6/6/2025, 8:44 pm
MOSCOW—Following Ukraine’s drone attack that rendered dozens of Russian strategic bombers into what experts are calling “shrapnel with delusions of grandeur,” the Kremlin unveiled what Defense Ministry spokesperson Olga Denialova described as “a Schrödinger’s defense doctrine.”
“That's some quantum stuff,” explained Denialova. "If NATO opens the hangar, bombers might be there - or not. In any event, experience tells us that enemies are more afraid of our irrational behavior than actual weapons.”
“Victory is inevitable when you’ve already redefined it,” added Defense Minister Sergei Shoigu. “Those bombers are not missing - they’ve achieved the state of strategic transparency. That’s why you don’t see them. It’s called fifth-dimensional chess. You wouldn’t understand.”
Pressed for clarity, Shoigu elaborated that the aircraft had “entered a more fluid, less Western-defined state of deployment - we call it ‘non-traditional locations.’” He further explained that the strategic bombers “self-dismantled according to doctrine” to trick NATO into thinking Russia is losing. “Some might see twisted hulks of metal,” he said. “We see stealth. Invisibility. A higher strategy.”
Foreign Minister Sergey Lavrov added that the operation had long been planned as a preemptive downsizing - designed to confuse NATO, reduce parking costs, and improve Russia’s carbon footprint. “This is not defeat,” he stated. “This is climate diplomacy. Every bomber we no longer require brings us closer to net-zero emissions - and moral superiority over decadent Europe.”
Asked whether Ukraine was responsible for the destruction, Kremlin spokesman Yuri Pretendov appeared offended. “Ukraine? Nyet. That’s Western disinformation. Their drones missed. Also, we shot them down. And those that hit - we let them. Any way you look at it, we won. Write that down.”
Meanwhile, state TV aired a special segment titled: “Top 10 Reasons Having No Planes Makes Russia Stronger.” Number one: “If they can’t find us, they can’t beat us.”
The Russian Orthodox Church quickly issued commemorative icons showing the bombers mid-explosion, encircled by golden halos and flanked by angels with radar jammers.
Patriarch Gunfirev arrived at the newly canonized Sacred Hangars of Engels to bless the vanishing bombers with incense and holy kerosene. His official statement described the incident as “divine propulsion. Our strategic bombers have fulfilled their martyrdom, bypassing all air traffic control and NATO radars. There is no footage because holy light interfered with the cameras. Very common during miracles.”
He then issued indulgences to all pilots who agree to fly without landing gear.
Sources report that for the upcoming Air Force Day, parade organizers plan to project holograms of functioning aircraft into the Moscow sky. Zvezda TV calls it “Augmented Reality Patriotism.”
Meanwhile, civilian population received a media advisory: “You didn’t see what you think you saw. But even if you did, it was a victory.”
