3/4/2022, 10:53 am
Arlington, Virginia -- In the very lowest level of the Pentagon sits the Hashtag Command Center, headquarters for the Department of Defense's primary offensive weapon for the last 12 years: the US Department of Hashtag Operations (DHO). They operate in well trained two-man squads, much like sniper teams. Instead of 'sniper' and 'spotter', however, hashtag operatives have a 'typer' and a 'spell checker.'
Back when US military operations were lethal like a pointy stick, Marines and Special Operations forces were sometimes called the 'tip of the spear.' Defense policies from the last decade are more like a puff of uncomfortably hot air. The DHO is considered the business end of that puff of air - the 'tweets on the ground.'
Set up by the Obama administration shortly after his inauguration, the DHO has mostly been deployed for small surgical strikes against guerrilla and terrorist organizations. The most famous and effective campaign to date was lead by the first lady: Michelle Obama's famous strike against raping and murdering Nigerian terrorists in 2016. Like the heroine from a Tom Clancy novel, Mrs. Obama led from the front with a sad face picture of herself holding a military-grade tactical hashtag. To this day, saying the phrase "BringBackOurGirls" - with or without "hashtag" in front of it - will cause Boko Haram terrorists to start shaking in fear. Many will involuntarily soil themselves.
Rumors are buzzing around Washington that these mighty warriors may be called upon to assist with defending the Ukraine, currently under attack by Russia.
Ukrainian President Voldomyr Zelenskyy has been widely quoted for his defiant messaging, mistranslated as "I need ammunition, not a ride." What was actually said was "I need hashtags, not a ride" spurring the DHO to start preparing several hashtags from military stockpiles to be shipped to Ukraine. Offensive hashtag operations have not been authorized yet, but the world continues to offer its thoughts and prayers that they will.
