4/14/2022, 11:30 am
Hollywood, CA -- Sean Penn is putting together a team of hand-picked mercenaries to be deployed behind enemy lines in the Russian-Ukraine conflict. The team consists of Hollywood actors who have played action roles in movies and "know how to handle a prop M-16."
Mr. Penn announced the concept in an extensive interview this past week. "It's a thing I've been working on since I tried filming the documentary in Ukraine. At first I really wanted the US to send in some of the pathetic losers we have in our military. After the Biden / Afghanistan thing, it's clear nobody really cares what happens to them, right? They might as well die in Ukraine, defending freedom instead of harassing peace-loving Muslims."
He continued, "But then I figured out that I actually have no control of our foreign policy. A sad day. The only choice left is to take direct, decisive action. I talked to my agent who talked to the agents of a select, hand-picked squad of actors and we're starting it up. I mean it - the plan is to airdrop us all in a limo behind enemy lines and cause mayhem, just like the dirty dozen. It might sound a little ridiculous at first, but I'm no stranger to violence and can handle myself. You remember how I sucker-punched photographers in the 80s, man? That was no joke - that was real. I'll be fine."
He went on to mention some of the people involved and their role on the team. Here is a summary of the team so far:
"Let me say first: we can't fail - we have Rambo. Yeah, Stallone signed up immediately and is still in great shape. You'd never guess he's 79."
"My role will be Captain Miller, from Saving Private Ryan - conflicted and weary of the war, but determined to press on and do my duty. I considered a reprise of Jeff Spicoli, but I really wanted to be in charge, and Spicoli's motivation just wasn't there for something like that."
"We tried getting Michael J. Fox - he and I served together in Vietnam - but unfortunately he's in no shape for combat anymore. Bruce Willis was considered - not much military experience, but a real butt-kicker anyhow. He has health issues now, too, so he's out. Duane Johnson was asked, but the guy is working on 14 films right now, couldn't commit."
"We did get Robert Downey Jr, who is going to play his Kirk Lazarus character from Tropic Thunder, but this time not in blackface. It is 2022, after all."
"Alex Baldwin has signed up, assuming he can get permission to leave the country from the DA's office. He's the only one of us who has actually killed someone, so his experience will be helpful for the rest of us as we work through the conflicting emotions we're sure to experience."
"We're still on the lookout for a hard-boiled Sergeant to keep the men in line, a gunny-type guy. I wish Lee Ermey was still alive - he had acting and military experience, just the perfect person."
"We just need two more to round out the team: a wise-cracking sniper - preferably someone black to add a little diversity - and a beautiful young woman who is attractively aloof and good with explosives. I'm not picky about the hair color, we have makeup people to turn her into a brunette if she isn't already."
"Otherwise, we are ready to go. We have costumes - I mean uniforms, ammunition, and an assortment of legal, registered firearms - no bump stocks, expanded capacity clips, or anything scary like that, of course. My personal chef made up the MREs for us - all 100% organic, earth-friendly, sustainable-sourced seafood and low-fat chicken, with plenty of Vegan options. Don't worry, Ukraine - help is on the way."
Mr. Penn announced the concept in an extensive interview this past week. "It's a thing I've been working on since I tried filming the documentary in Ukraine. At first I really wanted the US to send in some of the pathetic losers we have in our military. After the Biden / Afghanistan thing, it's clear nobody really cares what happens to them, right? They might as well die in Ukraine, defending freedom instead of harassing peace-loving Muslims."
He continued, "But then I figured out that I actually have no control of our foreign policy. A sad day. The only choice left is to take direct, decisive action. I talked to my agent who talked to the agents of a select, hand-picked squad of actors and we're starting it up. I mean it - the plan is to airdrop us all in a limo behind enemy lines and cause mayhem, just like the dirty dozen. It might sound a little ridiculous at first, but I'm no stranger to violence and can handle myself. You remember how I sucker-punched photographers in the 80s, man? That was no joke - that was real. I'll be fine."
He went on to mention some of the people involved and their role on the team. Here is a summary of the team so far:
"Let me say first: we can't fail - we have Rambo. Yeah, Stallone signed up immediately and is still in great shape. You'd never guess he's 79."
"My role will be Captain Miller, from Saving Private Ryan - conflicted and weary of the war, but determined to press on and do my duty. I considered a reprise of Jeff Spicoli, but I really wanted to be in charge, and Spicoli's motivation just wasn't there for something like that."
"We tried getting Michael J. Fox - he and I served together in Vietnam - but unfortunately he's in no shape for combat anymore. Bruce Willis was considered - not much military experience, but a real butt-kicker anyhow. He has health issues now, too, so he's out. Duane Johnson was asked, but the guy is working on 14 films right now, couldn't commit."
"We did get Robert Downey Jr, who is going to play his Kirk Lazarus character from Tropic Thunder, but this time not in blackface. It is 2022, after all."
"Alex Baldwin has signed up, assuming he can get permission to leave the country from the DA's office. He's the only one of us who has actually killed someone, so his experience will be helpful for the rest of us as we work through the conflicting emotions we're sure to experience."
"We're still on the lookout for a hard-boiled Sergeant to keep the men in line, a gunny-type guy. I wish Lee Ermey was still alive - he had acting and military experience, just the perfect person."
"We just need two more to round out the team: a wise-cracking sniper - preferably someone black to add a little diversity - and a beautiful young woman who is attractively aloof and good with explosives. I'm not picky about the hair color, we have makeup people to turn her into a brunette if she isn't already."
"Otherwise, we are ready to go. We have costumes - I mean uniforms, ammunition, and an assortment of legal, registered firearms - no bump stocks, expanded capacity clips, or anything scary like that, of course. My personal chef made up the MREs for us - all 100% organic, earth-friendly, sustainable-sourced seafood and low-fat chicken, with plenty of Vegan options. Don't worry, Ukraine - help is on the way."