The People's Cube - Political Satire

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Pregnant Russian Woman Gives Birth in Forest While Officers Fight off Bears

Aleksandra Matrosova was outside the town of Mirny in Yakutia Republic over the weekend when she went into labor and was forced to give birth to her child in the woods. According to local officials, police officers had to be called out to defend her and her family from a group of bears that had been following them. Rescue workers say that Matrosova, who was 40 weeks pregnant, made a reckless decision in accompanying her family on a routine fishing trip.

“I decided to help my husband and relatives with fishing,” she told the Komsomolskaya Pravda newspaper. “The lake was not too far, but the road was impassable.”

Matrosova says that when she first felt the labor pangs, her family attempted to drive her to a local hospital but their SUV got stuck in the swampy conditions. The group called for emergency personnel and then decided to leave the vehicle—which ended up being a bad choice. As Matrosova and her family waited for police and medical workers to arrive, a group of bears picked up their scent and moved in to investigate. Perhaps it was the scent of fish, but the bears ended up hounding the family for hours. Rescue workers described the situation as one of the most unique they have ever experienced.

The officers used her shovel spade, of course. Even the bears know how deadly and painful it can be.

The downside of all this is that, in a few years, we can all look forward to getting WHACKed by Pinkie Junior...

Yakutia is in Eastern Siberia, which is comparable to Alaska. Its native people, the Yakuts, look pretty much like one of the doctors in the above picture.

There is a Russian joke describing the Yakutian toilet.

The Yakutian toilet consists of two long sticks. One stick you must plant into the snowdrift and hold onto it so the wind doesn't blow you away while you do your business. And with the second stick you beat off the wolves.

Or, in this case, the bears.

Bearphobia!!!!! What part of "following" requires defending against?

Major Ursa Vitnopants wrote:Bearphobia!!!!! What part of "following" requires defending against?

Indeed! And note that they speak of the bears as "hounding" the people. Are they now calling the bears "dogs"? Are they denying these bears their chosen ursine identity?

Red Square wrote:Yakutia is in Eastern Siberia, which is comparable to Alaska. Its native people, the Yakuts, look pretty much like one of the doctors in the above picture.

There is a Russian joke describing the Yakutian toilet.

The Yakutian toilet consists of two long sticks. One stick you must plant into the snowdrift and hold onto it so the wind doesn't blow you away while you do your business. And with the second stick you beat off the wolves.

Or, in this case, the bears.

Comparable to Alaska, he says. I wonder why no one here has yet dared to crack a few Sarah Palin jokes and call me a “Mama Grizzly.” I suppose you all fear the shovel, and so you should!

This whole incident highlights the need for more Planned Parenthood clinics and with it, further health care reform. In fact, that's why I went blundering into the woods in the first place—well, that and in the hopes I might have a chance encounter with Hillary. But had I delivered my little clump of cells in a hospital, no one would have noticed. It's bad enough no one even noticed I was pregnant to begin with. But births in back seats of taxis and aboard airplanes and in kayaks going over waterfalls—those always get lots of media attention, and phone calls from Obama, at least when he was in office.

The first we knew we were bogged down in a swamp was when my labor pains got really bad, and my mother, Yelling Yelena, mentioned that in her day, they always put a knife under the bed to cut the pain in two. My boyfriend (not the baby daddy, in case you're all wondering, not that it's any of your business) was told to put his knife under the SUV. In sank into the mire, never to be seen again. My pains only worsened.

Then our Uber driver told us we'd have to abandon the vehicle. Quite aside from the fact that it was stuck in the mud, he didn't want any mess from the impending childbirth to get all over his precious upholstery. Like he wasn't already going to have to run that whole jalopy through the car wash ten times just to remove the exterior muck!

So there I was, giving birth in the woods with one shovel stuck in the mud for me to hang onto so I didn't sink into the bog along with my boyfriend's knife, while with the other shovel I was beating off the bears. Only I don't understand why they would've been attracted by any stench of fish, since we didn't catch any.

A Planned Parenthood clinic would've come in very handy in those woods, if some Republican governor didn't shut it down first and make me travel all the way from Siberia to Belarus just to exercise my reproductive rights to halt reproduction midstream (where, by the way, I had my last baby and got a phone call from Obama, who commiserated with my punishment and promised to raise the age of majority to 40 so I could continue to get welfare checks even after my son has grown up, gained 400 lbs, and taken up residence in my basement).

I'm still pissed that Trump hasn't called to congratulate me, so I can tell him exactly what I think of him and thus become a media she-ro.

And since I didn't want this baby in the first place, I expect the government to pay for its care and upbringing. I should be able to have all the sex I want without worrying about being punished with a baby and then having to pay for it for the next forty years.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: Comparable to Alaska, he says. I wonder why no one here has yet dared to crack a few Sarah Palin jokes and call me a “Mama Grizzly.” I suppose you all fear the shovel, and so you should!

This whole incident highlights the need for more Planned Parenthood clinics and with it, further health care reform. In fact, that's why I went blundering into the woods in the first place—well, that and in the hopes I might have a chance encounter with Hillary. But had I delivered my little clump of cells in a hospital, no one would have noticed. It's bad enough no one even noticed I was pregnant to begin with. But births in back seats of taxis and aboard airplanes and in kayaks going over waterfalls—those always get lots of media attention, and phone calls from Obama, at least when he was in office.

The first we knew we were bogged down in a swamp was when my labor pains got really bad, and my mother, Yelling Yelena, mentioned that in her day, they always put a knife under the bed to cut the pain in two. My boyfriend (not the baby daddy, in case you're all wondering, not that it's any of your business) was told to put his knife under the SUV. In sank into the mire, never to be seen again. My pains only worsened.

Then our Uber driver told us we'd have to abandon the vehicle. Quite aside from the fact that it was stuck in the mud, he didn't want any mess from the impending childbirth to get all over his precious upholstery. Like he wasn't already going to have to run that whole jalopy through the car wash ten times just to remove the exterior muck!

So there I was, giving birth in the woods with one shovel stuck in the mud for me to hang onto so I didn't sink into the bog along with my boyfriend's knife, while with the other shovel I was beating off the bears. Only I don't understand why they would've been attracted by any stench of fish, since we didn't catch any.

A Planned Parenthood clinic would've come in very handy in those woods, if some Republican governor didn't shut it down first and make me travel all the way from Siberia to Belarus just to exercise my reproductive rights to halt reproduction midstream (where, by the way, I had my last baby and got a phone call from Obama, who commiserated with my punishment and promised to raise the age of majority to 40 so I could continue to get welfare checks even after my son has grown up, gained 400 lbs, and taken up residence in my basement).

I'm still pissed that Trump hasn't called to congratulate me, so I can tell him exactly what I think of him and thus become a media she-ro.

And since I didn't want this baby in the first place, I expect the government to pay for its care and upbringing. I should be able to have all the sex I want without worrying about being punished with a baby and then having to pay for it for the next forty years.

Girlfriend, that's a pretty awesome rendition you penned after all you've been through, you're a she-ro in my book!

Oh, and congratulations on the baby! (I think.)

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: Then our Uber driver told us we'd have to abandon the vehicle. Quite aside from the fact that it was stuck in the mud, he didn't want any mess from the impending childbirth to get all over his precious upholstery. Like he wasn't already going to have to run that whole jalopy through the car wash ten times just to remove the exterior muck!

Silly Pinkie, Uber is for rich kapitalists who live in big city with People's Subway that is "too dirty" for them. You should have taken the People's Uber, which is the new State slogan for hopping in a boxcar with wood benches, a coal stove, and salvaged windows from totaled Ladas. I've been witness to many births on such People's Ubers, and nearly everyone on board congratulates the mother and gives her a few ration points. Some people will even give the mother Vodka! Look what you passed up by being a filthy kapitalist.

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: Then our Uber driver told us we'd have to abandon the vehicle. Quite aside from the fact that it was stuck in the mud, he didn't want any mess from the impending childbirth to get all over his precious upholstery. Like he wasn't already going to have to run that whole jalopy through the car wash ten times just to remove the exterior muck!

Silly Pinkie, Uber is for rich kapitalists who live in big city with People's Subway that is "too dirty" for them. You should have taken the People's Uber, which is the new State slogan for hopping in a boxcar with wood benches, a coal stove, and salvaged windows from totaled Ladas. I've been witness to many births on such People's Ubers, and nearly everyone on board congratulates the mother and gives her a few ration points. Some people will even give the mother Vodka! Look what you passed up by being a filthy kapitalist.

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: Then our Uber driver told us we'd have to abandon the vehicle. Quite aside from the fact that it was stuck in the mud, he didn't want any mess from the impending childbirth to get all over his precious upholstery. Like he wasn't already going to have to run that whole jalopy through the car wash ten times just to remove the exterior muck!

Silly Pinkie, Uber is for rich kapitalists who live in big city with People's Subway that is "too dirty" for them. You should have taken the People's Uber, which is the new State slogan for hopping in a boxcar with wood benches, a coal stove, and salvaged windows from totaled Ladas. I've been witness to many births on such People's Ubers, and nearly everyone on board congratulates the mother and gives her a few ration points. Some people will even give the mother Vodka! Look what you passed up by being a filthy kapitalist.

Excuse me?

EXCUSE ME?

Where do you get off calling me silly, Comrade Stierlitz? And how dare you accuse me of being a filthy capitalist! And the utter nerve of you to suggest I should travel the same way as those less equal than I am!

I am a Made Prog. I am a high-ranking Party Member. I am Commissarka Pinkie!

As such, I usually travel in my signature pink Cadillac, or Pinkiemobile, driven by my chauffeur Pedro. No way was I going to let Pedro drive my Pinkiemobile into that muck! Especially since the guy who towed us out had a Trump/Pence bumpersticker on the back of his truck. He would've turned Pedro over to that Gestapo otherwise known as ICE faster than a WaPo fact check on Trump's next tweet. Nor did I want to get mud on my pretty pink car! Hence the Uber driver, even if I don't approve of him working without joining a taxi drivers' union--I had to hold my nose the whole time till he kicked us out--but that same union wouldn't permit any taxi drivers to take me into the swamp, either.

Furthermore, I had to write my response twice--TWICE!--because the first time I was so enraged by your post that I accidentally hit the Edit button instead of the Quote button.

You know what all of this means, of course. Behold my shovel and know fear!

WHACK!!!

Damned if you don't look just like my newborn now--screaming, toothless, misshapen head, and pooping and peeing all over yourself.

You disgust me.

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:
Excuse me?

EXCUSE ME?

Where do you get off calling me silly, Comrade Stierlitz? And how dare you accuse me of being a filthy capitalist! And the utter nerve of you to suggest I should travel the same way as those less equal than I am!

I am a Made Prog. I am a high-ranking Party Member. I am Commissarka Pinkie!

As such, I usually travel in my signature pink Cadillac, or Pinkiemobile, driven by my chauffeur Pedro. No way was I going to let Pedro drive my Pinkiemobile into that muck! Especially since the guy who towed us out had a Trump/Pence bumpersticker on the back of his truck. He would've turned Pedro over to that Gestapo otherwise known as ICE faster than a WaPo fact check on Trump's next tweet. Nor did I want to get mud on my pretty pink car! Hence the Uber driver, even if I don't approve of him working without joining a taxi drivers' union--I had to hold my nose the whole time till he kicked us out--but that same union wouldn't permit any taxi drivers to take me into the swamp, either.

Furthermore, I had to write my response twice--TWICE!--because the first time I was so enraged by your post that I accidentally hit the Edit button instead of the Quote button.

You know what all of this means, of course. Behold my shovel and know fear!

WHACK!!!

Damned if you don't look just like my newborn now--screaming, toothless, misshapen head, and pooping and peeing all over yourself.

You disgust me.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Cadillacs? Immigrant labor? Thinking that she is more equal without the proper Race or Gay Card? All the hallmarks of a filthy kapitalist. And the fact that you even SPEAK of taxi driver's unions means that you are a traitor. In our People's Demokratik Respublik, there are no unions! All workers are united in labor! Unions are not Party-approved inside of Party-controlled territories according to Labor Act 682, paragraph 67, section 8, subsection F, segment W-9. And, you being a Kommisarka, are living in a Party-controlled territory. By even requiring him to join a Taxi Union, you're violating not only LA682, but also Party Act 35, which says that "every worker, being a Contributor to the Glory of the State, and united with all State workers in the Glory of Labor, shall not be required to join a formal Labor Union". You do realize that violation of ANY Party Act is grounds for charge of High Treason, don't you?

Furthermore, I'd like to know where you got the pink paint. Our paint mills only make two automotive colors: Black and Red. And only Premiers can get Red. Everybody else must get Black. The only pink paints they produce are formulated for use on paper, and cannot be used on an auto. They are engineered to not bond to metal, plastic or fibreglass. This means that you must have supported some filthy AmeriKKKan paint purveyor when you got your pink auto paint. Absolutely sickening. It's a surprise that you haven't been purged yet.

And, by the by, you didn't hit me with your shovel. You hit one of my doubles. I have them all over the place. Standard Stasi procedure. We gave him some morphine and a glass of milk and now he's back on the streets, good as before. Now calm down, another standard Stasi procedure is to take komissars and komissarkas who rock the boat or whack too many people and send them to that great labor camp in the sky.

Comrade Stierlitz does not seem to understand the Second Law of Communism:

Some are more equal than the others.

Gonna miss him.

Mikhail Lysenkomann wrote:Comrade Stierlitz does not seem to understand the Second Law of Communism:

Some are more equal than the others.

Gonna miss him.

Indeed. Commissarka Pinkie's shovel is an awesome thing, a doubleplusequal thing, Lenin wot.

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:

Commissarka Pinkie wrote:
Excuse me?

EXCUSE ME?

Where do you get off calling me silly, Comrade Stierlitz? And how dare you accuse me of being a filthy capitalist! And the utter nerve of you to suggest I should travel the same way as those less equal than I am!

I am a Made Prog. I am a high-ranking Party Member. I am Commissarka Pinkie!

As such, I usually travel in my signature pink Cadillac, or Pinkiemobile, driven by my chauffeur Pedro. No way was I going to let Pedro drive my Pinkiemobile into that muck! Especially since the guy who towed us out had a Trump/Pence bumpersticker on the back of his truck. He would've turned Pedro over to that Gestapo otherwise known as ICE faster than a WaPo fact check on Trump's next tweet. Nor did I want to get mud on my pretty pink car! Hence the Uber driver, even if I don't approve of him working without joining a taxi drivers' union--I had to hold my nose the whole time till he kicked us out--but that same union wouldn't permit any taxi drivers to take me into the swamp, either.

Furthermore, I had to write my response twice--TWICE!--because the first time I was so enraged by your post that I accidentally hit the Edit button instead of the Quote button.

You know what all of this means, of course. Behold my shovel and know fear!

WHACK!!!

Damned if you don't look just like my newborn now--screaming, toothless, misshapen head, and pooping and peeing all over yourself.

You disgust me.

Ha ha ha ha ha. Cadillacs? Immigrant labor? Thinking that she is more equal without the proper Race or Gay Card? All the hallmarks of a filthy kapitalist. And the fact that you even SPEAK of taxi driver's unions means that you are a traitor. In our People's Demokratik Respublik, there are no unions! All workers are united in labor! Unions are not Party-approved inside of Party-controlled territories according to Labor Act 682, paragraph 67, section 8, subsection F, segment W-9. And, you being a Kommisarka, are living in a Party-controlled territory. By even requiring him to join a Taxi Union, you're violating not only LA682, but also Party Act 35, which says that "every worker, being a Contributor to the Glory of the State, and united with all State workers in the Glory of Labor, shall not be required to join a formal Labor Union". You do realize that violation of ANY Party Act is grounds for charge of High Treason, don't you?

Furthermore, I'd like to know where you got the pink paint. Our paint mills only make two automotive colors: Black and Red. And only Premiers can get Red. Everybody else must get Black. The only pink paints they produce are formulated for use on paper, and cannot be used on an auto. They are engineered to not bond to metal, plastic or fibreglass. This means that you must have supported some filthy AmeriKKKan paint purveyor when you got your pink auto paint. Absolutely sickening. It's a surprise that you haven't been purged yet.

And, by the by, you didn't hit me with your shovel. You hit one of my doubles. I have them all over the place. Standard Stasi procedure. We gave him some morphine and a glass of milk and now he's back on the streets, good as before. Now calm down, another standard Stasi procedure is to take komissars and komissarkas who rock the boat or whack too many people and send them to that great labor camp in the sky.

Doubles?

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: WHACK!!!

It's sort of like the DUI after a NASCAR race...you know it's going happen, you just hope it's somebody else.

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: WHACK!!!

It's sort of like the DUI after a NASCAR race...you know it's going happen, you just hope it's somebody else.

Looks painful too!!

Clara Illbustyourballs Zetkin wrote:

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: WHACK!!!

It's sort of like the DUI after a NASCAR race...you know it's going happen, you just hope it's somebody else.

Looks painful too!!

I couldn't help but notice this in the suggested videos bar:

Comrade Stierlitz wrote:

Commissarka Pinkie wrote: Then our Uber driver told us we'd have to abandon the vehicle. Quite aside from the fact that it was stuck in the mud, he didn't want any mess from the impending childbirth to get all over his precious upholstery. Like he wasn't already going to have to run that whole jalopy through the car wash ten times just to remove the exterior muck!

Silly Pinkie, Uber is for rich kapitalists who live in big city with People's Subway that is "too dirty" for them. You should have taken the People's Uber, which is the new State slogan for hopping in a boxcar with wood benches, a coal stove, and salvaged windows from totaled Ladas.

So ... Lyft?

Commissarka Pinkie!
Ha! Now I know why Comrade Red Square referred to you as AWOL in an earlier post. I am so happy for you. Really. And all this time I thought you just might have reached a saturation point here at The Cube. You are one helluva shero! I admire you greatly for providing us with yet another Proggie! And, I admire you for just being you.
Love, Pammie