The People's Cube - Political Satire

The following transcript contains highly classified information intended for politically reliable comrades only. A reference is made to a "bunker" which may or may not exist.

Using highly advanced Soviet era technology, our very own Commisarka Pinkie has worked tirelessly through the night using her shovel antenna to intercept sensitive communications between very high ranking Russian officials. These messages were decrypted and uploaded to the TRS-80 over in Tractor Barn #2. Several cassette tapes were used, and are currently stored in a bunker like facility. The following transcript is the fruit of the efforts of the People's Department of Cryptography, Linguistics, and Beet Vodka Production™.

*Begin Transmission*

Sergei: You have reached the residence of Dmitry Medvedev. My name is Sergei. How may I direct your call?
Putin: Sergei! Get me Medvedev!
Sergei: But sir, it's only 1:00 in the afternoon.
Putin: I don't care. This is urgent. Wake him up.
Sergei: One moment please. (Enters Medvedev's living room where the former president is snoring loudly on a sofa). Sir, I hate to wake you up at such an early hour, but...
Medvedev: Whoever wakes me up at this hour is risking nuclear war! Don't provoke me!
Sergei: Sir, it's Putin on the phone.
Medvedev: Oh, put him through. And close that window if you don't mind. (Picks up phone) Yes, boss?
Putin: Dima! Have you been watching the news!?
Medvedev: (Holding receiver at arm's length and wincing) Of course, our special military operation is going according to schedule, our economy is roaring, and NATO is about to surrender - all thanks to your leadership. I saw it on Solovyov last night, I think.
Putin: Well, guess what. Our last nuclear threat failed.
Medvedev: (After a considerable pause) What?
Putin: Yes, failed. You threatened to use nukes since it was your turn and you were sober enough to stand up in front of a camera.
Medvedev: Okay, and the Americans trembled like usual?
Putin: No! Trump threatened to redeploy submarines closer to us.
Medvedev: I don't understand. It has worked for over three years. We say nukes and that blonde woman goes on about poking bears.
Putin: Well, this time it didn't work.
Medvedev: No big deal. They won't move any subs. They can hit us from wherever they are already.
Putin: That's not the point, idiot. The West is no longer scared of us.
Medvedev: I say we launch an oreshn-
Putin: The last two disintegrated in flight.
Medvedev: Deploy the Kuznetsov. Show them we stand ten feet tall.
Putin: That carrier has been undergoing repairs for eight years now. Moskva is more seaworthy.
Medvedev: Then, what is to be done?
Putin: You get over here. We need a new plan.
Medvedev: But I feel terrible. Big headache and all that.
Putin: Are you sober enough to not stagger out of an open window?
Medvedev: On my way.

*End Transmission*

The short version is that much (but not all) of the right wing blogosphere has been channeling the Cold War left in terms of a willingness to believe in Russian invincibility, to cringe before Russia whenever they threaten the use of nukes, and to assume that any confrontation of Russia will lead to instant nuclear Armageddon. For three and a half years, Russia's nuke threats have had a near paralyzing effect on securing military aid for Ukraine. It has led to an odd perception of warfare in which Russia may bomb Ukrainian cities at will and even invade NATO airspace, but under no circumstances may Ukraine retaliate as that would be provocative and may escalate the situation. Politicians and pundits have wrung their hands saying, "We're poking the bear!" You might recall Joe Rogan calling down curses and imprecations on Ukraine after the Biden administration belatedly allowed Ukraine to use ATACMS on Russian targets. Now Trump has taken that very powerful propaganda tool away from them by essentially saying, "Fine, we'll send some back." It has put Russia on their back foot for the time being.

Okay, that's the sort of short version.