The People's Cube - Political Satire

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Producers of the Bond franchise have leaked the exciting news that Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton will star in a future installment of the spy series, which started in 1962. Provisional title is Losers are Forever. Tim Burton will direct.

The producers felt confident that Obama and Clinton would be convincing on the big screen based on their highly successful impersonations as president of the United States and secretary of state, respectively. The action is expected to put their many skills to good use, e.g., how to hook a golf ball into the woods (Obama), how to wipe an email server with a cloth (Clinton), and how to lie with a straight face (both).

Obama will play Bond. The former president will adopt a British accent and has agreed to stop sashaying like a pimp. He will not be doing his own stunts.

Clinton will play Bond girl Illaria Rodonova, a former KGB operative who saw the light when a sizable bank account materialized in Switzerland.

In keeping with the film's politically correct orientation, Rodonova will be in a wheel chair sporting blue glasses. There will be no close-ups of Bond and Rodonova kissing. Stunt doubles will be used in bedroom scenes.

Obama requested that Bond utter “You didn't build that” several times; while Clinton requested that Rodonova utter “What difference at this point does it make” several times. The writers are trying to figure out how to work these gems into the story.

Bond's arch enemy in the movie will be Ronaldo Thumper, a real estate tycoon who plots to buy all the golf courses in the world. ISIS operatives – and Bernie Sanders in a cameo – will aid Bond's efforts. Thumper's assistants will be white, male, and Republican.

Henny Bogan wrote:Obama will play Bond. The former president will adopt a British accent

He doesn't need to adopt it as he already speaks Queen's English at home, according to Best Obama Facts:

Best Obama Facts wrote:When Obama relaxes at home with his family he switches to a British accent.

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Thumper's No. 1 hitman: Nitup. A hybrid of a Siberian Cossack à la Ourumov and a bare-chested Kamchatkan Samurai in the style of Oddjob. One of Niput's killing methods is ‒ faintly resembling Oddjob, indeed ‒ a cobra-like shot of a heavy duty Siberian ushanka, model GULAG. The target is suffocated, and the stink of the fur (Soviet bear, tanned under Communism) does the rest. Nitup is, above all, after all things electronic.

Nitup's counterpart on the Bond/Illaria side is Destapo. Ascetic, of jesuitic appearance ‒ thin-lipped, basilisk eyes, crooked condescending smile. (The actor to play that part should actually have former Gestapo-man impersonation(s) under his belt. You know ‒ razor-cut lips, frosty eyes, and that Vee haff vays smile.) Destapo's attempts to expose Nitup fail badly ‒ given that the latter struts around near naked, all the time.

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:.
Thumper's No. 1 hitman: Nitup. A hybrid of a Siberian Cossack à la Ourumov and a bare-chested Kamchatkan Samurai in the style of Oddjob. One of Niput's killing methods is ‒ faintly resembling Oddjob, indeed ‒ a cobra-like shot of a heavy duty Siberian ushanka, model GULAG. The target is suffocated, and the stink of the fur (Soviet bear, tanned under Communism) does the rest. Nitup is, above all, after all things electronic.

I must admit that stung a little Comrade Dummkopf. I am smiling a smile of knowing that is not reflected by my eyes. Please meet me at my dacha in the very secluded forest please. Wait for me beside the road, you will know of my arrival.

Obond 007, license to regulate to death.

Major Ursa Vitnopants wrote:

Genosse Dummkopf wrote:... a cobra-like shot of a heavy duty Siberian ushanka, model GULAG. The target is suffocated, and the stink of the fur (Soviet bear, tanned under Communism) does the rest ...

I must admit that stung a little Comrade Dummkopf. I am smiling a smile of knowing that is not reflected by my eyes. Please meet me at my dacha in the very secluded forest please. Wait for me beside the road, you will know of my arrival.

but.. but.. but you, Highly Esteemed Comrade Ursa Vitnopants, you for sure are :
(a) not "tanned" in an way, korrekt? _aaaaand :
(b) even if, then not under (Soviet) Communism, ah?

That aside, there is no doubt of the greatness of Ursa in post-Communism ‒ as you can see here.

Further, I was familiar ‒ indeed, fascinated ‒ by URSUS since my kiddie days, and I vividly remember their, uh, language : tooka-tooka took-took-took-took tooka-tooka-tooka-tooka!

And concerning that "heavy duty Siberian ushanka", we could change the screenplay to let the ushanka be made of, say, squirrels (oh no, mon Marx, quel embarras!), ok, of.. of... of.... ‒ uh, Lenin's overcomb???


P.S. Wanna see URSUS in action?
go here and search for Magdalena (and Clara-1950, along with Magda, also rode an URSUS).

Comrade Dummkopf, I thank you greatly for the picture of the great and merciful Vladimir and I during the headier days of our youth. For this reminder I share the last of my beet vodka with you and wish you a long and healthy life. I see no need for you to take such a perilous journey to my dacha.

nu, tak ‒ za zdarov'ye, Comrade Ursa!