10/9/2020, 10:19 am
A world-famous doctor has just issued a disturbing telediagnosis concerning U.S. president Donald Trump's health and fitness for office.
Dr. Sevina Lebhen is a renowned Nepalese physician and psychologist, and one of the most well known Jhakris in the world. A Jhakri is a traditionally trained medical professional in Nepal and northeastern India who uses a variety of non-Western techniques to diagnose and treat diseases of the mind and body.
Dr. Lebhen has invented a method of "telediagnosis"—diagnosing patients from a distance—which allows him to identify the presence of disease in individuals from any place on earth. His groundbreaking method involves the use of a technologically advanced aluminum headdress, which is used to both transmit and receive electromagnetic wavelengths emitted from the body and brain.
With the correct training, a medical practitioner can use this device in conjunction with immense concentration to focus in on a patient's electromagnetic emissions and thereby acquire information about the individual's mental and physical health. This procedure does not require the consent or awareness of the patient.
After being contacted by several members of Congress who expressed concern about the President's fitness to serve, Dr. Lebhen used his new technique to ascertain Donald Trump's state of health. Several hours later, Dr. Lebhen issued his report, which contains the following observations about President Trump:
- He is clinically insane.
- He is a psychopathic narcissist.
- He suffers from advanced heart disease and stage four liver cancer.
- He has extremely low testosterone levels.
- He suffers from social anxiety disorder and depression.
- His true height is 4'11", and he uses shoe lifts and favorable camera angles to appear taller due to being extremely height sensitive.
- He is incapable of siring offspring, and his supposed children are adopted.
- His IQ is 12.
- He is a level 10 warlock who uses mind control spells on the mentally weak.
- He possesses white, male, cisgendered, heterosexual privilege.
- He is a racist, sexist, misogynistic, homophobic, Islamophobic, transphobic, bigot.
- He secretly wishes to be a strong, independent woman of color.
- He is a major cause of climate change.
- He is unfit to serve as president of the United States.
Dr. Lebhen's telediagnosis of Donald Trump has been offered up as evidence in favor of a motion to invoke the 25th amendment, which states that the president can be removed under certain circumstances in which he "is unable to discharge the powers and duties of his office."
Due to the urgency of the situation, many have suggested that standard immigration procedures be waved to allow Dr. Lebhen to appear before Congress as an expert witness. However, an increasingly popular option would involve a socially distanced Congressional hearing which would employ Dr. Lebhen's aluminum headdress technology to allow members of Congress and the doctor to communicate telepathically. In fact, sources confirm that employees of the U.S. mint are currently hard at work manufacturing sufficient headgear for all possible participants.
As for Dr. Lebhen, he intends to make the knowledge concerning the functionality and construction of his revolutionary aluminum headdress publicly available in the near future. Despite the monetary value of his invention, he has determined that the technology should be available freely to all, due to its humanitarian significance. In any case, most of the doctor's income is actually derived from his ownership of a chain of convenience stores that bear his name.
