12/18/2016, 6:08 pm
Empress Catherine the Great's imperial hackers managed to get through the rather primitive security on private servers owned by various Virginia colonial governors. They invented an entire fake history of Yury Washingtonov, allowing him to easily fit into the upper echelons of British colonial society.
Virginia governors typically kept their private servers in their bathrooms. This was despite policy decrees dating back as far as Queen Elizabeth I that all servers containing sensitive data should be kept in secure facilities, or at least strongly fortified castles.
"The British colonial leadership was so naive that we didn't even bother making up a name for our agent. We just translated his name into a more British sounding name and there you have it," stated emails on a Russian server recently uncovered in a shipwreck found in the Black Sea.
Misled by Washingtonov's fictional profile, the Continental Congress quite ironically put an agent of the ruling Russian dynasty in charge of the Continental Army to fight against British royalty. If anyone did suspect something, their computers and smartphones would be infected with malware by Imperial Russian hackers, they would be outed to the British as revolutionaries, and would therefore lose everything.
Fixated on making Russia a strong world power, Catherine the Great took the British down a peg by having them lose colonies not to a rival European power, but to the colonists themselves. Thinking ahead, by having her agent Yury Washingtonov influence the creation of the U.S. Constitution and conveniently become the country's first president, slowly but surely the United States would eventually become a puppet regime of the Romanovs and be subsumed by the Russian Empire.
Other known conspirators in their American name format were Alexander Hamilton, James Madison, and even Benjamin Franklin. When Alexander Hamilton thought of spilling the beans on the plot, another Alexander, that is, Czar Alexander I, ordered his agent Aaron Burrsky -- who was the US Vice President at the time -- to "take care of" the matter in 1804 with a duel.
Yakov Madisonov later became president and continued the slow drift towards the US becoming a Romanov puppet regime. Seward buying Alaska some decades later was designed to make people think Russia had no further interest in North America -- and to get some much needed cash. Since Russia had full control of U.S. leaders and had been hacking elections from day one, they were in charge with or without officially owning land on the continent.
While the fall of the Romanov dynasty had not been envisioned by Catherine the Great, the plot still continued to unfold. In four different elections, Communist hackers made sure Franklin Delano Roosevelt would win. Later they hacked the 1964 election to ensure Lyndon Johnsonov won. After server security was beefed up in 1972, however, Russian attempts to put in Yury McBigGovernment resulted in a colossal failure. The same problem happened in 1984 when Communists attempted to install Walter Mondale. Old Communists pining for the good old days may have even been involved in hacking the 2008 election.
In more recent times, the Democratic Party has found evidence that the government of Vladimir Putin hacked the 2016 election to install Donald Trump. The party feels that since Trump is a racist, xenophobic, homophobic, fascist, misogynist, liar, and evil rich white male, naturally even longtime red states like Wyoming, Kansas, Nebraska, and of course the "rust belt" states like Pennsylvania, Ohio, Michigan, and Wisconsin should have gone to their candidate, Hillary Clinton. Truly she should have been 50 points ahead and won all 50 states. They assert the Russians went so far as to hack thousands upon thousands of counties, flipping them from blue to red.
"We take these notes from a Black Sea shipwreck very seriously," an anonymous administration source commented. "If George Washington was truly an agent of Empress Catherine the Great in a plot to make this great country a puppet regime of the Romanov Dynasty, it would show the Constitution is tainted!"
"We need to reconsider the Constitution, particularly amendments like term limits for the presidency, or even four year presidential terms and all these messy elections," the source continued. "If the sitting president is still fit to serve, why do we need another one on some arbitrary date? In the name of freedom from Russian influence, we need to retroactively rethink the entire election process."
Servers recovered from Black Sea shipwrecks do seem to imply that Catherine the Great's government was involved in widespread hacking all over the world in an attempt to make Russia a dominant power. To date, nothing has been found of the mysterious Russian agent named Yury Washingtonov. It is probable that any servers with his real life information were hacked - like with an ax.
