The People's Cube - Political Satire

Komrades,

A weapon is rampantly available around this country

As this Cube's now resident Asian, I used my insight to find out about this rather Asian weapon that is oftentimes not seen as a weapon here in the West.

Not only is this weapon rampantly available, it can be concealed most EFFORTLESSLY. Komrades, I am talking to you about none other than the hand fan.

For centuries, countries have used fans as weapons - for example, Japan in ancient times have used said fans in fighting, so they can carry a defensive tool in places where they must cast off weapons, so well to the point that they have a marital arts called tessenjutsu (I confess I've been an enthusiastic follower of this, though I haven't really practiced it in recent times). It involves fighting with a metal bladed hand fan called a tessen, like this one:


Dear kollektive, we the Cube must show our support for common sense fan control. Only then will we be one step closer to The Glorious World of Next Tuesday™.

Komrades, shout/show your support in the replies below!

Seriously guys though, if you really don't believe fan fighting is a thing, look at these videos. There are many possible moves, so I'll just show you all my most favourite moves (on that same note, I must seriously start practicing this stuff again...):







(I hope) you get the idea.

So this explains what happens when "the fan hits the shit."

The unlicensed carry of these weapons of mass convection must stop! I am also offended that they are almost exclusively carried by people of a little color with good math skills, excluding and marginalizing those educated by our Unionized education system.

This illustration shows how easily a chainsaw bayonet can be attached to these deadly weapons, making them even more deadlier:

.
I'll bet you'd like to pay a visit to Clara Illbustyourballs Zetkin and confiscate her 'assault fan' wouldn't you, Ivan!
(...take a sweater with you Ivan... it looks a 'bit nipply' there!)
.

Banning fans would make us more progressive than London.

Komissar al-Blogunov wrote:Banning fans would make us more progressive than London.

Indeed. We must not let London reach The Glorious World of Next Tuesday™ before us, who, unlike them, have been setting the stage for it for YEARS

Perhaps there will be a fan ban fan club? Or must clubs be banned as well? This is all very confusing.

Comrade Putout wrote:.
I'll bet you'd like to pay a visit to Clara Illbustyourballs Zetkin and confiscate her 'assault fan' wouldn't you, Ivan!
(...take a sweater with you Ivan... it looks a 'bit nipply' there!)
.

MOLON LABE

Be aware that it's 'cultural appropriation' for Westerners to employ Asian martial arts. Therefor, all peoples of European ancestry are constrained by political correctness to firearms for their defensive needs.

Comrade Whoopie wrote:Be aware that it's 'cultural appropriation' for Westerners to employ Asian martial arts. Therefore, all peoples of European ancestry are constrained by political correctness to firearms for their defensive needs.

Then again, firearms were invented in Asia, specifically China, so therefore, people of European ancestry are also constrained by political korrektness to be defenceless, or their bare hands/fists.

Common-sense bare hand/fist control coming our way in 3... 2... 1...

The People's Anthony Sullivan wrote:

Comrade Whoopie wrote:Be aware that it's 'cultural appropriation' for Westerners to employ Asian martial arts. Therefore, all peoples of European ancestry are constrained by political correctness to firearms for their defensive needs.

Then again, firearms were invented in Asia, specifically China, so therefore, people of European ancestry are also constrained by political korrektness to be defenceless, or their bare hands/fists.

Common-sense bare hand/fist control coming our way in 3... 2... 1...

In the Motherland, the instructions about unarmed hand-to-hand combat on the battlefield couldn't be clearer:

For a soldier to engage in hand-to-hand combat...

1. He needs to lose his unit.
   
2. He needs to lose his firearm.
   
3. He needs to lose his knife.
   
4. He needs to lose his spade, his belt, his armour, his helmet, and everything else he could use as a makeshift weapon.
   
5. He needs to find himself on a plain open area without any rock, wooden stick, metal shard or anything alike.
   
6. He needs to meet there another useless idiot like himself.

And only after all these conditions are met they can finally engage in a fair and square hand-to-hand.

Red Square wrote:

In the Motherland, the instructions about unarmed hand-to-hand combat on the battlefield couldn't be clearer:

For a soldier to engage in hand-to-hand combat...

1. He needs to lose his unit.
   
2. He needs to lose his firearm.
   
3. He needs to lose his knife.
   
4. He needs to lose his spade, his belt, his armour, his helmet, and everything else he could use as a makeshift weapon.
   
5. He needs to find himself on a plain open area without any rock, wooden stick, metal shard or anything alike.
   
6. He needs to meet there another useless idiot like himself.

And only after all these conditions are met they can finally engage in a fair and square hand-to-hand.

Komrade Direcktor, I saw this same scenario played out in Amerikkka many decades ago, even though a smidgen unfair on the part of the main useless idiot.