7/21/2018, 1:03 pm
PRESS RELEASE: Washington DC, Department of Justice, Office of the Deputy Attorney General
Deputy Attorney General Rod Rosenstein explained the recent arrest of an alleged Russian spy who was on a mission to create a Russian version of the NRA. She said, "Russians should also have guns to defend themselves against Liberals, Snowflakes, and Hollywood."
The NRA was also implicated in the scandal. "The NRA is now "a person of interest" said Rosenstein, "and is listed on a shortlist of Russian spies, provocateurs, saboteurs, deplorables, and people who believe the US Constitution is a founding document worthy of respect."
"No, it is not," exclaimed the deputy AG to standing ovations from MSNBC and CNN reporters, "and I proved it in my congressional testimony. I mean, who do these senators and congressmen think they are?"
The 29 year-old woman allegedly used sex to gain access to handling various firearms, and used her womanly charms to touch and fondle these sexy weapons in a suggestive way while licking her lips. According to former President Jimmy Carter who appeared from behind the curtains, "she caressed the blued steel with lust in her heart."
The indictment details how the NRA managed to get Donald Trump elected with ads against Hillary Clinton, and allegedly supported the spy's addiction to steel and polymer, brass and lead, and the smell of cordite. The NRA and its members will be charged as co-conspirators in the now unraveling conspiracy with Americans who do not hold Kenyan birth certificates. “There's a real conspiracy,” said the Deputy AG while looking at the cameras very seriously, “to keep the president in office.
The indictment of the so-called Russian spy who liked guns came right after the DOJ indicted 12 other Russians. It was timed to coincide with the president's meeting with the Russian leader in Helsinki. Some of the men listed in the indictment exist as names on the gravestones of long-deceased persons in various Russian graveyards listed as their last address.
Rosenstein then raised (what reporters presume) is the famed PP dossier in the air, the same that was timed just right for the elections of 2016. Pictured on its face is a scantily-dressed Russian model holding a men's urinal and an advertisement for Uranium-1.
The alleged spy was charged with being an unregistered agent spying for the NRA, which itself conspired with Vladimir Putin and the GRU to get Trump elected. They had a plan to unjustly screw Hillary Clinton out of her rightful role as America's legitimate queen. She allegedly spied for the Republican Party too, which, Rosenstein said, is an arm of the Kremlin and is in bed with Putin.
Named In the indictment as accessories to the crime were 63 million other Republicans who failed to vote for Hillary Clinton, even after they were informed about the decor at Trump Towers. "All these deplorables and irremediables," said Rosenstein with Bill Brennan and James Clapper by his side, "will be charged with treason and sedition in their attempt to overthrow the rights of Americans who have no guns."
"It is their constitutional right not have guns within 3000 or 7000 miles of their persons, whichever is greater." Rosenstein detailed the contents of the indictment: "We have reams of evidence in Rep Adam Schiff's bedroom in San Francisco, next to Hillary's server and battery driven sex toy," said Rosenstein, "that Russian agents infiltrated the minds of 63 million Americans who did not know what they were thinking November 7th, 2016."
Presumably that was the date when 63 million traitorous Americans who could not think for themselves decided to collude, co-operate, and conspire with fellow deplorables and Republicans, and Russians in Sheepshead Bay, Brooklyn, and pulled the lever for a New York billionaire who is overweight, has orange hair, and pudgy fingers.
Their betrayal was "distinctly un-American," Rosenstein added. Rosenstein then blurted out: "I Am With Her!" to cheers, yelps, thunderous clapping and standing ovations from the CNN and MSNBC crews, joined by the Washington Post and New York Times.
The AG continued: "Anyone who would vote for an overweight person with orange hair, pudgy fingers, and a supermodel wife has no taste in women to begin with, probably eats at better restaurants than you do, which means he has too much money and no heart and didn't pay his Fair Share, is a Republican, an NRA member, or a combination of these assaults on human decency."
“Weapons in the hands of citizens in a nation that has fewer safe spaces," said Rosenstein, "is an affront to the rights of the progressive state to decide what you are to think and when we will withhold medical care."
Before walking off the podium, the AG, with former FBI director James Comey and Robert Mueller at his side, turned to the assembled CNN, MSNBC, NY Times and Washington Post reporters and said: "We are now in possession of a dossier from the Kremlin I will give you copies of, that will prove once and for all that all 63 million American spies worked for Vladimir Putin directly. They were under his control when they infiltrated the US government at the highest levels - at polling stations across the land." "They cooperated and colluded with the Russians and the NRA all throughout the campaign and then pulled levers in 2016 dictated to them by their common sense, which is the dumbest thing one can do."
