8/9/2025, 10:31 pm
Mar-a-Lago, FL - In yet another historic move “bigger than anyone’s ever seen,” President Trump has declared himself the winner of the inaugural Trump Peace Prize, a new award honoring “tremendous, beautiful, really smart peace deals.”
Despite a number of important peace deals that stopped and prevented wars in various parts of the world, Trump noted there was “zero chance” the Nobel Peace Prize Committee would honor him:
“They gave one to Obama for thinking about peace. I actually made peace. But because I’m me, they won’t do it. So, I said, ‘Fine, I’ll make my own prize - much better, much classier, much more gold.’”
The Trump Peace Prize medal will be struck in pure 24-karat gold, featuring Trump’s profile on one side “like Julius Caesar, but with better hair.” A world map will be on the other, with the words Peace Through Strength in bold Trump-font and the inscription “Bigger Than Nobel.”
“This prize will be huge,” Trump concluded. “People will want it more than an Oscar, more than Nobel, more than a Super Bowl ring - because it’s real gold, folks, and you don’t have to be a leftist to win it.”
The Prize will be awarded annually to those who achieve peace through strength, prosperity, and mutual trade that make wars unprofitable, unpopular, and downright stupid.
The announcement came after an “unprecedented string of world peace deals accomplished mostly in the first six months of his presidency, including:
- The Abraham Accords, which Trump described as “the biggest Middle East peace deal ever - bigger than the pyramids, and the pyramids are very big, folks.”
- Getting NATO members to “pay up” so they could “protect Europe without starting World War III - unlike the weak people who talk a lot but do nothing, and you know who they are.”
- Preventing a border war between Thailand and Cambodia, which Trump called “very tough negotiations, folks. I told them, ‘Why fight? You both have beautiful beaches. Do a timeshare. Everyone loves timeshares when I’m running them.’”
- Stopping a brewing war between India and Pakistan, two nuclear powers: “I said, ‘You have curry, they have cricket - swap! You’ll both win.’ And they did.”
- Stopping a war between Congo and Rwanda: “Tough one, folks. I told them, ‘Nobody wins a war, but everybody wins if you name a hotel after me.’ And guess what? No war.”
- Stopping a war and signing a peace deal between Armenia and Azerbaijan: “They said it couldn’t be done. I said, ‘Give me a map, a pen, and a very large steak,’ and we made a deal before dessert.”
- The Trump Memorial Zangezur Corridor in Armenia, “a tremendous corridor, folks, the best corridor, everyone’s saying so,” which halted tensions between Armenia and its neighbors and “opened trade, jobs, and incredible hotels - five stars, maybe six.”