The People's Cube - Political Satire

Great news, comrades! Because the Socialist Utopia of Next Tuesday hasn't gotten here yet, I was forced to wade into that capitalist cesspool known as Wal-Mart for an eye exam and to purchase new glasses. I saw a pair of safety frames that were sturdy, but still stylish enough for everyday use such as overseeing executions, etc. Now we get to the exciting part - OSHA requires that safety framesmustbe sold with extra thick safety lenses, that it was illegal to sell regular lenses in safety frames, and that the capitalist dogs at the vision department could be fined $50,000 for filling out my request!

I confess, comrades, that at first I burned with anger. "I'm a commissar (English spelling)!" I nearly shouted, "I could denounce all of you here and now and issue such sentences as to have you begging for death!" But then I felt a wave of shame and rebuke. Who was I to think that I was wiser than the state? Did I really think I had the right to choose my own lenses without the permission of some detached bureaucrat? Oh, the shame that such poisonous thoughts lodged in my heart! Was I willing to challenge the system that was steadily evolving since that great genius, FDR, set the New Deal in motion?

Rage gave way to shame. Shame to simpering thankfulness. Freedom to choose one's own lenses, even for a komissar (Russian transliteration), threatened to undo a whole system that was decades in the making. Couldn't I be thankful that decisions were being made for me? Thankful that the government would dictate to me what I may and may not wear? Thankful that the government cared that much about – me? Oh, comrades! Tears of joy began to stream down my cheeks as I thought, "We've nearly arrived! Next Tuesday is almost here!"

I burst into song as I stood on the counter and heartily belted out the Soviet national anthem (a small child, deeply moved, began to cry). I led the vision proletariats in Cossack dancing, but since my pupils were dilated, I did injure one worker and knocked a passerby unconscious. But surely all this can be forgiven as it was all done in praise of the Glorious State.

While I blush to confess my thoughtcrimes to the collective, I rejoice to inform one and all that things are better than I ever imagined. Intrusive bureaucracies have daily whittled away at individual freedom, which is just code for unbridled, non-centralized, capitalistic chaos, until it will one day cease altogether. Yes, things are looking up for collectivists everywhere.

Now, comrades, let us encourage one another with these happy and uplifting testimonies. Share your experience. Perhaps you wanted to build a deck on what you thought was your house, or you thought you were allowed to own a firearm to protect yourself, or you thought you could disagree with Obama without being accused of racism. Tell us about when the state saved you from yourself.

It's illegal to spit in public here....

Ewwwwww.

Did you know that if you have a diesel powered vehicle you can burn old Cooking oil in it? But did any one ever think that the taxes are not being paid to the State? That these people are hiding behind the environment so they can cheat the glorious State out of their money.

How dare they...

And yes, KGB, all money belongs to the party. We only allow them to keep some of it.

And blogunov, the party forgives you for knocking the passerby out, I am often moved to tears over the glorious comradarie that Comrade Stalin and Comrade FDR had.

Where would we be without them.

My story involves State Security.

I thank the State for making me concious of my selfish driving habits - Now am I am burdened with 3 security camera portraits on file with the People's Traffic Bureau (which has outsourced watching me to a State controlled organization who seek not monetary remuniration - but the good of the people by denouncing me).

I give a hardy "thank you" to our glorious leaders who have shown me my errors and helped me to refine my driving skills in line with the Party's vehicle operation objectives.

Now I fear for the Gulag should I run afoul of the Party again... and that means I could no longer be a functioning member of the Proletariat. Even now I am working to pay the perscribed penalty from my food ration cards.

Soon we shall be like England! Everyone observed - everyone guided - to the body Politik! Truely the State is good and just. BE ONE WITH THE CUBE!

Good thing you realized your thoughtcrime and realized The Party is greater than you. As we all know, The Party is the source of all things, and makes our choices for us.

Kommissar Blogunov, I am so sorry I am late reading the report about your plight. Your report brought tears to my cold statist heart! It was inspiring to read of how you were able to self-correct your original ThoughtCrime™ into an inspiring thesis on DoublePlusGoodThink™.

However, I noticed that you went to Wal-Mart for said glasses? Of course the State wisely dictates the sort of glasses you may purchase for a high risk area (though why a Kommissar such as your self would be in a high risk area eludes me). Naturally an important person such as your self would be miffed as to why the state in it's wisdom would not allow you the glasses you sought. However, the state is wise beyond measure. You should have went to the "special" stores set aside for the use of the Party elite only. They are of course stocked with only the goods approved by the state to eliminate any distraction from making choices etc., however, you will find the allowed choices are shall we say "more equal" than those available at the stores available to the "others."

As for my own personal experiences, I can think of no better example of the state saving me from myself than the requirement for one to wear a helmet on a motorcycle. Even all the usual arguments the state uses to mandate seat belts in cars goes "out the window" with motorcycles. After all, the state uses the unlikely, though technically plausible excuse that one must wear a seat belt in a car in case one gets in a collision and loses control of the wheel somehow, but because they are belted in, the driver remains behind the wheel and can therefore, possibly, regain control of said vehicle. However, on a Peoples Putt™, when one finds themselves in a similar situation, there is no chance for one to "stay behind the wheel." One becomes a projectile at this point. So then the state wisely mandates that a helmet. that even the most expensive are not guaranteed to not crack over speeds greater than 10 mph (they are tested by dropping from a height of 12 feet as I recall for DOT approval) in order that you be better able to kill any innocent bystander hit by your body flying through the air. Yes, the state requires this in spite of the fact that most bikers die not from head injury (which is the case in a car accident) rather from body injury, and the obvious fact that your wearing a helmet has nothing to do with the safety of others. The State is so wise in looking out for us Comrades!