1/18/2018, 6:52 pm
For the common good, Michael Bloomberg proposes to surgically remove gradeschoolers' forefingers
New York, NY -- Speaking to an assembly of gun control activists this Tuesday, Michael Bloomberg, the CEO of Mayors Against Legal Guns, pointed his forefinger at the crowd and said: "This is a gun. If it looks like a gun, points like a gun, and has fingernails, it is a gun."
Cheered on by an audience of everyday middle-class Democrats, Communists, Antifa, and ordinary unionized working families carrying red flags with the hammer & sickle and wearing Che T-shirts, Bloomberg added: "We need to have an intelligent conversation about dangerous forefingers and anything that can point. We need to license forefingers and have a background check for existing forefingers not yet amputated."
A reporter from the New York Times wearing a "Hillary '08" badge rose to speak: "Mayor Bloomberg, is Donald Trump a Nazi?" The mayor responded, "I am not prepared to say whether or not Donald Trump is a Nazi, but I can tell you almost for sure that he's white, and therefore he must be racist. And worse, he's armed. In the first place white people should not be armed. An armed racist, possibly Nazi, and crazed. More disturbingly, white. It appears the president has a license to carry a gun and I intend to take it from him by force if necessary. We don't need no president with his finger on the trigger!"
Bloomberg pointed his finger again in the two-handed shooting position that his eight bodyguards showed him how to configure, and said: "Bang, you're dead!" at the poster of Donald Trump and Wayne LaPierre, taken at the NRA Convention. He continued, "I am not violent like you, BANG, BANG, BANG, Ra-ta-ta-ta-ta," he said, mimicking an automatic weapon Americans cannot buy except on the moon.
"I've outlawed sugar drinks in New York," Bloomberg continued. "I outlawed cigarettes in New York. I outlawed salt in New York. I want to outlaw anything that resembles guns in New York. For example, Republicans. And I will prevent Republicans from shooting Democrats by ordering the surgical removal of children's forefingers so they can neither point them and threaten society or pull a trigger with them. There's nothing in the US Constitution that will prevent us from amputating the forefingers of potential criminals, white children, and the two conservatives still left in New York State. And then I want to be your president and remove the forefingers of conservatives across the nation! No forefingers, no mass shootings! How come no one ever thought about this obvious solution to forefinger crime?"
"We will do the nationwide surgery after we have an intelligent conversation about forefingers, how to prevent forefingers from crossing state lines, and forefinger safety," concluded the former Mayor.
His aides then hanged an effigy of LaPierre and Trump and set it on fire with the crowd chanting, "Love trumps hate" and "Stop the violence," as they ran through the streets looting and vandalizing stores, sucker punching old women, and overturning cars.
