6/26/2017, 9:37 pm
First it was believed to be a missing link in the chain of hominid evolution in 1908, then it was alleged to be a total hoax in 1953. But recent investigations into the remains of Piltdown Man may have revealed the Russian colluder who stole the 2016 US presidential election from Hillary Clinton and assured an unfair Trump victory. Dr. Charles Pelham Fraser-Binghampton of the University of Edinburgh's prestigious paleontology department made the stunning discovery with the assistance of Professor Yuri “Covfefe” Leonov of Moscow State University.
“I was utterly gobsmacked,” said Fraser-Binghampton, “One day you think, ‘O this thing's just an old hoax,' and then you do the DNA analysis and get these totally unexpected results. I bought the old line that this was a patchwork of different fragments of human and ape remains, but CNN and the BBC kept insisting that there was collusion between Russia and Trump in the last presidential election. Logically, I thought to myself that in light of this new evidence, Piltdown Man needs another look. I couldn't believe what we discovered next.”
“What we found, I must admit, proved the whole collusion theory,” said Professor Leonov. “DNA and small decal analysis show that skull is mostly Russian, and pre-Revolution Russian at that, so we can rule out Soviet collusion from the start. The jaw is unmistakably American, so that is the proof of the Russian brain controlling American jaw. The jaw is very large, so you see it ‘trumps' size of ordinary human jaw. Bam! There is proof staring you in the face.”
A tweet from President Trump dismissed the whole notion saying, “This is fake paleontology, very fake paleontology. Sad. Hey, Fraser-Binghampton and Leonov, you're fired!”
When asked how Piltdown Man could have affected an election several decades after his long dead remains were discovered, Leonov gave some cautious sideways glances and leaned toward the microphone: “Might have been a witness. Putin wanted to be sure.”
In the meantime, Rachel Maddow promises to tease her audience for at least a week before revealing the strongest evidence yet of widespread Russian tampering in the last presidential election.
