The People's Cube - Political Satire

Columbus, OH -- The U.S. District Court for the Southern District of Ohio declared that hippopotamuses can be considered persons from a legal standpoint this past October and activists immediately began arguing they are an oppressed minority that deserve equal rights.

The BIPOC (Black, Indigenous and People of Color) Project voted this month to change its name to the BIPOCH (BIPOC + Hippos) Project and has been seeking to undo hippo's cultural invisibility and bring about species justice. Their lines of reasoning include the following, which show the deeply discriminatory nature of the US when it comes to hippos and hippo culture:

• Hippo on hippo crime is a concerning trend. Federal crime statistics show most young, male hippos die from murder by other hippos, usually during mating season.
  
• The incarceration rate of hippos in the US is extremely high compared to all other demographics - often without due process or resulting from a flawed, white-centered justice system that perpetuates anti-'grayish-pink' stereotypes and power structures.
  
• The educational resources devoted to hippos is far below that given to prosperous (mostly white) school districts. Standardized hippo test scores in math, reading, and science are far below their non-grayish-pink counterparts. One alarming statistic stands out: by the age of 10 less than 1% of hippos can read at their grade level. This makes it difficult for them to keep up with their in-class peers in all other subjects, leading to the 'nest to zoo' pipeline observed throughout the US and parts of Mexico.

Sha Mareeka, a lead organizer at BIPOCH, summed up why their work dismantling anti-hippo-ness was so important. "Most people don't even realize how horrible they are until they hire us for a full-day or half-day shame workshop (we recommend the full-day one and give a slight discount if you consider the cost per hour). Need proof? Have you ever been in the toy aisle and noticed a game called 'Hungry, Hungry White Guys'? Yeah, didn't think so."

This procreative hippo group really knows how to get things on, Panem. The tragic story of hippopotami, captured in their prepubescent hippo prime by Pablo Escobar for his personal amusement. These then underaged and unhumanized as yet, hippos were trafficked to Columbia for pure pleasure of their new Drug OverLord, and duly elected President. All before these hippos were granted people status!!

And then, on top of that, whatever these hippos found as a new happiness overpopulating the Magdalene River, like an invasive species in need of sterilization, came to the attention of Ohio's Southern District. These now people hippos, probably deserve some Pasteurization, as well, but we'd need Vice-President Kamala to act as French accentpreter as she did at the Louis Pasteur Institute in Paris, France.

Now, to get these hippos on the perpetual mail-in-ballot, and we're pretty much done, here, circus-wise.

Right??

Correct - it seems convoluted and ridiculous at first blush, but when you dig into the story it begins to make perfect sense: Pablo Escobar + hippos + Southern Ohio District Court = more voters (D)

jackalopelipsky wrote:we'd need Vice-President Kamala to act as French accentpreter as she did at the Louis Pasteur Institute in Paris, France.

Love this! Just submitted it (with modifications) to The Urban Dictionary.

HIPPO LIVES MATTER!

Ivan the Stakhanovets wrote:HIPPO LIVES MATTER!

You said it, Ivan the Stakhanovets, as well as Ambassador to Texazistan, or is it "from" Texazistan? Either way, you said it! "HIPPO LIVES MATTER!"

And, you know what? Texazistan HAS a HIPPO LIVES MATTER! story.

HOW THE HIPPO CAME TO HUTTO TEXASZISTAN!

And, Panem, just so you know up front, a Circenses was possibly involved!! But, there always 'is' isn't there?

Ivan, these Hutto Hippos are fully gridiron compliant.


Here's some poor, uneducated Columbian Cocaine fueled hippos facing systemic sterilization because SOME Kangaroo Courts don't think Hippos are people, too.


NOT on Ohio's Southern District's watch!!!