all those forms and go through all that waiting only to find out that you were rejected because you didn't use the authorized #2 Needs Management form pencil.

BNM wrote: For any additional information or if you have any questions/concerns, please call our toll-free hotline which will be operational by 2015. Thanks!

Oh... well... that sucks. I guess people will just have to figure it out for themselves that the #2 Needs Management form pencil is still a requirement. 2015 will be here before they know it!

**3/27/2008, 4:19 pm**

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Actually they do still require a 1526-8599 L request form for the required #2 Needs Management form pencil. They also need a 1249-5677 X form for the eraser that goes with the #2 Needs Management form pencil.

Oh yes, of course. You are quite correct, Chairman. It must have slipped my mind. I am glad you refreshed my memory. That could have been a costly blunder on my part.

Here's a helpful tip for all filers that we went over at last months community oblast meeting: It is good to fill out your next 1526-8599 L request form for the #2 Needs Management form pencil as soon as your new #2 Needs Management form pencil arrives in the post. You don't want to get all the way down to an unusable nub before you try to fill out the required paperwork.

That would require you to call the BNM and request a 6683-4520 G exemption form for the purpose of being allowed to use a #1 sugar ration form pencil instead of the required #2 Needs Management form pencil on your 1526-8599 L request form for the #2 Needs Management form pencil. Of course you must file the 6683-4520 G exemption form first, and receive a 211 Needs Management waiver to be filed with the 1526-8599 L request form for the #2 Needs Management form pencil that was filled out with the #1 sugar ration form pencil. But use caution, because the #1 sugar ration form pencils are a softer lead and it smudges easily and needs resharpening often to make it appropriate for use on a 1526-8599 L request form for the #2 Needs Management form pencil.

You wouldn't want to have your forms be rejected because of smudged writing. That would require you to apply for an extension by the NMB. And we all know how much paperwork is involved in that.

-Mikhail

**3/27/2008, 6:05 pm**

Chairman -

Our enforcement officials have intercepted a letter addressed to you from one of your contacts who will for now remain anonymous. The Party would like you to shed some light on this unpleasant business of hoarding without cutting a share to other comrades.

One of Chairman's contacts who will for now remain anonymous wrote:Dearest Comrade Chairman,

Upon hearing these glorious news I have proactively organized the community in my Novy York oblast and the community has appointed me to be their public filer of all the above forms.

This is a free selfless public service on my part, mind you, even though I was forced to give in to the community's demand and accept 50% of their future rations obtained through my filing of said forms. Of these 50% I will be happy to share half with you for your absolutely free and volunteer effort to make sure that all my submitted forms are processed expediently.

The only problem is that I only have a 0.7 mm PaperMate(R) capitalist pencil, which I used to fill out all of the forms. Perhaps an additional 5% of the rations might make you want to consider that in some cases, the Common Good can overrule the bureaucratic requirements concerning the #2 Needs Management form pencil.

Please also consider that 5% of the Novy York oblast rations amount to 1,578 metric tons of beets, 865 liquid tons of vodka, and 25.5 kilometers of toilet paper (127,500 single-use squares).

Between us comrades, I have also made arrangements with a very decent and sympathetic industrialists named Rezko who has ways to convert all of these "surplus" rations through his foreign contacts into cash, conveniently accessible via an anonymous offshore account.

What say you?

**3/27/2008, 10:04 pm**

I have responded to this anonymous contact, Comrade Red Square, although NO ONE IS ANONYMOUS TO THE EYES AND EARS OF THE PARTY! WE KNOW WHO YOU ARE, COMRADE! WE KNOW!

Here is my sweet little reply:

I - Chairman Meowsevitch S. Punchenko - in all my grace and awesomeness wrote:Dearest Anonymous Contact who may or may not be my slut of an ex-wife,

I have never seen such a cunning businessperson before among the rank-and-file – your skills are superb, Comrade. Why, you had me going for a while with your talk of cutting me in on all the scratch you are making with this paperwork racket. I have to admit I did give the idea of a partnership with you much considered thought.

HOWEVER, as a Party Chairperson with powers that dictate the life and death of those around me of “lesser human value”, I must kindly reject your proposal of cutting me 50% and must now, sadly, demand that you give me the full 110% of all profits, proceeds and anything else you or yours may posses of monetary value. It is the duty of all Comrades – all Comrades, mind you (except me and mine) – to sacrifice the full 110% for the Greater Good. Hillary asks no more of us but to give the full 110% - that is all she asks of us, Comrade.

Now then, I am going to give you a list of options to choose from which will determine the fate of you are your Comrades at the Novy York Oblast:

1 – Give me the money and everything else you are your criminal band of thieves may have – this includes fillings, jewelry, food, copper piping, stoves, appliances, siding, insulation, wood, oil, medical supplies blankets and brand-name clothing.

2 – Go to the Gulag and eat nothing but those collected ration cards that expired on and between the dates November 1, 2006 through March 26, 2008. Ever had to eat boiled ration cards before, Comrade? Hmm? It is not a pleasant experience – especially when taking a Kwame.

Those are your choices, Comrade!

Take care,

Chairman Meowsevitch S. Punchenko

P.S – Never use “what say you” again! Do you want to be Bill O'Reilly or something? Huh? Is he your hero!? ARE YOU WATCHING HIS PROGRAM!?! CONFESS! CONFESS YOUR CRIMES!

**3/27/2008, 10:12 pm**

I never cease to be amazed at the foresight the Party shows in attacking a potential problem and "nipping it in the bud" before a real problem can develop that would lead to the death of millions. I think it only fair that the Chairman and all those associated with this timely fix be granted an additional 25% increase in their subsidy.

Did I forget to mention that as it happens, I have several tons of #2 Pencils that were delivered by accident to my department? I had requested something from the State Pharmacy supply warehouse to help certain comrades to "put some lead in their pencils," and next thing you know I have these pencils out the wazoo. Please feel free to direct any inquiries for these to me and I shall see that they are shipped out as quickly as possible.

**3/27/2008, 10:15 pm**

Commissar Pupovich wrote: Did I forget to mention that as it happens, I have several tons of #2 Pencils that I stocked up on during the slack period for candidates wishing to be considered in the Party Houses? Please feel free to direct any inquiries for these to me and I shall see that they are shipped out as quickly as possible.

For a hefty sum of money and/or favors, right? I mean... you aren't just going to give them away and ship them in a timely fashion, right? That would be just madness if you did! MADNESS I SAY!

**3/27/2008, 10:16 pm**

Of course not Chairman, I have learned from the best, and that would be you of course.

**3/27/2008, 10:20 pm**

I see we have a "problem" here. Seems there was one comrade who actually answered affirmatively to the question "I will die of starvation before this ration card problem is fixed." Needless to say this shows a complete lack of faith in the Party's wisdom and efficiency, and this ThoughtCriminal™ must be exposed. Clearly if he is that worried about starving, he needs to be sent to the KMRC where he can be assured of a life sustaining ration.

**3/27/2008, 10:28 pm**

Do I still get to keep my condo at "The Dachas at Potemkin Village™"?

**3/27/2008, 10:43 pm**

Laika the Space Dog wrote:Do I still get to keep my condo at "The Dachas at Potemkin Village™"?

Don't worry, Laika! This ration card mishap only impacts the peons. If anything we will be subsidized while the peons wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and wait, and then eventually die of starvation.

**3/27/2008, 11:47 pm**

The brilliance would be too bright were it not for my Progressive Polaroid glasses. As the peons drop off that are unwilling or unable to follow the quite reasonable requests put forth, the more for us!

**3/28/2008, 12:55 am**

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:
Commissar Pupovich wrote: Did I forget to mention that as it happens, I have several tons of #2 Pencils that I stocked up on during the slack period for candidates wishing to be considered in the Party Houses? Please feel free to direct any inquiries for these to me and I shall see that they are shipped out as quickly as possible.

For a hefty sum of money and/or favors, right? I mean... you aren't just going to give them away and ship them in a timely fashion, right? That would be just madness if you did! MADNESS I SAY!

I'm sure he'll ship them the same way I shipped your kkkittenss, Chairman...FedEx.

**3/28/2008, 1:09 am**

Just as long as you keep them out of my Hot Pockets.

**3/28/2008, 3:23 pm**

Mmmm... kitties. I like slow cooked kitties with a side of slaw.

**3/28/2008, 3:42 pm**

mmmm no hablo dumbass... and watchout for the mexipult

You'll never take me alive!!!!!! AYIEEEEEEEEE!!.

**3/28/2008, 3:54 pm**

Mmm... kitty. Stop shooting me, kitty! I'm not going to hurt you! All I am going to do is stuff you in the microwave to... uh... to... hmm... to... damn... ALRIGHT! ALRIGHT! I am going to put you in the microwave to eat you! Now put the rifle down and get in the hot pocket crust, dammit! I WANT MY HOT-KITTIES! HOT-KITTIES!!!!

**3/28/2008, 9:50 pm**

YUM!!! I love orange kitties!! umm isn't that 2 kitties...oh nevermind

**3/28/2008, 9:53 pm**

Chairman M. S. Punchenko wrote:Mmmm... kitties. I like slow cooked kitties with a side of slaw.

That's called "Memphis style", right? Or do you have to put the slaw on top of the kitties?

**3/28/2008, 10:38 pm**

Great Stalin's Ghost! As the second most known Party Pooch next to Comrade Space Dog, I just know someone is going to blame me for this sudden craze for cat cuisine! Oh well, it is not like I haven't been saddled with this before. Eat comrades! Eat of the bounty!

**3/30/2008, 4:53 pm**

http://www.petpalsshelter.com/CatStewFunny.html

**3/30/2008, 6:38 pm**

Cover all previous parts of recipe with a huge dollop of tolerance and ignore. Take cat(s) and hold in lap until well warmed. Add a huge dollop of love, stroke until purring steadily. Enjoy your cat stew!

How sick is that?

**3/30/2008, 7:13 pm**

Pup, please never share how to make a Puppy Pie. My puppy knows how to make a pie all by herself. In fact, it's usually about two a day, dependent on diet.

**3/30/2008, 11:40 pm**

Not to worry Mikhail, this Pup doesn't poop in his own backyard.

**3/31/2008, 12:30 am**

I was wondering why my yard seemed to need more scooping than usual....

**3/31/2008, 10:56 am**

It is called re-distribution of the wealth Premier, it is For the Common Good™ after all,

**3/31/2008, 9:02 pm**

What the hell kind of wealth is that? I have no use for it and al it does is get in the way!

**3/31/2008, 9:19 pm**

You need to think out of the box Premier....picture compost, picture ammunition, picture WMD...

**3/31/2008, 9:50 pm**

I got that as a birthday card. A bunch of cats in business suits complaining about someone thinking outside the box and a kitty litter box on the table with poo outside of it.

**4/4/2008, 6:37 am**

Commissar Pupovich wrote:You need to think out of the box Premier...

Comrade Pup! You're not encouraging thought crimes, are you?! The last thing Betty needs is encouragement in that area!

**4/4/2008, 7:18 am**

True enough, just trying to use Puppy Mind Meld on the Premier to have him accept the Puppy Poop in his yard as something to be desired.

**4/5/2008, 8:02 am**

Commissar Pupovich wrote:True enough, just trying to use Puppy Mind Meld on the Premier to have him accept the Puppy Poop in his yard as something to be desired.

But why would he think otherwise?

Actually, I think Betty won't mind the puppy poop so much after his experience with Nancy's Double Chocolate Enima Juice. Maybe Comrade Red could wip up an advertisement with Betty as the spokesperson...

**4/5/2008, 1:02 pm**

One would think so, yet he didn't seem to recognize it's true worth.

**4/6/2008, 9:26 pm**

Fortunately I had a clone take part in that... um... experience.

**10/1/2008, 4:24 am**

Comrades,

Following a donation to the Party, I was informed that my family would be spared come the revolution. However, starvation by ration card omission was not mentioned. Is that an escape clause? And if so, for which P(p)arty?

**10/2/2008, 10:49 pm**

I fail to understand your quandry Comrade Tovarich. First off, you were informed your family would be spared "come the revolution." As you should know, we await the fulfillment of the revolution which will surely come this November. But putting that aside for the moment...what is the problem? The Chairman has not relegated you or any less equal comrades to starvation via ration card omission. In fact, he has went out of his way to explain exactly how one may have any problem in rationing solved, The instructions are quite clear.

The People's Cube - Political Satire

ATTENTION: Special Announcement Concerning Your Ration Cards