10/23/2016, 6:15 pm
[img]/images/Love_Trumps_Hate.jpg[/img]
The meaning and scope of non-traditional marriages has been expanding lately all over the world, where diverse people of equally diverse cultures have been officially marrying not just other people of varying genders and quantities, but also snakes, goats, dolphins, cats, dogs, video game characters, as well as inanimate objects - dolls, pots, pillows, walls, towers, roller-coasters, or even their own cardboard cutouts.
While we wish them to live happily ever after in their progressive non-traditional relationships, we can't help but wonder why there hasn't been much progress in this regard in the United States, and what can be done to eliminate this glaring gap so that Americans wouldn't be ashamed of trailing behind the more advanced societies.
As we know, the solution to every problem is benevolent government intervention. We need to raise awareness and promote policies that would encourage the spreading of non-traditional marriages in our country through government subsidies and other forms of assistance. This includes increased food stamp rations and employment quotas for non-traditionally-married, free pet food and government reimbursement for custom-made beds, cages, water tanks, terrariums, and other intimate arrangements.
We will also need to modify our healthcare system - merge human and animal hospitals, retrain doctors and medical personnel, and add a provision to the Affordable Healthcare Act that would allow to include both animals and inanimate objects into government-subsidized insurance plans regardless of pre-existing conditions.
A massive diversity and sensitivity training program must also be instituted by the government, to ensure inclusiveness and acceptance. This will also help further to delegitimize and marginalize haters and other non-compliant elements in our society. That will be, perhaps, the most literal implementation of the most recent Party slogan, "Love Trumps Hate."
The funds for all the above can be easily obtained through an additional marriage tax, paid by those citizens who practice traditional marriage, which is something to be discouraged for the common good. For this to happen, of course, Hillary needs to win the White House, because president Trump will never allow such a program. This alone makes him a hater and a bigot, which is why the Party directs us to hate him with all our hearts.
As with every socially beneficial initiative, we need to lead by example. Therefore, all People's Cube members are now encouraged to enter in loving non-traditional marriages with various individuals, plants, animals, inanimate objects, etc. - let the sky be the limit! Such members will get increased weekly food and vodka rations, redistributed from those members who are too slow to respond to the Party initiative and neglect to immediately fall in love with and marry a non-traditional person, object, or animal.
Work on those quotas, comrades! Do not hurt our chances to get the diversity trophy for this year. We all know what the stakes are. Report on your progress below.
Reported by Hammer & Loupe with additional reporting by Comrade Red Square
The meaning and scope of non-traditional marriages has been expanding lately all over the world, where diverse people of equally diverse cultures have been officially marrying not just other people of varying genders and quantities, but also snakes, goats, dolphins, cats, dogs, video game characters, as well as inanimate objects - dolls, pots, pillows, walls, towers, roller-coasters, or even their own cardboard cutouts.
While we wish them to live happily ever after in their progressive non-traditional relationships, we can't help but wonder why there hasn't been much progress in this regard in the United States, and what can be done to eliminate this glaring gap so that Americans wouldn't be ashamed of trailing behind the more advanced societies.
As we know, the solution to every problem is benevolent government intervention. We need to raise awareness and promote policies that would encourage the spreading of non-traditional marriages in our country through government subsidies and other forms of assistance. This includes increased food stamp rations and employment quotas for non-traditionally-married, free pet food and government reimbursement for custom-made beds, cages, water tanks, terrariums, and other intimate arrangements.
We will also need to modify our healthcare system - merge human and animal hospitals, retrain doctors and medical personnel, and add a provision to the Affordable Healthcare Act that would allow to include both animals and inanimate objects into government-subsidized insurance plans regardless of pre-existing conditions.
A massive diversity and sensitivity training program must also be instituted by the government, to ensure inclusiveness and acceptance. This will also help further to delegitimize and marginalize haters and other non-compliant elements in our society. That will be, perhaps, the most literal implementation of the most recent Party slogan, "Love Trumps Hate."
The funds for all the above can be easily obtained through an additional marriage tax, paid by those citizens who practice traditional marriage, which is something to be discouraged for the common good. For this to happen, of course, Hillary needs to win the White House, because president Trump will never allow such a program. This alone makes him a hater and a bigot, which is why the Party directs us to hate him with all our hearts.
As with every socially beneficial initiative, we need to lead by example. Therefore, all People's Cube members are now encouraged to enter in loving non-traditional marriages with various individuals, plants, animals, inanimate objects, etc. - let the sky be the limit! Such members will get increased weekly food and vodka rations, redistributed from those members who are too slow to respond to the Party initiative and neglect to immediately fall in love with and marry a non-traditional person, object, or animal.
Work on those quotas, comrades! Do not hurt our chances to get the diversity trophy for this year. We all know what the stakes are. Report on your progress below.
Reported by Hammer & Loupe with additional reporting by Comrade Red Square
