11/24/2016, 8:54 pm
As Democrats seek to regroup, ISIS leader Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi (D-Mosul) has risen as a top contender for DNC chair.
A few names have emerged from inside chatter of a DNC overhaul following President-elect Donald Trump's Election Day blindside. Until now, the candidates to take the reins from interim DNC chair Donna Brazile include Howard Dean; Martin O'Malley, and Keith Ellison, a Muslim congressman from Minnesota. But a new name has risen in the past few days, one which promises the end of chaos, disunity, and factional infighting.
"Hillary is done for, along with her theme of women running a man's world," an unnamed DNC insider has told reporters. "Look at the mess Debby and Donna have put us in. Now that Hillary is gone, too, there's no more reason to pretend women are capable of running the DNC and we can safely discard them like the trash we think they are. Our candidates are only male now because it's time for a man, a strongman if you will, to enforce discipline and lead us towards victory with an iron fist."
But which man will it be? Not Howard Dean, and certainly not Martin O'Malley, though technically he seems to fit the definition of a male, at least in the anatomical sense. And since most Democratic strategists believe their party had lost because it was not sufficiently inclusive, there was a need to double down on that front as well, minus the women who seem to ruin everything.
Therefore, Democrats at the highest level have decided to go beyond Keith Ellison and nominate his superior, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi (D-Mosul), for the top job. In addition to being a non-white Muslim alpha male with extreme views and agenda, Dr. Baghdadi is also uniquely positioned to streamline the delivery of top secret information directly to ISIS, eliminating the traumatizing email scandals related to unsecure private servers, hacking, and WikiLeaks revelations.
In contrast, Abu Bakr al-Baghdadi's DNC chairmanship will be a fail-safe solution to eliminate the hacking of DNC communications as the transmittal of all confidential information, including war strategy reports, will go to America's enemies directly via security briefings, without leaving a detectable paper or electronic trail.
"The DNC and the Muslim Brotherhood have so much in common that embracing it will only benefit us both," the DNC insider continued. "Take, for example, al-Qaeda's recently revealed plan to kill the United States not through military attacks, but through immigration and out-breeding non-Muslims, following the installation of Sharia law. That's an exciting new voting bloc for the Democratic Party right there."
"It's a win-win solution for both DNC and the Muslim Brotherhood," the DNC insider told reporters during Thanksgiving.
Additional reporting by Kommissar Chernobylski
