The People's Cube - Political Satire

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A major California university saw its entire student body triggered at the sight of an apple hanging on an apple tree in the horticultural department's experimental orchard.

"Seeing the apple hanging there was just too symbolic of the lynchings during the Jim Crow era," said one student. Another added, "I just don't feel safe with that apple hanging there. The university should be a place of safety and learning, and what we are learning is that we are not safe. Remember the terrible accident that happened to Isaac Newton? This school must take steps to make sure this doesn't happen to any one of us."

Once the entire student body was alerted on social media about the hanging apple, the students unanimously decided to declare apples racist and to ban them from campus before they sought refuge with coloring books and school-issued teddy bears.

"Every student is issued a 'security bear' at the beginning of the year," said one administrator. "Even the cafeteria and other food service establishments on campus are affected. No apples are allowed."

The campus atheists chimed in, reminding that the apple has biblical implications with "that Adam and Eve stuff," which means having apples on campus violates the separation of church and state. When told that the school was a private entity not subject to constitutional provisions, the students responded with a barrage of apples hurled towards the reporter, shouting "hater" and "Nazi."

The computer science department resolved the dilemma of using Apple computers by placing "happy face" stickers over any of the iconic Apple logos and distributing free stickers to students who were encouraged to cover the apple insignia on their iPhones, iPads, and iPods. "I know it's about the actual fruit," said the director of the computer program, "but we cannot risk anyone else getting re-triggered at the sight of its shape."

It is understood that other universities are also banning apples as part of a student solidarity movement.

"We're all too familiar with the Newton fiasco," said a statement issued by the Progressive Student Alliance. "We won't allow this tragedy to repeat with any member of our academic community and have him or her come up with a radical idea that would unsettle the students and challenge the settled science."

"Hanging on tree" - yeah, that's hyper-triggering.
But Newton??? isn't he just a white male? and a dead one?

Well, Genosse, you certainly have earned your surname today. He's a WHITE MALE. Dead or alive, that makes him a racist. Duh!

The apple was very korrectly banned from all universities, as we can't get any students adequately re-programmed when they are in a melt-down threatening panic.
I therefore request that the Kollective not be fruitophobic, and ban all species of sweet natural treats. Thank you for your Most Equal consideration!

In the category of "Life Imitating The Cube", we have this entry:

There are places in the U.S. where the term 'apple' is a derogatory/racist term. American Indians use the term to describe someone who is 'red on the outside and white on the inside'.

Ivan Betinov wrote:Well, Genosse, you certainly have earned your surname today. ...

I solidarize with your samokritika-inducing thought, Comrade!






Evening, after muster, when get my tepid kasha ration, I share some kasha with you!

KASHA CARE GOOD! KASHA PROTEIN GOOD! KASHA BRAIN GOOD!

Comradelately wrote:... request that the Kollective not be fruitophobic, and ban all species of sweet natural treats.

But in that Fruity Revolution, an exception must hold for waddymelon, ja?

Comrade Geosse Dummkopf,
Thank you for korrecting my thoughtless oversight! Of course we must have waddymelon in order to properly celebrate The Common Good ™, and Perfect Equality.
Besides, it tastes good.
Your Comradelately

If waddymelons grew on trees and fell down instead of apples, imagine how much faster humans would have discovered the concept of gravitation! Our scientific progress would have been much faster and in more diverse areas of the world.

It's unfair that apples only grow in moderate climates, giving the Europeans (and their descendents) an unfair advantage in scientific discoveries, pie baking, cider making, and calvados imbibing.

Warren Peas wrote:... the term 'apple' is a derogatory/racist term. American Indians use the term to describe someone who is 'red on the outside and white on the inside'.

I denounce NABISCO, maker and distributor of the Oreo cookie, black on the outside, oppressor white on the inside, for the above listed logical argument!



and for our "guilt by association" contribution, they are customarily served with WHITE milk produced by methane-emitting cows! STOP THE RACISM!

And what of the fig NEWTON, that tribute to white male hegemony of the sciences?

We can say that Fig Newton, Isaac's less successful younger brother, was a bad apple. Wait a cotton-pickin' minute... Can we say "bad apple" since that assumes there can be good apples? And can we say "a cotton-pickin' minute"? The Current Truth changes so fast, my square head spins!

Most Equal Comrade Red Square,
I think perhaps the word "pickaninny" must be avoided also.
Good news on the Waddymelon, Comrade Gennosse Dummkopf! Waddymelons are more closely related to inoffensive squash than apples, and have already been endorsed by Should Be POTUS, Hillary Clinton, as we see here:

https://desertpeace.files.wordpress.com ... ntsuit.jpg

I propose to replace the phrase "Wait a cotton-pickin' minute" with "Wait a nit-pickin' minute." Because the pickers of nit will always be welcome in the Progressive movement as long as the nit is being picked on the other side of it.

Most Equal Comrade Red Square,
I bow my head in salute to your Logic and Wisdom.
Your Comradelately