8/20/2023, 3:11 pm
Russian news host, Vladimir Solovyov, has proudly announced the smashing success of what Vladimir Putin is calling the "Special Lunar Operation." It has been reported that the Russian spacecraft, Luna 25, has landed exactly on schedule and precisely where it was aiming. "Now we begin the denazification and the liberation of the moon," said Putin to a meeting of the Duma - news that was received with spontaneous and prolonged applause.
Putin then cleared his throat, a gesture that was received with even more spontaneous and prolonged applause. Putin went on to explain that the moon had asked Russia "to help" and that he could no longer stand idle while the moon was suffering under an illegal occupation of Western powers. Citing the crash landing of Lunik II in 1959, Putin went on to say that Russia has a historic claim to the moon, and that any other claims to lunar territory would be viewed as hostile and provocative acts.
"If anyone else meddles in what is rightfully our territory," said Putin, "we will consider every option to defend what is ours. We are not bluffing!"
The Duma erupted into spontaneous and prolonged applause followed by chants of "Ro-si-ya! Ro-si-ya! Ro-si-ya!"
Tucker Carlson weighed in also referencing Russia's historical claim to the moon. Carlson argued that Russia is merely protecting its own territory, and the moon was only getting what it deserved by provoking Russia into action. "The moon has always been pro-Russian," said Carlson, "and the West overthrew the legitimate claim of Russia by sending Neil Armstrong to the moon to buy influence and make it pro-western against its will."
Sergei Lavrov, Russia's foreign minister, said Russia had to act as fascist, imperialist nations were planning on setting up biolabs on the moon. Speaking during a visit to Mali, Lavrov said, "The threat to Russia by a foreign presence on the moon was clearly unacceptable to us. How would America have acted if thousands of cosmonauts in armored vehicles were massing on America's border with Mexico? It is exactly the same thing."
Congresswoman Marjorie Taylor Greene said that if it wasn't for Jewish space lasers, Russia would not have been forced to take action. "We're pokin' the bayer!" she said, "An' not one more penny for NASA!"
In a rare moment of bipartisanship, Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez agreed saying there were "literally" concentration camps on the moon designed to detain illegal aliens. "I don't care what planet you're from," Ocasio-Cortez said, her voice thickening with emotion, "you are welcome on earth!"
When asked what would happen if space aliens came to Martha's Vineyard, Ocasio-Cortez said they would be relocated to a more suitable facility where they would receive the best of care and free health insurance.
The program has been so successful for Russia's cutting edge space program, easily the most advanced in the solar system, that the Duma unanimously voted a ten year minimum prison sentence for any Russian who uses the word "crash" on social media.
