1/4/2009, 4:36 am
Comrades,
I apologize for being absent for so long and leaving you all to think for yourselves -- it must have been hard, for all of you, to go a second without my nurturing deeds, my kind face, my plastic smile, and yes, the smell of day's old vomit splattered on my favorite black overcoat. My sincerest apologies, Comrades. My sincerest and heartfelt apologies.
Now then, just where was I to begin with? Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, my ex-wife just recently, uh, passed away due to very, very unfortunate circumstances. She… She enjoyed fishing, for sharks, and, well, slipped off the side -- accidentally! -- while fishing for sharks. Actually, she was swimming with the sharks and confused them for dolphins. Yes, swimming. Oh, and she was never on the bow of the boat, uh, her yacht, uh, our yacht which is now my yacht after she signed it over to me, along with other assets, seconds before she decided to swim with the sharks -- who she thought were dolphins -- and after she knocked over a bucket of chum into the shark-infested waters which at the time appeared to be dolphin infested waters.
~
I was not on the yacht at the time but was present during the signing of the settlement which stated that in the event of her death her assets would be transferred to me instead of our daughter, Svetlana, or our son, Patrick. I immediately left the yacht via dingy after the papers were signed and before she decided to go swimming with dolphins who really turned out to be sharks which, and I cannot stress this enough, I thought were really dolphins.
I never advised her to get into the water. I never knocked over a bucket of chum into said shark infested waters. I never was on the yacht and, as I am now recalling, my lawyer was really the one who was on the yacht, near the bucket of chum, and who last spoke, saw and came close to my ex-wife. I was in the dingy… no, I was actually at home… I was actually at home in Virginia while my ex-wife, my lawyer, and her lover, Ricardo, were on the yacht -- now my yacht -- off the coast of Barbados which means the murder took place in foreign waters and I can in no way be charged with anything and I wasn't even there to begin with except to get some papers signed.
I was in Virginia the whole time. And no, I didn't know Ricardo -- who I am informed stood to inherit her assets -- decided to swim with the sharks as well, which my lawyer thought were dolphins and who advised both my ex-wife and Ricardo both not to dump a bucket of chum while in the dolphin infested waters off the coast of Barbados as opposed to Miami which I stated in an earlier police report which I clearly reject due to my intoxication and the police brutality that was used against me. Phew.
Oh, and he wasn't my lawyer per se. He was more of a friend -- an ex-friend, now -- who I hired, sort of, to handle legal work although he is not a practicing lawyer, I'm now told. He did, however, serve ten years in federal prison which could therefore warrant him some “legal” or “judicial” experience if we count incarceration as a form of substantial “legal experience” one would need to, uh, work with a contract. A contract and not a contract killing. I want to be clear about that -- a contract, a legal and legitimate contract.
I just wanted to clear the air, Comrades, and I thank you all for your time. Oh, and if anyone inquires where I have been between the dates December 22 and January 3, you tell them I was in the UK being knighted by the Queen. If they produce some sort of record indicating that I am not a knight you are to tell them that by being knighted you really meant nighted which is a Briton way of saying a sleepover…. Just tell them I was with Governor Blagojevich and Obama and that will shut them up, OK?
I apologize for being absent for so long and leaving you all to think for yourselves -- it must have been hard, for all of you, to go a second without my nurturing deeds, my kind face, my plastic smile, and yes, the smell of day's old vomit splattered on my favorite black overcoat. My sincerest apologies, Comrades. My sincerest and heartfelt apologies.
Now then, just where was I to begin with? Well, I'm glad you asked. You see, my ex-wife just recently, uh, passed away due to very, very unfortunate circumstances. She… She enjoyed fishing, for sharks, and, well, slipped off the side -- accidentally! -- while fishing for sharks. Actually, she was swimming with the sharks and confused them for dolphins. Yes, swimming. Oh, and she was never on the bow of the boat, uh, her yacht, uh, our yacht which is now my yacht after she signed it over to me, along with other assets, seconds before she decided to swim with the sharks -- who she thought were dolphins -- and after she knocked over a bucket of chum into the shark-infested waters which at the time appeared to be dolphin infested waters.
~
I was not on the yacht at the time but was present during the signing of the settlement which stated that in the event of her death her assets would be transferred to me instead of our daughter, Svetlana, or our son, Patrick. I immediately left the yacht via dingy after the papers were signed and before she decided to go swimming with dolphins who really turned out to be sharks which, and I cannot stress this enough, I thought were really dolphins.
I never advised her to get into the water. I never knocked over a bucket of chum into said shark infested waters. I never was on the yacht and, as I am now recalling, my lawyer was really the one who was on the yacht, near the bucket of chum, and who last spoke, saw and came close to my ex-wife. I was in the dingy… no, I was actually at home… I was actually at home in Virginia while my ex-wife, my lawyer, and her lover, Ricardo, were on the yacht -- now my yacht -- off the coast of Barbados which means the murder took place in foreign waters and I can in no way be charged with anything and I wasn't even there to begin with except to get some papers signed.
I was in Virginia the whole time. And no, I didn't know Ricardo -- who I am informed stood to inherit her assets -- decided to swim with the sharks as well, which my lawyer thought were dolphins and who advised both my ex-wife and Ricardo both not to dump a bucket of chum while in the dolphin infested waters off the coast of Barbados as opposed to Miami which I stated in an earlier police report which I clearly reject due to my intoxication and the police brutality that was used against me. Phew.
Oh, and he wasn't my lawyer per se. He was more of a friend -- an ex-friend, now -- who I hired, sort of, to handle legal work although he is not a practicing lawyer, I'm now told. He did, however, serve ten years in federal prison which could therefore warrant him some “legal” or “judicial” experience if we count incarceration as a form of substantial “legal experience” one would need to, uh, work with a contract. A contract and not a contract killing. I want to be clear about that -- a contract, a legal and legitimate contract.
I just wanted to clear the air, Comrades, and I thank you all for your time. Oh, and if anyone inquires where I have been between the dates December 22 and January 3, you tell them I was in the UK being knighted by the Queen. If they produce some sort of record indicating that I am not a knight you are to tell them that by being knighted you really meant nighted which is a Briton way of saying a sleepover…. Just tell them I was with Governor Blagojevich and Obama and that will shut them up, OK?
